The question "What does depression feel like?" is a loaded question.
There can be many answers.
There are different forms of depression and people have their own feelings and thoughts that can make their symptoms different from mine.
I have tried to explain this to some of my closest friends that do not understand my form of depression which is a chemical imbalance that has been a life long struggle.
I will do my best to explain what depression feels like to me.
I believe the more open I am, the better educated some may become.
There are many people who think of depression as a phase of feeling sad.
While this is true for some, it is much more than that for others.
Since I am medicated and use many practices to keep my spirits high, I am pleased to say that what I am about to explain only occurs on occasion and is mild compared to what I used to feel before I started taking medication.
I chose this topic today because it was not a good day for me mentally.
Even with medication, I still have some challenging phases or an occasional bad day or two.
Medication helps level out my mood.
When you have a chemical imbalance, it is easier for things to hit you emotionally harder than someone who does not.
Today is the Tuesday after Memorial Day.
I have had 4 days off from work and my son has been away on a trip to Disney with his father.
I spent a large part of the past four days trying to take it easy because I have been battling a bad cold.
I also spent the majority of it alone.
I stayed busy, I did things that I enjoyed, I saw an old friend for a short time that I had not seen in a while and I exercised a lot.
However, I was feeling a little sad that I did not get to experience my son's first trip to Disney with him.
I was also feeling sad because I was feeling alone on this holiday weekend.
Everyone had plans and I was invited to some of them but I just didn't feel well.
Being alone is a good thing on occasion but probably not the best for me this past weekend.
On Sunday, decided to spend the day with some friends at a live music event.
It was a beautiful day at a restaurant which is located on the water.
It was the perfect time to relax and have a few drinks.
As a person who suffers from depression, I should NEVER drink, but I do.
I do it socially and then wind up drinking more than I should.
This is part of the reason for my bad day today.
Alcohol is a depressant and for me, it hits the day or two after.
This is nothing new but I go out with the intent of only having a few and pacing and then I find myself in the same situation that I shouldn't be putting myself into.
I won't go into specifics about the events that occurred that night but I am grateful to have some amazing friends and that I didn't make a complete idiot out of myself.
Back to today, Tuesday after Memorial Day.
I was at work which is the place I most hate to be.
I was still beating myself up for drinking too much on Sunday.
I was concerned about my son's behavior when I was going to be picking him up later.
He tends to be a little out of control after a long period with his dad and quite frankly, he can be a little mean towards me.
I am the parent who has a schedule that must be followed due to my job.
I am the parent who cannot afford to do the many fun things that he gets to do with his dad.
I was just not feeling well and as I talked to a co-worker about my son's return and how he makes me feel so defeated, my voice started to crack a little.
I had to take a deep breath and hold back the tears that were about to come from left field.
When you have depression, you can cry instantly and not even know it is coming.
Luckily, I pulled it together.
However, when I talked to my son's father a short time later, I cracked a little again.
I once again pulled it together but explained my mental state to him as he deals with some imbalances of his own.
He helped calm me down a little.
All that I could think of today was how I was feeling so down and didn't feel like I had any control over it.
I explained to my friend that I feel like I am floating in a bubble.
Below, I see everyone keeping life in control.
I see different paths but I don't know which one to take because they don't tell me where I am going.
I feel like I can't ground myself and pull it together enough to take a chance with one of those paths.
No one on the ground see's me other than my friends who really know me and when they look up at me, it is with disappointment and pathetic sorrow.
I feel suffocated in my bubble and so lost in space.
I knew that the way I was feeling today was temporary and would pass.
I knew because I have been through this too many times before.
It is a helpless feeling.
It is a lonesome feeling.
It is exhausting.
All I want for myself is to be happy.
I want to enjoy life.
I want to have direction.
I want to make better decisions.
I want to be a better mom.
I try and try and try but I always somehow wind up feeling defeated.
So when someone asks, "What does depression feel like?" I am not sure that it can ever be fully answered.
It depends on the day and the circumstances occurring in my life at that time.
For me personally, I would say that today was a lonely place to be.
It was discomforting and unpredictable.
It was exhausting and I just wanted to hide in a corner and cry.
Instead, I fought hard and pushed through the day.
Luckily, my day got better after I picked up my son who seemed happy to see me and was on good behavior.
When I feel sad like I did today, I find so much joy in him.
I hugged him so many times tonight.
I missed him.
He is my purpose in my life and he makes me want to be a better person.
My problems do not even touch the surface that others may be facing in their lives but unfortunately, having a chemical imbalance makes you feel like your world is not really a great place to be.
I am glad this day has passed and I pray for a better tomorrow.
The best thing about life is that things never stay the same and while having depression may always stay the same for me, it never stays at the constant low level it once was and for that, I am grateful.
There can be many answers.
There are different forms of depression and people have their own feelings and thoughts that can make their symptoms different from mine.
I have tried to explain this to some of my closest friends that do not understand my form of depression which is a chemical imbalance that has been a life long struggle.
I will do my best to explain what depression feels like to me.
I believe the more open I am, the better educated some may become.
There are many people who think of depression as a phase of feeling sad.
While this is true for some, it is much more than that for others.
Since I am medicated and use many practices to keep my spirits high, I am pleased to say that what I am about to explain only occurs on occasion and is mild compared to what I used to feel before I started taking medication.
I chose this topic today because it was not a good day for me mentally.
Even with medication, I still have some challenging phases or an occasional bad day or two.
Medication helps level out my mood.
When you have a chemical imbalance, it is easier for things to hit you emotionally harder than someone who does not.
Today is the Tuesday after Memorial Day.
I have had 4 days off from work and my son has been away on a trip to Disney with his father.
I spent a large part of the past four days trying to take it easy because I have been battling a bad cold.
I also spent the majority of it alone.
I stayed busy, I did things that I enjoyed, I saw an old friend for a short time that I had not seen in a while and I exercised a lot.
However, I was feeling a little sad that I did not get to experience my son's first trip to Disney with him.
I was also feeling sad because I was feeling alone on this holiday weekend.
Everyone had plans and I was invited to some of them but I just didn't feel well.
Being alone is a good thing on occasion but probably not the best for me this past weekend.
On Sunday, decided to spend the day with some friends at a live music event.
It was a beautiful day at a restaurant which is located on the water.
It was the perfect time to relax and have a few drinks.
As a person who suffers from depression, I should NEVER drink, but I do.
I do it socially and then wind up drinking more than I should.
This is part of the reason for my bad day today.
Alcohol is a depressant and for me, it hits the day or two after.
This is nothing new but I go out with the intent of only having a few and pacing and then I find myself in the same situation that I shouldn't be putting myself into.
I won't go into specifics about the events that occurred that night but I am grateful to have some amazing friends and that I didn't make a complete idiot out of myself.
Back to today, Tuesday after Memorial Day.
I was at work which is the place I most hate to be.
I was still beating myself up for drinking too much on Sunday.
I was concerned about my son's behavior when I was going to be picking him up later.
He tends to be a little out of control after a long period with his dad and quite frankly, he can be a little mean towards me.
I am the parent who has a schedule that must be followed due to my job.
I am the parent who cannot afford to do the many fun things that he gets to do with his dad.
I was just not feeling well and as I talked to a co-worker about my son's return and how he makes me feel so defeated, my voice started to crack a little.
I had to take a deep breath and hold back the tears that were about to come from left field.
When you have depression, you can cry instantly and not even know it is coming.
Luckily, I pulled it together.
However, when I talked to my son's father a short time later, I cracked a little again.
I once again pulled it together but explained my mental state to him as he deals with some imbalances of his own.
He helped calm me down a little.
All that I could think of today was how I was feeling so down and didn't feel like I had any control over it.
I explained to my friend that I feel like I am floating in a bubble.
Below, I see everyone keeping life in control.
I see different paths but I don't know which one to take because they don't tell me where I am going.
I feel like I can't ground myself and pull it together enough to take a chance with one of those paths.
No one on the ground see's me other than my friends who really know me and when they look up at me, it is with disappointment and pathetic sorrow.
I feel suffocated in my bubble and so lost in space.
I knew that the way I was feeling today was temporary and would pass.
I knew because I have been through this too many times before.
It is a helpless feeling.
It is a lonesome feeling.
It is exhausting.
All I want for myself is to be happy.
I want to enjoy life.
I want to have direction.
I want to make better decisions.
I want to be a better mom.
I try and try and try but I always somehow wind up feeling defeated.
So when someone asks, "What does depression feel like?" I am not sure that it can ever be fully answered.
It depends on the day and the circumstances occurring in my life at that time.
For me personally, I would say that today was a lonely place to be.
It was discomforting and unpredictable.
It was exhausting and I just wanted to hide in a corner and cry.
Instead, I fought hard and pushed through the day.
Luckily, my day got better after I picked up my son who seemed happy to see me and was on good behavior.
When I feel sad like I did today, I find so much joy in him.
I hugged him so many times tonight.
I missed him.
He is my purpose in my life and he makes me want to be a better person.
My problems do not even touch the surface that others may be facing in their lives but unfortunately, having a chemical imbalance makes you feel like your world is not really a great place to be.
I am glad this day has passed and I pray for a better tomorrow.
The best thing about life is that things never stay the same and while having depression may always stay the same for me, it never stays at the constant low level it once was and for that, I am grateful.
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