What is it about the moment after we say hello that scares us so much? Most guys with a little practice are able to get the courage to approach a woman, but it is that first few minutes that really messes with our heads. In the first three minutes of a conversation it will be decided whether she will continue talking to you or not. So much of it is predicated on how committed we are. I can't stress that enough that our warm vibe and commitment will encourage their commitment. However this early part of the interaction is such a source of overwhelming anxiety for a lot of guys. The secret though is it is JUST as anxiety ridden for women. Remember they are not responding to you, they are responding to the truckloads of other guys who have hit on them every time they go out to a bar. They HOPE though that you are different, they have fantasies of being swept off their feet by you. So remember that.
So now with our warm vibe and bright smile we open. We melt their unsure demeanors and introduce ourselves. So now what? What do I ask? What do I say? The longer I think about it the more nervous i get. This is where the power of the open ended question comes in followed by the vacuum. I usually ask dumb questions i have to admit, right in that first few seconds. Completely stupid questions. Where are you from, How's your night going, Have you seen my gerbil, oops, maybe not that last one. I actually recommend you come up with some cooler questions then I do. However in reality it doesn't matter what you ask, it is how you respond.
The very first thing I do is relate to WHATEVER they say. I can't emphasize this enough. Too many guys get into question trains here searching for something they can relate to peppering them with question after question. There is a major imbalance in the interaction energy exchange that you may not be aware of. You came up to them, they acknowledged your presence, things are equal. You ask them a question, they answer quickly without a lot of detail. So of course since you didn't get much you ask another question. They answer tentatively. You still can't seem to get them to give more than a short answer. Do you see how much more you are asking for them to give you then you are willing to offer? You have approached wanting to know them. You keep asking them questions. You are approval seeking at this point. You want them to give you a bunch of information about themselves to a complete stranger. YOU HAVE TO RELATE to what they say. Now is the time to answer your own question if they don't give you anything to work with. If they did give you something, relate to THAT. Relate to the emotion of your question or what they said.
You: Hi I'm Dan. Her: I'm Tracy You: How's your night going? Her: Fine (She begins to look bored, can you blame her? What a boring question!) You: I have to tell you mine has been crazy! I love this town. I just had this weightlifter chick put me in a headlock and almost squeeze my head off with her guns. So don't get any ideas, I can see you work out! Honestly though she didn't actually put me in a headlock, but i was pretty scared. My guns are like Popeye's girlfriend, what's her name, Olive Oil? But seriously, you look pretty fit, what's your workout routine?
I am a bit of a goof ball so that may not work with you. So just be yourself with some fun energy. Even if your serious, relate with a STATEMENT. This statement models the kind of answer you expect to get back from her on the next question you ask.
You: Hi I'm SeriouslySuave. Her: I'm Tracy You: How's your night going? Her: Fine You: Mine has been great. I'm out with some new friends i just recently met. I just love when I get to go out with a crew of people that are new, It is so interesting to me to see how everyone acts in different social situations. So how do you all know each other?
The important thing is to relate with a statement so she doesn't feel you want her to hold up the entire conversation by herself. Once she knows something about you she will be much more likely to tell you more about her. In fact this is like a poker game. The more your willing to risk (showing your emotions and personality) the more she will match you.
Once you get something from her, you HAVE to reward her. In the seminar lately we have been pushing the words "I like you, you're______". This is a great reward, definitely use it! She says "F**k Off!" I say "Damn girl, I like you, your feisty. Most women don't speak their mind. I admire that about you." If she doesn't melt after that don't give up. "So which brother of yours taught you to swear like a sailor?" Rewarding her will make her want to tell you more. Just like active listening. If someone is silent I don't want to elaborate because I don't know if they are enjoying listening. If they reward me by an "absolutely", "that's interesting", "I never thought about it like that". I want to tell them more. The REWARD portion of this process is very important. It is not pavlovian, it is just showing appreciation for what they are giving you and keeps things equal.
Remember the Appreciate & Relate loop doesn't have to be serious. You can have fun and be playful with it too!
If you are not appreciating and relating in the first three minutes of an interaction, the imbalance will become so great the interaction will fall apart. Stop your question train, answer your own question, and reward her for input into the conversation. That will make it easy to get to know them and keep everything going smooth.
So now with our warm vibe and bright smile we open. We melt their unsure demeanors and introduce ourselves. So now what? What do I ask? What do I say? The longer I think about it the more nervous i get. This is where the power of the open ended question comes in followed by the vacuum. I usually ask dumb questions i have to admit, right in that first few seconds. Completely stupid questions. Where are you from, How's your night going, Have you seen my gerbil, oops, maybe not that last one. I actually recommend you come up with some cooler questions then I do. However in reality it doesn't matter what you ask, it is how you respond.
The very first thing I do is relate to WHATEVER they say. I can't emphasize this enough. Too many guys get into question trains here searching for something they can relate to peppering them with question after question. There is a major imbalance in the interaction energy exchange that you may not be aware of. You came up to them, they acknowledged your presence, things are equal. You ask them a question, they answer quickly without a lot of detail. So of course since you didn't get much you ask another question. They answer tentatively. You still can't seem to get them to give more than a short answer. Do you see how much more you are asking for them to give you then you are willing to offer? You have approached wanting to know them. You keep asking them questions. You are approval seeking at this point. You want them to give you a bunch of information about themselves to a complete stranger. YOU HAVE TO RELATE to what they say. Now is the time to answer your own question if they don't give you anything to work with. If they did give you something, relate to THAT. Relate to the emotion of your question or what they said.
You: Hi I'm Dan. Her: I'm Tracy You: How's your night going? Her: Fine (She begins to look bored, can you blame her? What a boring question!) You: I have to tell you mine has been crazy! I love this town. I just had this weightlifter chick put me in a headlock and almost squeeze my head off with her guns. So don't get any ideas, I can see you work out! Honestly though she didn't actually put me in a headlock, but i was pretty scared. My guns are like Popeye's girlfriend, what's her name, Olive Oil? But seriously, you look pretty fit, what's your workout routine?
I am a bit of a goof ball so that may not work with you. So just be yourself with some fun energy. Even if your serious, relate with a STATEMENT. This statement models the kind of answer you expect to get back from her on the next question you ask.
You: Hi I'm SeriouslySuave. Her: I'm Tracy You: How's your night going? Her: Fine You: Mine has been great. I'm out with some new friends i just recently met. I just love when I get to go out with a crew of people that are new, It is so interesting to me to see how everyone acts in different social situations. So how do you all know each other?
The important thing is to relate with a statement so she doesn't feel you want her to hold up the entire conversation by herself. Once she knows something about you she will be much more likely to tell you more about her. In fact this is like a poker game. The more your willing to risk (showing your emotions and personality) the more she will match you.
Once you get something from her, you HAVE to reward her. In the seminar lately we have been pushing the words "I like you, you're______". This is a great reward, definitely use it! She says "F**k Off!" I say "Damn girl, I like you, your feisty. Most women don't speak their mind. I admire that about you." If she doesn't melt after that don't give up. "So which brother of yours taught you to swear like a sailor?" Rewarding her will make her want to tell you more. Just like active listening. If someone is silent I don't want to elaborate because I don't know if they are enjoying listening. If they reward me by an "absolutely", "that's interesting", "I never thought about it like that". I want to tell them more. The REWARD portion of this process is very important. It is not pavlovian, it is just showing appreciation for what they are giving you and keeps things equal.
Remember the Appreciate & Relate loop doesn't have to be serious. You can have fun and be playful with it too!
If you are not appreciating and relating in the first three minutes of an interaction, the imbalance will become so great the interaction will fall apart. Stop your question train, answer your own question, and reward her for input into the conversation. That will make it easy to get to know them and keep everything going smooth.
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