Haven't we all experienced those times when we were very uncomfortable in someone's presence or conversation? And, with repeated exposure to their behavior we begin to feel a threat to our emotional well-being or even our physical health? In recent years, there has been much research on 'toxic' people and their resulting behavior.
What do you do when you realize you are in a relationship with a toxic person, maintain it or release it? As we move progress on both our personal and professional journeys, we can be more scrutinizing of how we conduct ourselves; and our resulting exchanges with communities and professional organizations, including the relapse of toxic behaviors.
"The phrase 'toxic friend' is pop psychology," says Jenn Berman, PhD, a psychologist in private practice in Beverly Hills, Calif.
"I would say it's someone who, after spending time with them, makes you feel bad about yourself instead of good; someone who tends to be critical of you -- sometimes in a subtle way and sometimes not so subtle; a friend who drains you emotionally, financially, or mentally, and they're not very good for you.
" Isaacs explains that a toxic friendship is unsupportive, draining, unrewarding, stifling, unsatisfying, and often unequal.
Also, Charles Figley, PhD, professor of the Psychological Stress Research Program at Florida State University states, "One of the characteristics of a toxic friendship is that the good friend feels they can't extricate from the relationship.
Whether it's on the phone, in person, or from the friendship entirely, you feel like you are trapped, you're being taken advantage of and you can't resolve the problem one way or another.
" We all want our relationships to be positivity motivated and nurturing.
But how do you identify when a relationship is returning nothing but negativity and becomes toxic to you? Use your powers of observation for these displays of toxic behavior: oOver critical to your achievements, performance, or insists on bragging on their successes oOverly competitive, demonstrates one-upmanship, always has a better story oBetrayal, reveals your private conversations to others oPromise breaking of commitments on a regular basis oGossip-monger, spreads hearsay and rumors about you oPublic put-downs or malicious comments that can damage your public reputation oPlain bullying, consistently tries to overpower your free will and choices If you are experiencing any of these behaviors on a continual basis, you may have to re-evaluate the relationship.
It will not be an easy process, but necessary.
To truly live to your fullest potential and enjoy close relationships is a responsibility to yourself and your personal health.
Remember that you are not in control of the cosmic clock and every moment you spend in negativity cannot be brought back for you to relive.
Use any of these suggestions in your review of whether to maintain or release the toxicity: oDetermine whether the relationship is only for public use or status in a professional role oIdentify how you feel after you have been with this person, agitated, double-crossed, joyful, loved oDetermine whether you are simply a 'dumping ground' for the other person's troubles.
They leave your time together feeling unburdened and you feel depressed.
oDistinguish when you have been the vehicle for that person (s) to gain public recognition in spite of how you have helped them.
They were the only ones in the limelight.
oRecognize when you have been the 'item of discussion' when you hear others say, "I'm sorry to hear that, or I heard that you xxxxx, or I'm repeating this because I heard you were xxxxx".
All of these are examples of double crossing or a disloyalty to your private conversations.
It will be important to maintain your positive outlook on humanity during any re-evaluation of relationships and toxic behavior.
Generally people are not born to be mean-spirited and disreputable.
It will be important to recognize when any of your contacts are enduring tough periods of their own and experiencing hurt, disappointment, jealousy, dishonesty or grief in their own tour of life.
Your expressions of compassion for the other person will prove to be the glue that can save your relationship; but, don't be a martyr.
Even if this is a love interest, there has to be a foundation for shared support to maintain future closeness.
When you need to release toxic relationships or behaviors, ask yourself: oHas anything changed in the other person's financial status or family environment? Could they just be reacting to other circumstances, not you directly at this moment? oThink carefully about your own behavior to see if you may have acted or said something to cause offensive behavior from the other person? Remember this behavior should not be on a constant basis.
oIs there emotional balance in your relationship? Is there an equal give & take of joys & sorrows for both of you? oIn your conversations, are you continually shut down by the other person about your interest or dreams? Are you not allowed to tell your share of troubles or struggles? oHas there been a conflict experience between you when both of you feel wronged? If so, can you offer a sincere apology? Will emotional harmony restores the relationship to its original standing or has sufficient damage been done that it is not restorable? oWas the relationship established on equal standing from the beginning? Or, was this relationship created on what you can provide, not what the other could provide for you in emotional welfare? Has your level of kindness been abused? oWhat conversations do you need to have now that will increase mutual understanding and commitment to the long haul for this relationship? "You must have love as the core; it takes courage to be willing to constantly tell the truth to each other and risk letting the relationship go.
" Kenny Loggins
What do you do when you realize you are in a relationship with a toxic person, maintain it or release it? As we move progress on both our personal and professional journeys, we can be more scrutinizing of how we conduct ourselves; and our resulting exchanges with communities and professional organizations, including the relapse of toxic behaviors.
"The phrase 'toxic friend' is pop psychology," says Jenn Berman, PhD, a psychologist in private practice in Beverly Hills, Calif.
"I would say it's someone who, after spending time with them, makes you feel bad about yourself instead of good; someone who tends to be critical of you -- sometimes in a subtle way and sometimes not so subtle; a friend who drains you emotionally, financially, or mentally, and they're not very good for you.
" Isaacs explains that a toxic friendship is unsupportive, draining, unrewarding, stifling, unsatisfying, and often unequal.
Also, Charles Figley, PhD, professor of the Psychological Stress Research Program at Florida State University states, "One of the characteristics of a toxic friendship is that the good friend feels they can't extricate from the relationship.
Whether it's on the phone, in person, or from the friendship entirely, you feel like you are trapped, you're being taken advantage of and you can't resolve the problem one way or another.
" We all want our relationships to be positivity motivated and nurturing.
But how do you identify when a relationship is returning nothing but negativity and becomes toxic to you? Use your powers of observation for these displays of toxic behavior: oOver critical to your achievements, performance, or insists on bragging on their successes oOverly competitive, demonstrates one-upmanship, always has a better story oBetrayal, reveals your private conversations to others oPromise breaking of commitments on a regular basis oGossip-monger, spreads hearsay and rumors about you oPublic put-downs or malicious comments that can damage your public reputation oPlain bullying, consistently tries to overpower your free will and choices If you are experiencing any of these behaviors on a continual basis, you may have to re-evaluate the relationship.
It will not be an easy process, but necessary.
To truly live to your fullest potential and enjoy close relationships is a responsibility to yourself and your personal health.
Remember that you are not in control of the cosmic clock and every moment you spend in negativity cannot be brought back for you to relive.
Use any of these suggestions in your review of whether to maintain or release the toxicity: oDetermine whether the relationship is only for public use or status in a professional role oIdentify how you feel after you have been with this person, agitated, double-crossed, joyful, loved oDetermine whether you are simply a 'dumping ground' for the other person's troubles.
They leave your time together feeling unburdened and you feel depressed.
oDistinguish when you have been the vehicle for that person (s) to gain public recognition in spite of how you have helped them.
They were the only ones in the limelight.
oRecognize when you have been the 'item of discussion' when you hear others say, "I'm sorry to hear that, or I heard that you xxxxx, or I'm repeating this because I heard you were xxxxx".
All of these are examples of double crossing or a disloyalty to your private conversations.
It will be important to maintain your positive outlook on humanity during any re-evaluation of relationships and toxic behavior.
Generally people are not born to be mean-spirited and disreputable.
It will be important to recognize when any of your contacts are enduring tough periods of their own and experiencing hurt, disappointment, jealousy, dishonesty or grief in their own tour of life.
Your expressions of compassion for the other person will prove to be the glue that can save your relationship; but, don't be a martyr.
Even if this is a love interest, there has to be a foundation for shared support to maintain future closeness.
When you need to release toxic relationships or behaviors, ask yourself: oHas anything changed in the other person's financial status or family environment? Could they just be reacting to other circumstances, not you directly at this moment? oThink carefully about your own behavior to see if you may have acted or said something to cause offensive behavior from the other person? Remember this behavior should not be on a constant basis.
oIs there emotional balance in your relationship? Is there an equal give & take of joys & sorrows for both of you? oIn your conversations, are you continually shut down by the other person about your interest or dreams? Are you not allowed to tell your share of troubles or struggles? oHas there been a conflict experience between you when both of you feel wronged? If so, can you offer a sincere apology? Will emotional harmony restores the relationship to its original standing or has sufficient damage been done that it is not restorable? oWas the relationship established on equal standing from the beginning? Or, was this relationship created on what you can provide, not what the other could provide for you in emotional welfare? Has your level of kindness been abused? oWhat conversations do you need to have now that will increase mutual understanding and commitment to the long haul for this relationship? "You must have love as the core; it takes courage to be willing to constantly tell the truth to each other and risk letting the relationship go.
" Kenny Loggins
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