By Susie and Otto Collins
Gary's divorce has been final for a couple of months now. He feels like the drama that came with the break up of his marriage is mostly settled down. There are still a few sore points between he and his ex, but for the most part, life is just now beginning to feel normal again.
When a friend asked Gary when he plans to start dating again, the question caught him by surprise. After being cheated on and then dealing with the aftermath-- including the divorce-- he initially believed it would be a long, long while before he wanted to date again.
But...
Gary is realizing that he is noticing a couple of women who live in his apartment building and a couple of other women who work in his office building whom he is attracted to and would possibly like to get to know better. He feels like he'd like to make a fresh start with this new life he's creating, this includes dating and possibly being in a new relationship.
The challenge for Gary is how exactly to do this! He was married for almost 25 years before getting divorced. The idea of asking a woman out on a date seems foreign and nerve-wracking to him.
There are all kinds of feelings that can accompany getting a divorce. Some people feel heart-broken and are virtually paralyzed by the whole experience. They do well just to survive their day-to-day lives as they adjust and heal.
Others feel sadness, but also a sense of relief. For various reasons, there can be greater ease because, with the divorce, the arguments and tension are significantly lessened and possibly completely finished.
There is not one "right" way to feel after a break up or divorce. What is most important is that you honor whatever you are feeling-- even if your emotions seem contradictory.
Regardless of how you are experiencing your divorce, at some point, you're probably going to feel ready to make a fresh start. You might even want to date again (now or sometime in the future), but you're just not certain of how to begin.
Make completions.
Even if you firmly believe that you never want to date again, it's really important that you nurture your healing after the divorce. A powerful way to do this is to make completions with the past.
When you make completions, you are NOT wiping out the memory of your past marriage. You are NOT negating every single good (bad or in-between) memory of the times you shared with your former spouse.
What making completions will do is help you re-focus on your present life. When you make a completion, you are loosening the grip that the past has on you right now.
This can be freeing and it can create space. Space and being present in the here and now are absolute requirements to making a fresh start, whether or not that includes dating again.
Pay attention to what about your ended marriage seems to have the biggest hold over you. Is it a certain memory? Is it a particular thought or belief? Perhaps it is some physical item that reminds you of your past relationship with your ex.
Once you have identified one of the things that seems to have a hold over you and that sucks your energy and attention back to the past, it's time to get creative. Come up with a way to make a completion regarding that memory, physical item or thought.
For example, early on in our relationship, we took a trip together to the coast. We spoke sincere words of appreciation about each of our ex-es and then we threw our wedding rings from our former marriages off a cliff and into the sea.
You can write a letter, paint on canvas, burn old photos in a fireplace or whatever appeals to you. This act of making a completion is one way to clear space for the fresh start you desire.
Let your new life unfold naturally.
As you let go of your past marriage more and more, you might start to feel anxious because the new life you want-- which might include a new relationship-- isn't happening as quickly as you'd like it to (or at all).
Try to relax about this and allow it to unfold naturally.
Follow up on activities or interests that draw your attention and stay open to the people you meet while doing these things. Make nurturing your own healing, growth and personal expansion your priorities and the rest of what you want will inevitably fall into place.
If you are looking for a new partner, be clear within yourself about what you want right now. Don't get too caught up in what this new partner has to look like, what age he or she needs to be or how much money the person needs to earn.
Instead, get clear about the kind of experience you want to have with a date or partner. How do you want to feel when you two are together? What types of activities do you want do with this person? What sort of relationship qualities would you like to cultivate together?
This kind of visualizing will help you attract the kind of relationship or dating experience you want.
Gary's divorce has been final for a couple of months now. He feels like the drama that came with the break up of his marriage is mostly settled down. There are still a few sore points between he and his ex, but for the most part, life is just now beginning to feel normal again.
When a friend asked Gary when he plans to start dating again, the question caught him by surprise. After being cheated on and then dealing with the aftermath-- including the divorce-- he initially believed it would be a long, long while before he wanted to date again.
But...
Gary is realizing that he is noticing a couple of women who live in his apartment building and a couple of other women who work in his office building whom he is attracted to and would possibly like to get to know better. He feels like he'd like to make a fresh start with this new life he's creating, this includes dating and possibly being in a new relationship.
The challenge for Gary is how exactly to do this! He was married for almost 25 years before getting divorced. The idea of asking a woman out on a date seems foreign and nerve-wracking to him.
There are all kinds of feelings that can accompany getting a divorce. Some people feel heart-broken and are virtually paralyzed by the whole experience. They do well just to survive their day-to-day lives as they adjust and heal.
Others feel sadness, but also a sense of relief. For various reasons, there can be greater ease because, with the divorce, the arguments and tension are significantly lessened and possibly completely finished.
There is not one "right" way to feel after a break up or divorce. What is most important is that you honor whatever you are feeling-- even if your emotions seem contradictory.
Regardless of how you are experiencing your divorce, at some point, you're probably going to feel ready to make a fresh start. You might even want to date again (now or sometime in the future), but you're just not certain of how to begin.
Make completions.
Even if you firmly believe that you never want to date again, it's really important that you nurture your healing after the divorce. A powerful way to do this is to make completions with the past.
When you make completions, you are NOT wiping out the memory of your past marriage. You are NOT negating every single good (bad or in-between) memory of the times you shared with your former spouse.
What making completions will do is help you re-focus on your present life. When you make a completion, you are loosening the grip that the past has on you right now.
This can be freeing and it can create space. Space and being present in the here and now are absolute requirements to making a fresh start, whether or not that includes dating again.
Pay attention to what about your ended marriage seems to have the biggest hold over you. Is it a certain memory? Is it a particular thought or belief? Perhaps it is some physical item that reminds you of your past relationship with your ex.
Once you have identified one of the things that seems to have a hold over you and that sucks your energy and attention back to the past, it's time to get creative. Come up with a way to make a completion regarding that memory, physical item or thought.
For example, early on in our relationship, we took a trip together to the coast. We spoke sincere words of appreciation about each of our ex-es and then we threw our wedding rings from our former marriages off a cliff and into the sea.
You can write a letter, paint on canvas, burn old photos in a fireplace or whatever appeals to you. This act of making a completion is one way to clear space for the fresh start you desire.
Let your new life unfold naturally.
As you let go of your past marriage more and more, you might start to feel anxious because the new life you want-- which might include a new relationship-- isn't happening as quickly as you'd like it to (or at all).
Try to relax about this and allow it to unfold naturally.
Follow up on activities or interests that draw your attention and stay open to the people you meet while doing these things. Make nurturing your own healing, growth and personal expansion your priorities and the rest of what you want will inevitably fall into place.
If you are looking for a new partner, be clear within yourself about what you want right now. Don't get too caught up in what this new partner has to look like, what age he or she needs to be or how much money the person needs to earn.
Instead, get clear about the kind of experience you want to have with a date or partner. How do you want to feel when you two are together? What types of activities do you want do with this person? What sort of relationship qualities would you like to cultivate together?
This kind of visualizing will help you attract the kind of relationship or dating experience you want.
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