How to Teach Children Social Graces

Modeling

Children pick up on the behavior of others via the process of observational learning, so it is important that you model the social graces you wish for them to master. If they see you politely welcoming guests into your home, treating others with respect and practicing good table manners, they will begin to do so themselves. Conversely, if you instruct them to behave in a polite manner and they then see you treat others with disrespect, they will experience confusion and begin to question whether good social graces are really a necessity.

Children also learn to distinguish between appropriate and inappropriate behaviors based on which behaviors result in reinforcement or rewards, and which result in punishment. A child who receives warm encouragement upon politely greeting a guest into your home will be more likely to repeat the behavior of acting as a gracious host in the future. When striving to teach children proper table etiquette, you may inform them ahead of time that good table manners will earn them an ice cream stop on the way home or a half hour of extra television time, while poor table manners will result in no ice cream or television privileges for the night. Be consistent with your promises of reward and punishment; a child who is told that proper table manners will result in ice cream and is then rewarded with ice cream despite failing to exhibit such manners will learn that he does not really have to practice good etiquette at the table.

Some children may not recognize that a particular social behavior is inappropriate unless you overtly inform them of the behavior that you expect from them. If you have tried modeling or reinforcing a social grace such as saying, "thank you," in appropriate scenarios and find that your child is still not behaving in a socially-gracious manner, try pulling her aside and explaining, "When people do nice things for us, it is polite to say 'thank you.' " Then, ask questions such as, "What do you say when someone does you a favor?" and "If you dropped your toy and I picked it up for you, what should you tell me?" to ensure that the child has understood the lesson.

The best time to correct impolite social language and behaviors is right when they occur. The next time your child utters something rude such as, "Gross! I hate when you make this disgusting mushy stuff!" explain right away that the more polite thing to say would have been, "I do not care for peas. Would it be okay if I took some more carrots instead?" If your child stands up and loudly announces that she has to poop, say, "What you just said was really inappropriate. The next time, I want you to quietly say, 'I need to use the restroom.' " If your child walks and takes another child's toy, you should immediately go up to him and say something like, "That was very rude. You wouldn't like it if Kevin took your toy without asking. Give back the toy and politely ask if he minds sharing with you." Then, stand nearby until the child returns the toy and graciously asks, "Do you mind if I play with this truck now? We can share and play together if you would like."