If you are like me, and for your sake I truly hope that you aren't, then at times you find dealing with other people to be frustrating, tedious and possibly even nauseating.
Nowadays there are few conversations I have that don't eventually come to blows and even fewer where I don't have to use my Memory-Erase Spray (coming to a street corner or the trunk of a car near you!).
Through the years I have noticed certain commonalities held between the most dreadful of chats and have perfected this handy guide to allow one to know when they are about to engage in a conversation which will kill most, if not all of their brain cells.
If you hear any of these opening remarks, please cover your ears and run away screaming: -"Now, I'm not a racist, but...
" -"Hey big guy, what's your blood type?" -"You know who you look like?" -"Well the first time we went to Monkton...
" -"Hey, want to make fifty bucks?" -"So I had this crazy dream last night.
" -"Want to see something weird?" -"I partied so hard last weekend.
" -"Are you related to (insert name of very distant relative you vaguely remember from your childhood or a story from your grandmother or an old dusty photo album here)?" -"Come see my collection!" -"Hey baby, you look a little lost.
" -"What does this lump look like to you?" or its variants: "Is this a pimple or an ingrown hair?", "Should I see a doctor about this?", "Is it supposed to bend this way?", etc.
-"Lookin' for somebody?" -"Can you keep a secret?" -"Who are you going to vote for?" Then there are those conversations which trick us.
The other party lulls us in with deceptive language and stories that seem like they are going somewhere or actually have a plot and characters.
It's only when it's already too late that we discover we are trapped in a mindless, infinite tunnel of muttering "Uh huh" and "Oh" until the other person finally stops to breathe, or all the blood leaves their head, and we can make our escape.
Here are some concluding lines that indicate your I.
Q.
has dropped several points after listening to their story: -"Yeah, I could have gone pro.
" -"So then I was all like, 'Whatever'.
" -"And then I woke up.
" -"But it turned out it was just gas.
" -"So we looked it up in the dictionary and I was right: two R's.
" -"But he/she said we could still be friends!" -"Long story short, the judge only gave me three years.
" -"I said no cops!" -"Sincerely, George R.
Bruce.
"
Nowadays there are few conversations I have that don't eventually come to blows and even fewer where I don't have to use my Memory-Erase Spray (coming to a street corner or the trunk of a car near you!).
Through the years I have noticed certain commonalities held between the most dreadful of chats and have perfected this handy guide to allow one to know when they are about to engage in a conversation which will kill most, if not all of their brain cells.
If you hear any of these opening remarks, please cover your ears and run away screaming: -"Now, I'm not a racist, but...
" -"Hey big guy, what's your blood type?" -"You know who you look like?" -"Well the first time we went to Monkton...
" -"Hey, want to make fifty bucks?" -"So I had this crazy dream last night.
" -"Want to see something weird?" -"I partied so hard last weekend.
" -"Are you related to (insert name of very distant relative you vaguely remember from your childhood or a story from your grandmother or an old dusty photo album here)?" -"Come see my collection!" -"Hey baby, you look a little lost.
" -"What does this lump look like to you?" or its variants: "Is this a pimple or an ingrown hair?", "Should I see a doctor about this?", "Is it supposed to bend this way?", etc.
-"Lookin' for somebody?" -"Can you keep a secret?" -"Who are you going to vote for?" Then there are those conversations which trick us.
The other party lulls us in with deceptive language and stories that seem like they are going somewhere or actually have a plot and characters.
It's only when it's already too late that we discover we are trapped in a mindless, infinite tunnel of muttering "Uh huh" and "Oh" until the other person finally stops to breathe, or all the blood leaves their head, and we can make our escape.
Here are some concluding lines that indicate your I.
Q.
has dropped several points after listening to their story: -"Yeah, I could have gone pro.
" -"So then I was all like, 'Whatever'.
" -"And then I woke up.
" -"But it turned out it was just gas.
" -"So we looked it up in the dictionary and I was right: two R's.
" -"But he/she said we could still be friends!" -"Long story short, the judge only gave me three years.
" -"I said no cops!" -"Sincerely, George R.
Bruce.
"
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