If you are one of the lucky divorcing parents whose ex is committed to making the transition from married to divorce as easy as possible, you are one of the lucky few.
Count your blessings and return the favor.
Your life will go much smoother and your children will be happier.
If your ex is determined to be difficult (or if you are the difficult one) there are some things you can do to make life easier.
Common problems: Badmouthing This parent often wants to be seen as the "good guy".
People who badmouth are often stuck in either stage two (pleasing others) or stage three (fairness).
More information on the stages can be found in our parenting classes - lesson four.
Usually a non-confrontational request to stop badmouthing is effective.
For example, keeping your voice calm, you can say: "I do not like it when Sally says that you told her not to listen to me because I am a liar.
I would appreciate it if you would not say bad things about me to her.
" If your ex tries to start a fight, don't let it happen.
You might repeat, "I would appreciate it if you would not say bad things about me to our daughter.
" But, never allow yourself to be drawn into an argument about it.
Refusing to agree on what's best for the children Often this parent truly believes they are doing what is best for the children.
It can be very frustrating because they often refuse to listen to any alternative whether it comes from the ex, from a clergyman or from the court.
Try validating their concern.
For example: "I understand that you think Tommy is too young to spend the whole weekend away from you, but I am capable of making sure he is safe and I promise to call you if I have any questions.
Let's try it just once and see how it goes.
" Dwelling on unresolved issues from the relationship This can be tough because these are the very things that led to the current situation.
If you couldn't fix them while you were together, they only add fuel to the current fire.
Often validating will help.
For example: "Yes, I was a slob.
I realize that you worked all day and then spent hours taking care of the house and picking up after me.
I appreciate that you did that for me.
" Threatening court action to take things away The best thing you can do if your ex uses threats of court action to take away things is to document everything.
Documentation can be as simple as a calendar.
Every phone call, every visit, every exchange can be put on the calendar.
A short note such as "phone call - 8pm - talked about school" or "visit - 11/23 - 11/25 - Chuck E Cheese and went to see Lion King".
If you have receipts or other documents, you can just put them in a 9X11 envelope.
If your ex does follow through on the threats, you will be able to document dates, times, and other important info.
Documentation goes a long way in court.
Being able to tell the court what you do with your child does help.
Having the documentation will enable you to rest a little easier when your ex tries to scare you with court action.
It is unfortunate that some ex's feel the need to cause pain, but it is a reality.
If it is your reality, then you must adjust yourself so that it doesn't get under your skin.
If you are drawn into the drama, then you will be affected and your ex will have won this battle.
Refuse to be drawn into it.
Practice phrases you can say when they start to draw you in to a fight.
Count your blessings and return the favor.
Your life will go much smoother and your children will be happier.
If your ex is determined to be difficult (or if you are the difficult one) there are some things you can do to make life easier.
Common problems: Badmouthing This parent often wants to be seen as the "good guy".
People who badmouth are often stuck in either stage two (pleasing others) or stage three (fairness).
More information on the stages can be found in our parenting classes - lesson four.
Usually a non-confrontational request to stop badmouthing is effective.
For example, keeping your voice calm, you can say: "I do not like it when Sally says that you told her not to listen to me because I am a liar.
I would appreciate it if you would not say bad things about me to her.
" If your ex tries to start a fight, don't let it happen.
You might repeat, "I would appreciate it if you would not say bad things about me to our daughter.
" But, never allow yourself to be drawn into an argument about it.
Refusing to agree on what's best for the children Often this parent truly believes they are doing what is best for the children.
It can be very frustrating because they often refuse to listen to any alternative whether it comes from the ex, from a clergyman or from the court.
Try validating their concern.
For example: "I understand that you think Tommy is too young to spend the whole weekend away from you, but I am capable of making sure he is safe and I promise to call you if I have any questions.
Let's try it just once and see how it goes.
" Dwelling on unresolved issues from the relationship This can be tough because these are the very things that led to the current situation.
If you couldn't fix them while you were together, they only add fuel to the current fire.
Often validating will help.
For example: "Yes, I was a slob.
I realize that you worked all day and then spent hours taking care of the house and picking up after me.
I appreciate that you did that for me.
" Threatening court action to take things away The best thing you can do if your ex uses threats of court action to take away things is to document everything.
Documentation can be as simple as a calendar.
Every phone call, every visit, every exchange can be put on the calendar.
A short note such as "phone call - 8pm - talked about school" or "visit - 11/23 - 11/25 - Chuck E Cheese and went to see Lion King".
If you have receipts or other documents, you can just put them in a 9X11 envelope.
If your ex does follow through on the threats, you will be able to document dates, times, and other important info.
Documentation goes a long way in court.
Being able to tell the court what you do with your child does help.
Having the documentation will enable you to rest a little easier when your ex tries to scare you with court action.
It is unfortunate that some ex's feel the need to cause pain, but it is a reality.
If it is your reality, then you must adjust yourself so that it doesn't get under your skin.
If you are drawn into the drama, then you will be affected and your ex will have won this battle.
Refuse to be drawn into it.
Practice phrases you can say when they start to draw you in to a fight.
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