As a divorce lawyer and family mediator for more than 30 years, I have had the opportunity to see many divorce and custody cases from varied perspectives: neutral mediator, court-appointed settlement mediator and facilitator, best interest attorney representing children, and advocate for husbands and wives, fathers and mothers.
In late 1993, having seen the most common sources of ongoing acrimony between parents, both during the break-up and afterward, I penned a list of twelve commandments for divorced parents.
The list was first published by Ann Landers in her nationally syndicated column in January 1994.
This list has stood the test of time.
Despite changes in technology and parenting styles, these Twelve Commandments for Divorced Parents remain sound rubrics to guide parents.
1.
Never make visitation arrangements directly with children under 12.
2.
Never suggest visitation arrangements you have not previously discussed with the other parent.
Always confirm with the other parent any visitation arrangements made with children 12 and over.
3.
Send and return children who are clean, well-rested and fed.
Do not send or return a sack or suitcase full of soiled clothes.
4.
Do not use a telephone answering device to screen calls from the other parent or limit telephone access between your children and the other parent - except after your children's actual bedtime, not the bedtime you would like them to have.
5.
Do not discuss divorce disputes with your children or allow them to hear you discussing your differences regarding them.
6.
Do not send messages or money with your children.
7.
Do not speak ill of the other parent - or of his or her relatives, friends or loved ones.
8.
Do not ask your children for information about the other parent's household, friends, income or activities.
9.
Do not believe everything you hear from your children.
10.
Do not second-guess the other parent regarding discipline, rewards or anything else.
11.
Give a sympathetic ear to your children, but affirm and reaffirm as often as necessary that you are not a referee or a mediator between your children and the other parent.
12.
Be courteous.
Do not honk your horn for your children to come out.
Walk to the other parent's door, but do not go inside unless invited by an adult.
Have the children ready to go.
Always be on time.
Smile.
In late 1993, having seen the most common sources of ongoing acrimony between parents, both during the break-up and afterward, I penned a list of twelve commandments for divorced parents.
The list was first published by Ann Landers in her nationally syndicated column in January 1994.
This list has stood the test of time.
Despite changes in technology and parenting styles, these Twelve Commandments for Divorced Parents remain sound rubrics to guide parents.
1.
Never make visitation arrangements directly with children under 12.
2.
Never suggest visitation arrangements you have not previously discussed with the other parent.
Always confirm with the other parent any visitation arrangements made with children 12 and over.
3.
Send and return children who are clean, well-rested and fed.
Do not send or return a sack or suitcase full of soiled clothes.
4.
Do not use a telephone answering device to screen calls from the other parent or limit telephone access between your children and the other parent - except after your children's actual bedtime, not the bedtime you would like them to have.
5.
Do not discuss divorce disputes with your children or allow them to hear you discussing your differences regarding them.
6.
Do not send messages or money with your children.
7.
Do not speak ill of the other parent - or of his or her relatives, friends or loved ones.
8.
Do not ask your children for information about the other parent's household, friends, income or activities.
9.
Do not believe everything you hear from your children.
10.
Do not second-guess the other parent regarding discipline, rewards or anything else.
11.
Give a sympathetic ear to your children, but affirm and reaffirm as often as necessary that you are not a referee or a mediator between your children and the other parent.
12.
Be courteous.
Do not honk your horn for your children to come out.
Walk to the other parent's door, but do not go inside unless invited by an adult.
Have the children ready to go.
Always be on time.
Smile.
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