But I was a beginner.
I had to begin with simple things, consciously disciplining my bodily actions to make them harmless, uncomplicated, consistent, and untainted.
And I had to keep an eye on my speech; I really had to work on it so that it would be helpful, agreeable, honest, not bothersome.
At the same time, I had to attempt to keep my mind happy, pure, controlled, silent, and balanced.
Wow, it was strict discipline, but necessary I discovered, until I could advance to the point where Reality began rising within me.
Then I was sure things would be easier.
Then I would become the expression of these virtues naturally, with no effort or restraints whatsoever.
Or so I hoped.
I was keen to begin this training and grateful for the hardships over the last two years that prepared me for this new stage in my quest.
I was also curious regarding what else was involved in this strict code of ethics.
The monastic rules created a peaceful environment, a structure of sameness and everyday life, and my meditation couldn't help but improve.
Problems regarding my practice remained, however, and I was forced to count my breaths in order to keep thoughts away.
My mind was far too cleaver for just regular counting, quickly learning to think and count at the same time.
Then I tried counting backwards.
After exhaling, I counted 100 and on the next out breath I counted 99, until I reached "I" but this still did not discourage the thoughts.
Finally, I had to use a counting technique so complicated it would have delighted a mathematician: (122123321234432123321)! I was forced to perform this intricate procedure for at least an hour before my untrained mind would at last settle down long enough to do anapanasati; or concentrate on the feeling of my breath touching the inside of my nose.
I had unbelievable trials and tribulations with my unusually active mind, even in the confines of this peaceful forest.
The excitement of traveling around the world lingered for some time, and had its drawbacks when it came to settling the mind.
I attempted to watch carefully the many feelings and emotions that came up during meditation, feelings and emotions that reflected subtle levels of not only doubt, but sensual desires, laziness, restlessness and annoyances as well.
At times, I would not feel like sitting and preferred to go to sleep or do something else, feeling restless and tired, and wondering whether meditation was worth it.
At other times, my sitting position would become painful, I would want to move, and if I continued to resist moving, the pain eventually turned into anger.
Surprisingly, I was able to see most of these subtle feelings only as arising and passing phenomena, and remain sitting, realizing that these are the exact feelings that I faced every day in life whenever things became painful.
I experienced many precious moments in Thailand where fear could not find me, moments during which everything in this beautiful forest was perfect.
Tomorrow, there might be fear, but so be it; that moment would be perfect as well, because I learned that wherever I was - that is exactly where I must be.
I would ask myself; why couldn't I die right now, to my desires and ambitions, my worries and fears? Could I let go of memories, security, and self-identity, coming up empty; dying to everything I was familiar with without fearing tomorrow? Without dying to these things, how would I ever free myself to feel real love, not attachment or lust, but real unconditional, universal love .
.
.
real unconditional truth - Reality? No, I wasn't ready to die just yet, but I was determined not to let my preoccupied mind endlessly steal these precious moments and hold me prisoner in my past and future.
I knew that the moment would someday be my legacy, my true being of unbridled freedom and love.
I instinctively understood that only the mystical moment was completely alive, unknown, and immeasurable, beyond capture, a totally embracing Reality.
I was convinced that it reflected my true nature, which could only be timeless, and that it must be as vast as eternity, and the only place where I could ever be truly defined.
If only I could actually step into that moment and remain there, then my entire being would be unquestionably transformed, moved supernaturally from selfish fear into all-encompassing love.
Then I would know, without knowing, that everything is perfect, just as it is.
And I understood something else - I discovered our Fourth Freedom! I now understood that serious, dedicated meditation is required to attain enlightenment.
I had to begin with simple things, consciously disciplining my bodily actions to make them harmless, uncomplicated, consistent, and untainted.
And I had to keep an eye on my speech; I really had to work on it so that it would be helpful, agreeable, honest, not bothersome.
At the same time, I had to attempt to keep my mind happy, pure, controlled, silent, and balanced.
Wow, it was strict discipline, but necessary I discovered, until I could advance to the point where Reality began rising within me.
Then I was sure things would be easier.
Then I would become the expression of these virtues naturally, with no effort or restraints whatsoever.
Or so I hoped.
I was keen to begin this training and grateful for the hardships over the last two years that prepared me for this new stage in my quest.
I was also curious regarding what else was involved in this strict code of ethics.
The monastic rules created a peaceful environment, a structure of sameness and everyday life, and my meditation couldn't help but improve.
Problems regarding my practice remained, however, and I was forced to count my breaths in order to keep thoughts away.
My mind was far too cleaver for just regular counting, quickly learning to think and count at the same time.
Then I tried counting backwards.
After exhaling, I counted 100 and on the next out breath I counted 99, until I reached "I" but this still did not discourage the thoughts.
Finally, I had to use a counting technique so complicated it would have delighted a mathematician: (122123321234432123321)! I was forced to perform this intricate procedure for at least an hour before my untrained mind would at last settle down long enough to do anapanasati; or concentrate on the feeling of my breath touching the inside of my nose.
I had unbelievable trials and tribulations with my unusually active mind, even in the confines of this peaceful forest.
The excitement of traveling around the world lingered for some time, and had its drawbacks when it came to settling the mind.
I attempted to watch carefully the many feelings and emotions that came up during meditation, feelings and emotions that reflected subtle levels of not only doubt, but sensual desires, laziness, restlessness and annoyances as well.
At times, I would not feel like sitting and preferred to go to sleep or do something else, feeling restless and tired, and wondering whether meditation was worth it.
At other times, my sitting position would become painful, I would want to move, and if I continued to resist moving, the pain eventually turned into anger.
Surprisingly, I was able to see most of these subtle feelings only as arising and passing phenomena, and remain sitting, realizing that these are the exact feelings that I faced every day in life whenever things became painful.
I experienced many precious moments in Thailand where fear could not find me, moments during which everything in this beautiful forest was perfect.
Tomorrow, there might be fear, but so be it; that moment would be perfect as well, because I learned that wherever I was - that is exactly where I must be.
I would ask myself; why couldn't I die right now, to my desires and ambitions, my worries and fears? Could I let go of memories, security, and self-identity, coming up empty; dying to everything I was familiar with without fearing tomorrow? Without dying to these things, how would I ever free myself to feel real love, not attachment or lust, but real unconditional, universal love .
.
.
real unconditional truth - Reality? No, I wasn't ready to die just yet, but I was determined not to let my preoccupied mind endlessly steal these precious moments and hold me prisoner in my past and future.
I knew that the moment would someday be my legacy, my true being of unbridled freedom and love.
I instinctively understood that only the mystical moment was completely alive, unknown, and immeasurable, beyond capture, a totally embracing Reality.
I was convinced that it reflected my true nature, which could only be timeless, and that it must be as vast as eternity, and the only place where I could ever be truly defined.
If only I could actually step into that moment and remain there, then my entire being would be unquestionably transformed, moved supernaturally from selfish fear into all-encompassing love.
Then I would know, without knowing, that everything is perfect, just as it is.
And I understood something else - I discovered our Fourth Freedom! I now understood that serious, dedicated meditation is required to attain enlightenment.
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