I get lots of emails from men and women, and the bulk of these emails are people asking me if they should go ahead and say this or do that, or if they should date this person or leave that relationship.
When I first started out as a dating coach, I had the habit of rushing in and offering advice.
After many years of working with single men and women, I have come to the conclusion that we all know exactly what to do and in essence everyone of us has a daring coach inside of us.
Just last week I had a guy who came across to me as a really wonderful person email me about sexual confidence/charisma and "panic" attacks when it comes to approaching woman.
He wanted me to tell him whether he should go ahead with a "progressive desensitization" program which basically involved him walking up to a woman on busy main street, quiet mall, a busy pedestrian crossing, in a group anywhere and saying something to them like "I like you" or "I think you are very beautiful" etc.
and then say nothing more.
Apparently this would help him feel the fear and go through it when he gets rejected.
This "progressive desensitization" would eventually make it easier to deal with his fear of approaching women.
We had a couple of emails back and forth and basically I wanted to really find out what "his own dating coach" inside of him was telling him.
If he was seeking a second opinion, he obviously had doubts.
At first he was a little defensive, said he knew it was only a bunch of words but he'd tried all the other approaches including NLP and they did not work.
I told him to really think about it, and if after thinking about ithe still wanted to go ahead with it, then by all means try the program and see if it works.
Then came the "aha!" email I had been waiting for.
He wrote saying he really did not want to do the program in the first place since it involved him making an idiot of himself! I asked "What if I'd told you straight away, go head do it, what would you have done?" And he said "Ignored your advice".
So why did he write to me in the first place when he already knew what he should or should not do?.
See, the problem with this guy (and is a problem that I come across everyday in my work) is that it's almost become our nature to focus on what isn't working.
And much of the dating advice single men and women (and the general population) get is based on the philosophy of "what is wrong with me" other than "what is right about me".
We have had more years of experience figuring out and beating ourselves up for what is wrong with us that we can't even wrap our minds around what is right with us.
If you can turn your thinking to start from "what's right about me" you will achieve so much more so quickly...
You will find that you do not need a dating/relationship coach to tell you the "do's" and "don'ts" but instead you go to a coach for insights into how you can possibly become the best date, lover or spouse.
After all Coaches are supposed to be men/woman who've been there - done that - and have had lots of experience being the best dates, lovers and spouses.
Right? Part 2 of this article has a few suggestions on how you can start (on your own) building on your strengths (and potential) rather than obsessing about your weaknesses (and past failures).