Hello! I'm Spencer, the host of the critically-acclaimed internet radio show, True Believing Mormons-dedicated as always to putting intellectuals, feminists, homosexuals, and other enemies of the Christ's church in their proper place by teaching mormon beliefs with boldness through the Holy Spirit.

But before we get to that, I'd like to point out several ways in which nonmembers like yourself could use some clarification on what our church is really like. You see, we have a deep, rich heritage of commitment, values, and lots and lots of busy work, all thanks to our shared beliefs that compel us to perpetual, unabating service and sacrifice.

As part of our online missionary program, fueled by our insatiable need to protect our collective image, allow me to point out a few things you may have heard about mormons' beliefs and set the record straight...hopefully in time for Mitt Romney to be elected president or for Glenn Beck to save his job.

So what are Mormons' Religious Beliefs?

First of all, a lot of our friends and neighbors see us as extremely nice people with good family values, but have admitted under eavesdropping that something about us just seems a little...off. Off-ly righteous, that is! You see, we tend to spend an inordinate amount of free time with our church programs and firm in our so-called weird mormon beliefs because of our unquestioning obedience to our prophet and his 14 apostles.

These inspired men dictate-to The Lord's high standard of detail-the correct way to think, act, and feel. Anger is bad. Silence is good.Questioning and doubting is discouraged or even punished, of course. That's how the Lord chooses to teach us, which is why it's so confusing why former members of our church would want to use selected, little-known tidbits of our history against us.

Of course, every family has to disown at least one of their atheist children, and God wants these guys out of the house pronto so the Holy Ghost has an environment suitable to dwell in. These faithless Judases are always murmuring about historical cover-ups this and thought control that...

Truth is, I don't even know what they talk about because we're taught not to listen to them. It encourages contention. Jesus told us to turn the other cheek. All good reasons. But the reason we pay them no mind is that when an otherwise healthy and happy person leaves our church, a very strange phenomenon occurs.

They rapidly descend down a slippery slope into complete and total quagmire of moral depravity and boundless hedonism, and then pretending to be much happier after an awkward few years of psychological transition into the normal world.

What About Mormon Underwear?

First of all, stop calling them that. As if the confusion and uproar over mormons' beliefs doesn't make us big enough martyrs, latter-day saints are also misunderstood, mocked, and telestial wedgied by the liberal media for the sacred vestments we wear as an invisible reminder.

While they may appear to the non-spiritual eye as those things that Kobe Bryant wears under his shorts, its proper name is "The Garment of the Holy Priesthood," like Steve Young wears under his shorts.

But they're no laughing matter. I value my so-called mormon underwear so highly, and with so much reverence and respect, that they stop gracing my taint only when I'm swimming, exercising, showering, and engaging in procreation-related activities with my wife on Sunday mornings, as we've been instructed.

I'm referring of course to how to wear the garment appropriately. Our leaders would never take it upon themselves to micromanage what goes on in the bedroom of a grown man and wife...well, for the most part, that is.

Don't Mormons have secret ceremonies?

Secret? No way. No. Well, there's ceremonies of course, but they're not secret. Anyone can participate them as long as they meet the requirement or two listed above. It's mostly just sitting, watching Michael Ballam, standing, sitting, standing, shaking hands, bowing your head, chanting, and some other stuff. No big deal.

I mean come on, guys, you're not missing out on too much anymore. In fact, frankly it kind of blows these days. All the juicy parts like the protestant preacher employed by Lucifer that got cut out 15 years ago. Oh, and the death oaths...they were taken out too, so if you heard about us doing that it's just an urban legend.

So with all that said, I'm sure we sound pretty normal to you now, right? Excellent...I'm often without words, too, when the holy ghost causes my bosom to burn. I believe my work here as a humble servant of God is done. Hopefully you're a little more up to speed on mormon beliefs and practices now than you were before.

While you're here, I challenge you to look through our bookstore and help us beat Satan and his apostate groupies at their own game by throwing documented facts back at them for a change. For if truth is on our side, what have we to fear?

Until next time...Stay strong, Brother!