How not to Repair a Toaster after 2 glasses of wine.
Plug in toaster.
Punch lever several times.
Un-plug toaster, turn it upside down and watch all of last years breakfast crumbs spray all over worktop.
Apply damp cloth and attempt to clean worktop, give up and employ instead "Mr Dust Buster".
Said Dust Buster works well for 27 seconds, then starts beeping and going slow.
Mr Dust Buster stops completely and coughs up all the crumbs you just cleaned up along with last years Christmas tree tinsel.
Employ Mr Henry Hoover, which duly removes all evidence of previous mistakes along with Wife's favourite net curtain from over sink.
Dismantle Mr Henry Hoover to look for said curtain only to find missing razor blades.
Retrieve same and take time out for really close shave.
Return to re-assemble Mr Henry Hoover.
(Not possible) Turn attention back to faulty toaster (now clean).
Plug toaster in again and apply liberal pressure 30 or 40 times on lever of toaster.
Result, toaster still not working, but now handle bent.
Go down stairs to Garage to retrieve last years Christmas present.
"Jewellers screw driver Set" While there, have 2 thirds of a game of darts with the only 2 darts you can find.
Return to Kitchen and scratch head, wonder why Mr Henry Hoover is in bits and trying to make out with Mr Dust buster.
Think nothing of it and proceed to toaster with the tools you have fetched.
Spend 10 minutes sticking a mysterious dart into the toaster and a further 10 minutes with it, trying to unscrew a cork from a not yet opened bottle of wine.
Job done.
Return to garage to A.
Replace dart and B.
Pick up jewellers screwdriver set.
Return to Kitchen.
Trip over various parts of MR Henry Hoover strewn around the floor, fall on Mr Dust Buster who starts up with a roar, causing the normal reaction of clamping hands over ears.
5 minutes later, slowly remove Mr Dart from side of head and massage same.
Go to upstairs bathroom and run cold water over head.
Go to downstairs bathroom and run cold water over head.
Return to crime scene and attempt to foil CSI (Wife).
Return Mr Henry Hoover to Basement (in tact).
Re-fit net curtain to window over sink.
Apply Mr Dust Buster to wall holder for re-charge.
Sit down and also have well earned re-charge.
Answer door and...
Greet Wife who is amazed you left a bottle of wine out to "breath for her".
Fend off questions about shave, wet hair and being exhausted, fired at you by Wife.
Smile when asked if the toaster is repaired.
Say nothing when you are accused of being a no good, lousy, lazy Husband.
Look incontinent when your Wife tells you she fixed the toaster herself this morning, it was just a fuse!
Plug in toaster.
Punch lever several times.
Un-plug toaster, turn it upside down and watch all of last years breakfast crumbs spray all over worktop.
Apply damp cloth and attempt to clean worktop, give up and employ instead "Mr Dust Buster".
Said Dust Buster works well for 27 seconds, then starts beeping and going slow.
Mr Dust Buster stops completely and coughs up all the crumbs you just cleaned up along with last years Christmas tree tinsel.
Employ Mr Henry Hoover, which duly removes all evidence of previous mistakes along with Wife's favourite net curtain from over sink.
Dismantle Mr Henry Hoover to look for said curtain only to find missing razor blades.
Retrieve same and take time out for really close shave.
Return to re-assemble Mr Henry Hoover.
(Not possible) Turn attention back to faulty toaster (now clean).
Plug toaster in again and apply liberal pressure 30 or 40 times on lever of toaster.
Result, toaster still not working, but now handle bent.
Go down stairs to Garage to retrieve last years Christmas present.
"Jewellers screw driver Set" While there, have 2 thirds of a game of darts with the only 2 darts you can find.
Return to Kitchen and scratch head, wonder why Mr Henry Hoover is in bits and trying to make out with Mr Dust buster.
Think nothing of it and proceed to toaster with the tools you have fetched.
Spend 10 minutes sticking a mysterious dart into the toaster and a further 10 minutes with it, trying to unscrew a cork from a not yet opened bottle of wine.
Job done.
Return to garage to A.
Replace dart and B.
Pick up jewellers screwdriver set.
Return to Kitchen.
Trip over various parts of MR Henry Hoover strewn around the floor, fall on Mr Dust Buster who starts up with a roar, causing the normal reaction of clamping hands over ears.
5 minutes later, slowly remove Mr Dart from side of head and massage same.
Go to upstairs bathroom and run cold water over head.
Go to downstairs bathroom and run cold water over head.
Return to crime scene and attempt to foil CSI (Wife).
Return Mr Henry Hoover to Basement (in tact).
Re-fit net curtain to window over sink.
Apply Mr Dust Buster to wall holder for re-charge.
Sit down and also have well earned re-charge.
Answer door and...
Greet Wife who is amazed you left a bottle of wine out to "breath for her".
Fend off questions about shave, wet hair and being exhausted, fired at you by Wife.
Smile when asked if the toaster is repaired.
Say nothing when you are accused of being a no good, lousy, lazy Husband.
Look incontinent when your Wife tells you she fixed the toaster herself this morning, it was just a fuse!
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