Here's a good question from one of my dating coaching clients.
Bev is 45, divorced three years and ready to start meeting men! She decided to try online dating and wondered what the etiquette is about contacting men.
She asked of she should wait for men to connect her, either through a wink or an email? Is it okay to send a quick "hello" message, or is that too much moving into the man's territory and being the pursuer? Bev knows my advice as a dating coach warns against taking over the man's role in dating, so she wanted to know my thoughts about approaching men online.
I tell my clients that contacting men online is perfectly acceptable.
I definitely think women don't have to wait for men to contact you.
Go for it! This isn't being forward or usurping a man's pursuit - its being friendly! Same thing goes for talking to men at a bar, singles event or anywhere for that matter.
You can always walk up to a man and strike up a conversation! Just don't linger.
Give him the space to come and find you later if he's interested.
Same thing goes for online dating.
Here are a few tips to keep things light and improve your chances of getting a response when trying online dating.
Do's 1.
Keep your email to a sentence or two 2.
Ask a question from something in his profile - this shows you've read it 3.
Add a comment or compliment about something that struck you from his profile 4.
Don't waste time writing anything about you - that's all in your profile 5.
Don't talk about how much you have in common - he'll be the judge of that Don'ts 1.
Expect that every man will answer you This has nothing to do with you - it's just the way things are.
After all, you don't respond to every man, and if you do, please stop.
That is a waste of your precious time.
Online etiquette allows for no response so don't be surprised when this happens.
2.
Email more than 2-3 men at a time Things can get confusing with online dating.
Make your life easy and don't approach more than a few guys at time.
This will help you keep track of who said what.
Do yourself a favor and don't get overwhelmed by being too aggressive with your search.
3.
Fall in love with a profile It's just a profile and frequently embellished or sometimes, sadly - fiction.
You've got to email, talk on the phone and meet the guy face-to-face to know if he's who he says he is.
This takes time.
So don't fall in love with how good he sounds on paper/screen.
4.
Encourage pen pals Unless you want a pen pal, beware of men who love to email you and text, but can't seem to have phone conversations.
Or they love to talk on the phone, but just can't find time to meet you.
I know people who have fallen for this and had virtual relationships for six months waiting to meet the person.
It likely won't happen! 5.
Get all bummed out about rejection after every man you email Online dating involves a fair amount of rejection.
That's just part of the process.
Please don't get all down in the dumps because some guys don't follow through.
Online dating is a numbers game so keep going.
There are more than 40 million singles online - how many have you met? 6.
Get unrealistic with timing You have to collect a lot of data about a prospect to know if he's good date or mate material.
Know this is a process and that everything takes time.
If you're in a hurry, count on lots of disappointment.
Things don't hurry up just because you feel the clock ticking or want it right now.
When dating over 40 or post divorce, knowing how dating works today will save you a lot of anxiety and heartache.
Being friendly works well, but pursuing men rarely turns out the way you hope.