We've all seen it and most of us have experienced it at least once, if not many times. It is the relationship that has nine lives, each growing progressively less fulfilling and more dramatic. It can feel like an interminable merry-go-round that you have no power to stop. Let's examine what the cyclical breakup is all about and how we can learn to end things more consciously.

The breakup...When a breakup occurs, one or both parties have reached the conclusion that those aspects of the relationship which are not working outweigh those aspects which are working. This determination rarely arises out of nowhere. In general, it is a laboriously weighed decision which requires wading through emotional turmoil and scrutinizing priorities. It is usually a last resort when all else has failed. Both parties may not agree on the viability of relationship, nevertheless, if one person feels the relationship is not working, it isn't working. It isn't mutually beneficial, which is an inherent requirement of a healthy relationship. Then why, after such careful consideration, do so many people return to a situation they have already determined to be unsatisfactory?

The make-up...Though there are an infinite number of case-specific reasons, two of the most common root causes are self-doubt and the fear of being alone. Let's tease these two out a bit.
Self-doubt:

• "Maybe I was wrong. If we just ____ more/less things could work. Maybe I/he/she was just afraid of my/his/her feelings. I didn't give things enough of a chance. What if I am making a huge mistake"? Sound familiar?
• Anytime we make an important decision it is an opportunity for a litany of uncertainty to arise. Making a choice is a risk. It is a step into self-trust. A step which often causes those parts of us which lack self-trust to surface.

Fear of being alone:

• "What if I never meet anyone else? I may never find someone as good as him/her. All my friends are in relationships. I don't want to be the only one alone". Ever been there?Fear is a great motivator. It has the ability to temporarily resuscitate a dying relationship, but relationships held together by fear are seldom rewarding.

If you're pondering reviving a relationship, it is important to consider whether these two factors are driving you. Before starting things up again, take time to reflect on your intentions.

• Be willing to sit with uncomfortable feelings.
  • Loneliness and self-doubt are challenging emotions to allow. Your first instinct may be to distract yourself from these feelings by staying busy, socializing, returning to the newly-ended relationship. Though it is tempting to avoid these "negative" emotions, facing them is an essential part of making empowered choices. Taking responsibility for your life means feeling your emotions and making choices out of awareness, rather than reacting unconsciously out of fear.
• Examine your motivation.
  • Ask yourself if this is really about the other person. "Am I missing them or am I missing having companionship/a sexual partner/emotional support, etc."? If your answer is the later, perhaps this realization alone has deterred you from pursuing things. If, however, you still decide that you want to get your needs met, are you willing to be honest with the other person about your intentions? How would you feel if someone were to attempt to reconnect with you with a disguised, self-serving agenda?
• Consider the possible outcomes.
  • Walk through all the possibilities which could result from both choices (to rekindle the relationship or not). Don't just logically conclude what might happen, explore how each outcome would feel. While you may not have the ability to tell the future, you have plenty of past experience to draw upon. Unless some major change has occurred in one or both of you, or your circumstances, it is reasonable to conclude that your way of relating to one another will be much the same.

You've confronted your loneliness and self-doubt, you have determined that you are motivated by your interest in the person and not your fear of being alone, you have gone through an experiential exploration of your possible outcomes, and the choice to reconnect feels like the right one for you. Reestablishing a relationship after this degree of self-reflection certainly makes the odds of the relationship flourishing more favorable! You have done yourself and your partner a great service by conscientiously considering your intentions. You are poising yourself to be a more thoughtful human being and a better communicator. If you continue to approach your relationship consciously and with integrity, there is a good chance you will be able to form a healthier connection. But even excellent communication and the best of intentions cannot salvage every partnership. Common interest, values, timing and an innumerable number of variables contribute to the compatibility of two people.

Breaking up...again...If you find the relationship you so thoughtfully decided to resume is still not satisfying, it is time to look at how to achieve closure out of kindness and respect.

• How is this relationship serving you?
  • We don't keep doing something unless we are getting something out of it. Period. What we are getting may be difficult to determine, but it is an important part of finding resolution. The payoff may not be obvious. It can even be paradoxical. For instance, the motivation for remaining in a relationship with someone who constantly berates you and is verbally abusive might be that you end up always looking good by comparison. If you choose to be with someone who is extremely controlling, perhaps you secretly enjoy not having to take responsibility for making any of your own choices. Explore how your current relationship is serving you. Then look at how it might be holding you back.
• Bring the focus back to yourself
  • This requires practice and determination. For most of us, blame is a deeply-ingrained habit. Putting all your attention on what your partner is doing, feeling, thinking, is exhausting and futile. You have no control over anyone else but you ALWAYS have a choice over your own actions. Who have you been in this relationship? What have you learned about yourself? You can be a victim or you can be empowered but you can't be both. The choice is up to you.
  • Focusing on yourself is not just about getting out of blame. It is an exercise in creating self-worth. By paying attention to your feelings rather than looking to someone else to fix them or distract you from them, you are valuing yourself. You are taking an interest in your own experience. Notice how it feels to pay attention to you. The reward may be subtle, but it is there.

The main aim of this process is to develop your self-awareness. Don't get too hung up on whether to resume the relationship or not. There are no right or wrong choices here. This is about streamlining your ability to learn from your relationships. Whether what you learn leads to a more fulfilling and sustainable partnership or to a respectful parting of ways, being aware of yourself means knowing how and when to get off the merry-go-round.