"Folks, it's one week before the election, and Chris Christie is praising a Democrat. What’s next, a Democrat praising Christie? It’s unnatural; it’s like kissing your sister. Which, by the way, would be federal law if Obama is elected." –Stephen Colbert
"Donald Trump said he'd give $5 million to charity if President Obama released his college transcripts. Obama responded by sending trump a full transcript from his alma mater, the University of Shove It Up Your Ass." –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama flew to a rally in Las Vegas last night.
However, he did not visit any of the casinos. You know why? When you're $16 trillion in debt, they don't let you in." –Jay Leno
"Today Colin Powell endorsed Barack Obama for president. This news surprised many elderly Americans who thought they were the same person." –Craig Ferguson
"One of President Obama's winning points last night was about how sanctions against Iran are crippling their economy. And believe me, if anyone knows how to cripple an economy, it's President Obama." –Jay Leno
"Tonight President Obama and Mitt Romney hold their final debate in Boca Raton, Florida. The topic of the debate is what is more shocking to see in Boca Raton, a Mormon or a black guy." –Conan O'Brien
"Tonight President Obama and Mitt Romney debate foreign policy. Pundits say it will be close, but it will probably go to the candidate who wore the 'I killed Osama bin Laden' T-shirt." –Conan O'Brien
"So far for Halloween, sales of Obama masks are 30 percent higher than the sales of Mitt Romney masks. That makes sense.
I mean, what's scarier than four more years of this economy?" –Jay Leno
"Tonight is the third and final presidential debate between former Governor Mitt Romney and future former President Barack Obama. Now I'm TiVoing it, so nobody tell me whether the moderate or conservative Romney kicked the lethargic or energetic Obama's ass." –Stephen Colbert
"Obama is still ahead in the swing states and among women. He is of course losing among men and in any states were you can buy the Confederate flag in a mall." -Bill Maher
"Endorsements are rolling in. The Atheist Party has endorsed Obama for president. When told the news Obama said, 'Thank God.'" –Conan O'Brien
"A CNN poll today said that 46 percent of viewers who watched thought Obama won and 39 percent thought Mitt Romney won. So, it looks like Obama's strategy of staying awake through this one paid off." –Jimmy Kimmel
"One of President Obama's goals tonight is to win back female voters. Which explains why Obama is going to answer every question with a passage from 'Fifty Shades of Grey.'" –Conan O'Brien
"The Obama campaign is releasing a new ad showing Americans whose financial situation has improved over the past four years. Unfortunately, the only person who appears in the ad is Mitt Romney." –Conan O'Brien
"This week President Obama's Facebook page received more than a million 'Likes' in a single day. All of them from Republicans who watched last week's debate." –Jimmy Fallon
"You know the Obama campaign's in trouble when they're looking to Joe Biden to turn things around." –David Letterman
"The good news for the White House is that unemployment has dropped to 7.8 percent, right where it was when President Obama took office. So Obama has gone from 'Change you can believe in' to 'Can you believe there's no change.'" –Jay Leno
"This week the Obamas' dog, Bo, turned 4 years old. He spent the day the way he always does – digging holes, chasing squirrels, and coaching Obama for the debates." –Jimmy Fallon
"Apparently after last week's debate, polls show Obama trailing Romney by one point. One point — or as it's also known, 'the thing Obama failed to make during last week's debate.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Democrats are accusing Mitt Romney of cheating during the debate. I don't know who he cheated off of, but I think we can rule out President Obama." –Jay Leno
"Obama's wedding anniversary was Wednesday and that was the same day as the debate. He apparently ahd the sex first and was completely spent, had nothing left." –Bill Maher
"Romney looked like the big winner, and Obama looked like the Big Lebowski. Now we know what Romney looks like when he is all charged up. And now we know what Michael Jackson looks like on diprivan.....I have not seen a black man look that disinterested and annoyed since I dragged Chris Rock to that Beach Boys concert. At one point Obama looked do dead, Romney tried to baptize him." –Bill Maher
"It's like Obama wasn't even there. He hasn't done this poorly since he debated Clint Eastwood." –Stephen Colbert
"They say close to 60 million people may have watched the debate. In fact, the only person who didn't tune in was President Obama. What happened?" –Jay Leno
"President Obama talked last night about finding new sources of energy. He couldn’t muster enough energy for the 90-minute debate. And to make matters worse, last night was his anniversary. The only way his wedding anniversary could have been worse was if he had forgotten it." –Jay Leno
"A lot of people disappointed in President Obama's performance last night. Last night, critics say President Obama spent too much time looking down at something on the podium. And today the president apologized and said, 'At the next debate, no more angry birds.'" –Conan O'Brien
"Tonight was the first presidential debate between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney. Not only that, it was also Obama's 20th wedding anniversary. It was a little weird during the debate when Obama promised to balance the budget, lower taxes, and be home by 10:00 for cuddle time." –Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama is so confident that he's thinking about letting Joe Biden start speaking again." –Jay Leno
"Well, last week in Vermont, the guy from the Dos Equis beer commercials -- you know "the most interesting man in the world" -- he hosted a fundraiser for President Obama. See, that shows you how things have changed. Four years ago the slogan was hope and change. Now it’s 'stay thirsty my friends.'" –Jay Leno
"Mitt Romney said the 47 percent of people who don't pay taxes are going to vote for Obama. You know what that means? He's going to vote for Obama." –Jay Leno
"A new poll shows that after the Democratic National Convention, President Obama got a four-point bounce in the polls, which means that's he's now only five points behind Bill Clinton." –Seth Meyers
"Obama joked this week that Bill Clinton, who has been campaigning for him, should be appointed to the role of Secretary of Explaining Stuff. Hey, you know what's another good name for that position? President." –Seth Meyers
"When it came to 'hope' and 'change' President Obama told the crowd, 'You were the change.' And then the crowd said, 'Hey don't blame us. You were supposed to be the change! I just voted. Why is it my fault?'" –Jay Leno
"It is day two of the Democratic convention, and apparently they had a huge lighting problem in the convention hall today. They worked all day on it. They still couldn't get President Obama out of Bill Clinton's shadow." –Jay Leno
"The stoner comedy duo Harold and Kumar are starring in a new promo for the Democratic convention alongside President Obama, which is pretty impressive. The only other person to go from smoking pot with buddies to the White House is President Obama." –Jay Leno
"On Saturday the White House released President Obama's personal recipe for a home-brewed beer. That's how bad the economy is. Not only is our president drinking, he's drinking beer he made in his bathtub." –Jimmy Kimmel
"I could never wrap my head around why the world and the President that Republicans describe, bear so little resemblance to the world and the President that I experience. And now I know why. There is a President Obama that only Republicans can see." –Jon Stewart on Clint Eastwood's "invisible Obama" speech at the Republican convention
"A man in Florida has been arrested for wearing a President Obama mask while robbing a McDonald's. To show you how good this guy's disguise was, instead of a holdup note he was reading from a teleprompter." –Jay Leno
"This Obama robber made some pretty scary threats to the McDonald's employees. He said, 'Give me your money, or else my economic plan will have you working here for the rest of your life.'" –Jay Leno
"According to The New York Times, more than half of President Obama's Twitter followers are fake. They don't even exist. Which is actually a good thing because if they did exist there wouldn't be any jobs for them." –Jay Leno
"Yesterday a medical marijuana group officially endorsed President Obama for president. Doesn't really help Obama though, because they were just getting around to endorsing him for 2008." –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama is brewing his own beer in the White House. Actually, the White House beer is a lot like the Obama administration – great buzz, weak finish." –Jay Leno
"Mitt Romney is predicting that as president, he will create 12 million jobs in his first term. Well, President Obama says a Romney presidency would result in lost jobs. Yeah, his and Biden's." –Jay Leno
"President Obama said today he is sticking with Joe Biden. Which means one of two things – either he thinks Biden is doing a good job or Hillary said no." –Jay Leno
"President Obama met with Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner in the Oval Office. They agreed on a new economic plan after losing last night's big Powerball lottery." –Jay Leno
"President Obama is still reminding people that he inherited this economy. Let me tell you something. If this economy doesn't turn around soon, his inheritance could be cut off in November." –Jay Leno
"According to a new book coming out by a Pulitzer Prize-winning author, apparently when he was in high school, President Obama smoked large amounts of marijuana. You know what that means? He could be our first green president." –Jay Leno
"President Obama admitted this week that a former girlfriend that he wrote about in his autobiography was made up and not a real person . . . So Obama had an imaginary girlfriend. Big deal! He had an imaginary economic plan. It’s all the same." –Jay Leno
"It's weird to me what Obama chose to fabricate in his memoir. It wasn't something cool he made up, like hitting six home runs in a little league game, or faking his own birth certificate. No, it was something lame. He just compressed the details of several girlfriends into one character. I'm thinking, oh, very smooth. Because if there's one thing I know that women love, it's being blurred together with other women." –Craig Ferguson
"I hosted the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner on Saturday night. The entertainment was me and President Obama. He was very funny, and made jokes about the fact that he ate a dog. Some people thought it was undignified for the president to joke about that. Personally, I feel like once you eat a dog, dignity is pretty much out the window. Get what you can out of it." –Jimmy Kimmel
"President Obama has revealed his new re-election slogan — 'Forward.' That's a good message for Obama. He's telling voters, 'Whatever you do, don't look back at all those campaign promises I made.'" –Jay Leno
"Conservatives are now criticizing President Obama because as a child in Indonesia he sometimes ate dog meat. But on the plus side, Obama is now polling very well among cats." –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama, in his memoir, talked about his childhood in Indonesia living with his stepfather. He said when he was 8 years old, his stepfather introduced him to a number of unusual meats, including dog. Our president ate dog. Not only that, according to the book, he also ate snake. And his mother was looking for tiger. He was eating through Noah's Ark." –Jimmy Kimmel
"But the dog thing — maybe that is where the floppy ears come from." –Jimmy Kimmel
"President Obama released his tax returns. It turns out he made $900,000 less in 2011 then he did in 2010. You know what that means? Even Obama is doing worse under President Obama." –Jay Leno
"It's not a good week for President Obama either. His approval rating has dropped 9% in the last month to an all-time low of 41%. It was 57% last May. In fact, if this keeps up, the White House says they may have to fish out Bin Laden and shoot him all over again." –Jay Leno
"One by one the Republican candidate potentials have been shooting themselves in the foot making huge, horrible gaffes and they just look silly. It's gotten so bad that President Obama is now worried he may actually be re-elected." –David Letterman
"President Obama will begin a three-state bus tour. I believe the three states are confusion, delusion, and desperation. " —Jay Leno
"A man jumped the White House fence, but after a brief chase, the Secret Service was able to talk President Obama into coming back and finishing his term." —Conan O'Brien
"President Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes we can,' to 'Yes we cave.'" –Jay Leno, on the debt deal
"Obama achieved the same kind of compromise with the Republicans that Custer reached with Sitting Bull." –David Letterman, on the debt deal
"President Obama said he'd be OK being a one-term President. And with that he shoved an iPhone down his pants and pressed 'send.'" –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama said regarding the economy, 'The sky is not falling.' The poll numbers are falling, the market is falling, support for the war in Libya is falling, Anthony Weiner's pants are falling, but the sky is fine." –Jay Leno
"The Republicans are so happy about bin Laden they’ve granted President Obama full citizenship." –David Letterman
"Rush Limbaugh said yesterday that Obama never would have tracked down bin Laden if it weren't for George W. Bush's policies. Although in fairness, Obama never would have even been elected if it weren’t for George W. Bush's policies." –Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama announced that Osama bin Laden has been killed in Pakistan. That's right, bin Laden is dead — just like the Republicans' chances in 2012." –Jimmy Fallon
"I think the next election just got a lot easier for President Obama 'cause his response to every question during the debates will be: 'Wait, I forget…Did you kill Osama Bin Laden? Or did I kill Osama Bin Laden. Oh no, it was me, wasn't it?'" –Craig Ferguson
"President Obama must be very happy because he finally took down his arch enemy: Donald Trump. The bin Laden announcement interrupted 'Celebrity Apprentice.'" –Craig Ferguson
"Osama bin Laden's death has been in the news all day. Leftish stations are going, 'President Obama saves the world.' Stations on the right are going, 'Obama kills fellow Muslim.'" –Craig Ferguson
"I don't like this new Obama who hunts Muslim extremists. I like the old Obama who WAS a Muslim extremist." –Stephen Colbert
"These people could have personally witnessed Obama being born out of an apple pie, in the middle of a Kansas wheat field, while Toby Keith sang the National Anthem — and they'd still think he was a Kenyan Muslim." —Jimmy Kimmel
"President Obama released his long-form birth certificate, proving once and for all he was born in this country. But you know, it never ends. Now Republican leaders are saying they want to see the placenta." –Jay Leno
"President Obama released his long-form birth certificate yesterday. So we found the birth certificate. Now it's on to bin Laden." –David Letterman, joking two days before bin Laden was killed
"Prominent people are coming forward to attest to President Obama's American citizenship. The Governor of Hawaii just said he first met Obama just days after he was born. He knew it was Obama, because he kept pointing to his diaper and calling for change." –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama is slated to appear on one of Oprah's last shows. He's hoping it's the one on which she gives away 14 trillion dollars." –Conan O'Brien
"The White House said that President Obama will not focus on full-time campaigning for a long time. Yeah, he wants to wait a year or two before he gets serious about it — just like he did with being president." –Jimmy Fallon
"Over the weekend, President Obama announced that he was running for a second term as president of the United States. There’s a brand-new campaign slogan — 'Give me four more years to find my birth certificate.'" —David Letterman
"President Obama, I guess, is starting to confess to some of his anxieties. In a recent interview, President Obama said, 'I miss being anonymous.' He said, 'In the old days, I could blend in with all the other Hawaiian Barack Hussein Obamas.'" —Conan O'Brien
"President Obama is going to seek reelection. His slogan this time? 'Change you can believe in. This time I promise. Really.'" –Jay Leno
"President Obama said he plans on running for re-election against the Republicans. After the tax cuts for the rich, the bailouts for Wall Street, and the bombing in Libya, I already thought he was the Republican candidate." –Jay Leno
"President Obama laid out his plan to reduce the $14 trillion national debt. Unfortunately for Sasha and Malia, it involves selling a lot of Girl Scout cookies." –Jimmy Kimmel
"President Obama said in an interview over the weekend that he really misses being anonymous. He said, 'I miss Saturday mornings rolling out of bed and not shaving, going to the market...' Be careful what you wish for, 2012 is just around the corner!" –Jay Leno
"President Obama announced that he will run for re-election in 2012. Unfortunately, his popularity is so low that he's running on the slogan, 'I'm Michelle Obama's husband.'" –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama announced his re-election campaign, though it's not really a surprise. He did all the things that make it official: He filed the paperwork, redesigned his website, and printed another fake birth certificate." –Craig Ferguson
"President Obama escalated the war in Afghanistan, he sent the Navy in to shoot at pirates in the Indian Ocean, and now he's attacking Libya. It's like he took the Nobel Peace Prize as an insult." –Jimmy Kimmel
"The situation is deteriorating in Libya and Japan and the stock market is collapsing worldwide. President Obama finally took decisive action. He named Duke, Kansas, Ohio State and Pittsburgh as his Final Four." —Jay Leno
"President Obama went on ESPN to announce his NCAA tournament picks. Or, as Japan put it, 'Really?'" —Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama's approval ratings are so low now, Kenyans are accusing him of being born in the United States." –Jay Leno
"President Obama says that he prays every night before bed. Or as Fox News reported, 'Obama in Daily Talks With Allah.'" –Conan O'Brien
"They finally maybe struck a deal to avert a government shutdown. Of course, all on the Republican terms. You can always tell when Obama's negotiations with the Republicans are winding down, because he's missing his watch and his lunch money." —Bill Maher
"President Obama said he was always getting in trouble when he was in middle school. In fact, Obama said he talked so much during class, the teacher had to take away his teleprompter." –Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama filled in as the coach of his daughter Sasha's basketball team. Sasha evidently listened to her Dad, because all she did was drive straight down the center and piss everyone off." —Conan O'Brien
"Obama is huge in the polls these days. His popularity is soaring. Even conservatives are coming around. 30 percent of them now believe Obama deserves a Green Card." —Bill Maher
"It looks like the Bush-era tax cuts for the rich will continue, due to a strong Republican leader, Barack Obama. Today Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes we can' to 'Yes, we caved.' It's so bad for him, now Democrats want to see his birth certificate." —Jay Leno
"President Obama has been meeting with voters in what he calls 'backyard chats.' He's held these in real people's backyards. You know something, I think all politicians should talk to people in their backyards. Then you could take what they say and spread it on the lawn." –Jay Leno
"People are kind of upset with British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward. Over the weekend, he was out on his yacht. And when President Obama found out that Tony Hayward was on his yacht, he was so angry, he missed a putt." –David Letterman
"Well, President Obama said today he’s going to use the gulf disaster to immediately push a new energy bill through Congress. I got an idea. How about first using the gulf disaster to fix the gulf disaster?" —Jay Leno
"Now, I know Obama was trying to take the long view, but talking about solar energy in the middle of the oil spill is like watching your house engulfed in flames and saying, 'We really should change the curtains.'" —Craig Ferguson
"At a stop in Buffalo today, a woman walks up to President Obama and says, 'You're a hottie with a smokin' little body.' She said that to the president of the United States. I tell you, Betty White is out of control." —Jay Leno
"Police in Texas arrested a man who was using the alias 'Barack Obama' while trying to steal money from 35 ATMs. They could tell something was up when a guy named Barack Obama was trying to take money from banks instead of giving it to them." —Jimmy Fallon
"Over the weekend, of course, down there in Washington, D.C., they had the big White House Correspondents' Dinner. Do you know who was really funny? President Obama. So funny, in fact, he has already been promised 'The Tonight Show' in five years." —David Letterman
"Obama is getting his mojo back. Apparently, he's going to get this financial package. That's right, the financial package is going through. He got healthcare. He got that nuclear weapons treaty... He's on a roll and he's taunting his critics. His new slogan is, 'Change You Can Suck On.'" —Bill Maher
"This is kind of crazy. I don't know if I believe this. A new Harris poll found that 57 percent of Republicans believe President Obama is a Muslim — 57 percent. 45 percent believe he was not born in the United States. 38 percent feel he's, quote, 'doing many of the things that Hitler did.' And 24 percent believe he may be the Antichrist. Oh, like Oprah would date the Antichrist." –Jimmy Kimmel
"After President Obama spoke, the Republicans gave their rebuttal, during which they pointed out that Obama has repeatedly failed to solve any of the problems they created under President Bush." -Jimmy Kimmel, on Obama's State of the Union Address
"A year into Obama's first term in office, unemployment is higher, the national debt is higher and there are more soldiers serving in Afghanistan. When asked about it, Obama was like, "Well, technically that is change." - Jimmy Fallon
"You know, it's hard to believe President Obama has now been in office for a year. Isn't that amazing? It's a year. And you know, it's incredible. He took something that was in terrible, terrible shape, and he brought it back from the brink of disaster: The Republican party." -Jay Leno
"Today, by the way, is our president, President Obama's, one-year anniversary in office. I looked it up. Traditionally on the first anniversary, you give paper, so, I got him his birth certificate." -Jimmy Kimmel
"That's pretty amazing, Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Ironically, his biggest accomplishment as president so far: winning the Nobel Peace Prize." --Jay Leno
"The Nobel committee said he won for creating a new climate for international politics. which sounds so much nicer than 'In your face George Bush you cowboy a**hole.'" --Bill Maher
"President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. The committee said they gave it gave it to Obama partly for his idealism and commitment to global cooperation, but mostly for calling Kanye West a jackass." --Conan O'Brien
"Conservatives say the award represents everything they stand against: black people, foreigners, and peace." --Bill Maher
"Obama said he will attend the ceremony in Oslo if he's not too busy with the two wars he's conducting." –Bill Maher
"I thought it was very ironic that he won the Nobel Prize for peace on a day we bombed the moon." --Bill Maher
"President Obama won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize. The Nobel committee said they wanted to recognize the president's fine work in bringing peace to a black professor and a white cop through the strategic use of beer." --Jay Leno
"The President held a press conference tonight in prime time. All the major networks carried it, except Fox. They ran the show 'Lie to Me' instead. Fox is something -- they killed President David Palmer off on '24,' they put his brother, President Wayne Palmer, into a permanent coma and now this. What does Fox have against black Presidents?” --Jimmy Kimmel
“Today marks 100 days of President Obama being in office, which is a big deal because 100 days is when his warranty runs out. We couldn’t return him now even if we wanted to.” --Jimmy Kimmel
"President Barack Obama told his Cabinet yesterday to insure that every taxpayer dollar is spent wisely. But there was one embarrassing moment when he had to explain to the Cabinet what a taxpayer was." --Jay Leno
"President Obama should get a big refund this year because he has a lot of dependents. AIG, Citibank, Morgan Stanley -- all dependents." --Jay Leno
"Barack Obama's daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it'll be cleaned up by future generations." --Jay Leno
"Well, the wait is over. The Obamas have chosen a new White House dog. It is a Portuguese water dog named Bo. Very cute dog. Their first choice was a wheaten terrier, but it was arrested for tax evasion." --Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama made a surprise visit to Iraq this week where he declared it is time for Iraqis to take responsibility for their country. Said Iraqis, 'You guys first.'" --Seth Meyers
"So they gave the Queen an iPod. I remember when British Prime Minister Gordon Brown was here, the Obamas gave him a DVD box set. So, it looks like they're saving the big gift, the Nintendo, for the Pope." --Jay Leno
"As you know by now, the government is now taking an active role in the auto business. President Obama offering hope, change, and 0 percent financing." --Jay Leno
"It's a great day for our president, Barack Obama, who got to meet the Queen of England today. She very regally gave him a photograph of her, and he gave her an iPod! That's quite an unusual gift from the President. Usually he gives out about $150 million." --Craig Ferguson
"President Obama, by the way, is, I think, making his first presidential European trip. And while he's there in Europe, he plans to fire the CEO's of BMW and Volkswagen." --David Letterman
"Big day in Detroit. You may have heard about this. The Obama Administration asked General Motors C.E.O. Rick Wagoner to step down, and he agreed, which is good news for Obama. You know, the last time he tried to get someone to quit, it took months. And even then, he had to promise her a job as Secretary of State." --Jay Leno
"And in a speech in Anchorage, Alaska, Sarah Palin took kind of a cheap shot at her former running mate, John McCain. She said she couldn't find anyone to pray with during the campaign. She's not the only one. Between Jesse Jackson and Reverend Wright, Obama couldn't find anybody to pray with either." --Jay Leno
"Today, President Obama announced he is using his own money to redecorate the White House. Meanwhile, he is using taxpayers' money to redecorate the houses of A.I.G. executives." --Craig Ferguson
"Barack Obama is taking his first overseas trip as president tomorrow. He is headed to the G20 economic summit. And he's been rehearsing his opening line to foreign leaders. 'Hi, I'm not George Bush. Hi, I'm not George Bush.'" --Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama has announced a task force to review the tax codes. He's concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes. And that's just in his administration." --Jay Leno
"How many watched the President's news conference last night? He got a little testy there, you know. When he was asked why he waited three days to speak out against the AIG bonuses, President Obama said he likes to know what he's talking about before he speaks. So, yet another reversal of the Bush policies." --Jay Leno
"Many people are complaining, though, that Obama is becoming too scripted. Last night, he was having an intimate moment with Michelle, and she said, 'Wait, are you reading the teleprompter?'" --Jimmy Fallon
"On '60 Minutes' the other night, if you saw the interview, reporter Steve Croft asked President Obama how he could laugh with all the financial trouble going on. And the President said it's necessary to have a measure of 'gallows humor to get you through the day.' You know why Obama likes gallows humor? It works much better for him than bowling humor." --Jay Leno
"After Barack Obama was on the show Thursday, I got a phone call from Joe Biden going, 'Wow, what was it like to talk to the President?'" --Jay Leno
"Did you see this on '60 Minutes' last night? Michelle Obama is planting a vegetable garden on the White House lawn. You know the economy's bad when the Obamas are afraid of running out of food." --Jimmy Fallon
"This morning, the first lady, Michelle Obama, celebrated spring by breaking ground on a new vegetable garden at the White House. She said she did it to help educate children about healthy, locally-grown food, and to help her own family survive the coming economic apocalypse." --Jimmy Kimmel
"We are very excited to have President Barack Obama on the show tonight. People think it's amazing that the President would take the time to leave Washington, DC, and fly 3,000 miles to come to California. But that happens to a lot of guys when their mother-in-law moves in with them." --Jay Leno
"No wonder Obama has gray hair. That was the big story in the paper yesterday, Obama has gray hair. Wow, now his hair isn't black enough." --Bill Maher
"Barack Obama said he may negotiate with the Taliban. A lot of people are saying okay, but be careful. But I said this guy has experience negotiating with the enemy. For gosh sake, he lives with his mother-in-law, you know." -- David Letterman
"Republicans are attacking Barack Obama because he now wants to negotiate directly with the Taliban. Obama responded, 'Hey, right now I'd rather deal with the Taliban than with Republicans.'" --Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama got some good news today. It seems so many of his cabinet appointees have been forced to pay their back taxes, he now gets a finder's fee from the IRS." --Jay Leno
"Here's some good news. Barack Obama announced he's bringing home troops from Iraq. That's right. Unfortunately, he couldn't get them direct flights home. They have a two-year layover in Afghanistan." --Jimmy Fallon
"During his trip to Ottawa, Canada, President Obama said he was too embarrassed to admit to the Canadians that he'd never actually seen a hockey game. To which the Canadians said, "Oh, don't worry, we've never seen a black guy." --Jay Leno
"How many watched the Obama speech on Tuesday night? If you didn't see it, I'll give you the short version. We're completely broke, and deeply in debt, but we're going to do a bank rescue, universal healthcare, give everybody a college education, have a bigger war in Afghanistan, cut the deficit in half, and cure cancer. We were this close to universal blow jobs." --Bill Maher
"President Obama gave his first State of the Union address to a joint session of Congress tonight. Obama focused on the three most critical things he wants Americans to understand: first, that the economy is in a lot of trouble; second, that the road to recovery won't be easy; and third, that it's all President Bush's fault." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Donald Trump said he'd give $5 million to charity if President Obama released his college transcripts. Obama responded by sending trump a full transcript from his alma mater, the University of Shove It Up Your Ass." –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama flew to a rally in Las Vegas last night.
However, he did not visit any of the casinos. You know why? When you're $16 trillion in debt, they don't let you in." –Jay Leno
"Today Colin Powell endorsed Barack Obama for president. This news surprised many elderly Americans who thought they were the same person." –Craig Ferguson
"One of President Obama's winning points last night was about how sanctions against Iran are crippling their economy. And believe me, if anyone knows how to cripple an economy, it's President Obama." –Jay Leno
"Tonight President Obama and Mitt Romney hold their final debate in Boca Raton, Florida. The topic of the debate is what is more shocking to see in Boca Raton, a Mormon or a black guy." –Conan O'Brien
"Tonight President Obama and Mitt Romney debate foreign policy. Pundits say it will be close, but it will probably go to the candidate who wore the 'I killed Osama bin Laden' T-shirt." –Conan O'Brien
"So far for Halloween, sales of Obama masks are 30 percent higher than the sales of Mitt Romney masks. That makes sense.
I mean, what's scarier than four more years of this economy?" –Jay Leno
"Tonight is the third and final presidential debate between former Governor Mitt Romney and future former President Barack Obama. Now I'm TiVoing it, so nobody tell me whether the moderate or conservative Romney kicked the lethargic or energetic Obama's ass." –Stephen Colbert
"Obama is still ahead in the swing states and among women. He is of course losing among men and in any states were you can buy the Confederate flag in a mall." -Bill Maher
"Endorsements are rolling in. The Atheist Party has endorsed Obama for president. When told the news Obama said, 'Thank God.'" –Conan O'Brien
"A CNN poll today said that 46 percent of viewers who watched thought Obama won and 39 percent thought Mitt Romney won. So, it looks like Obama's strategy of staying awake through this one paid off." –Jimmy Kimmel
"One of President Obama's goals tonight is to win back female voters. Which explains why Obama is going to answer every question with a passage from 'Fifty Shades of Grey.'" –Conan O'Brien
"The Obama campaign is releasing a new ad showing Americans whose financial situation has improved over the past four years. Unfortunately, the only person who appears in the ad is Mitt Romney." –Conan O'Brien
"This week President Obama's Facebook page received more than a million 'Likes' in a single day. All of them from Republicans who watched last week's debate." –Jimmy Fallon
"You know the Obama campaign's in trouble when they're looking to Joe Biden to turn things around." –David Letterman
"The good news for the White House is that unemployment has dropped to 7.8 percent, right where it was when President Obama took office. So Obama has gone from 'Change you can believe in' to 'Can you believe there's no change.'" –Jay Leno
"This week the Obamas' dog, Bo, turned 4 years old. He spent the day the way he always does – digging holes, chasing squirrels, and coaching Obama for the debates." –Jimmy Fallon
"Apparently after last week's debate, polls show Obama trailing Romney by one point. One point — or as it's also known, 'the thing Obama failed to make during last week's debate.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Democrats are accusing Mitt Romney of cheating during the debate. I don't know who he cheated off of, but I think we can rule out President Obama." –Jay Leno
"Obama's wedding anniversary was Wednesday and that was the same day as the debate. He apparently ahd the sex first and was completely spent, had nothing left." –Bill Maher
"Romney looked like the big winner, and Obama looked like the Big Lebowski. Now we know what Romney looks like when he is all charged up. And now we know what Michael Jackson looks like on diprivan.....I have not seen a black man look that disinterested and annoyed since I dragged Chris Rock to that Beach Boys concert. At one point Obama looked do dead, Romney tried to baptize him." –Bill Maher
"It's like Obama wasn't even there. He hasn't done this poorly since he debated Clint Eastwood." –Stephen Colbert
"They say close to 60 million people may have watched the debate. In fact, the only person who didn't tune in was President Obama. What happened?" –Jay Leno
"President Obama talked last night about finding new sources of energy. He couldn’t muster enough energy for the 90-minute debate. And to make matters worse, last night was his anniversary. The only way his wedding anniversary could have been worse was if he had forgotten it." –Jay Leno
"A lot of people disappointed in President Obama's performance last night. Last night, critics say President Obama spent too much time looking down at something on the podium. And today the president apologized and said, 'At the next debate, no more angry birds.'" –Conan O'Brien
"Tonight was the first presidential debate between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney. Not only that, it was also Obama's 20th wedding anniversary. It was a little weird during the debate when Obama promised to balance the budget, lower taxes, and be home by 10:00 for cuddle time." –Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama is so confident that he's thinking about letting Joe Biden start speaking again." –Jay Leno
"Well, last week in Vermont, the guy from the Dos Equis beer commercials -- you know "the most interesting man in the world" -- he hosted a fundraiser for President Obama. See, that shows you how things have changed. Four years ago the slogan was hope and change. Now it’s 'stay thirsty my friends.'" –Jay Leno
"Mitt Romney said the 47 percent of people who don't pay taxes are going to vote for Obama. You know what that means? He's going to vote for Obama." –Jay Leno
"A new poll shows that after the Democratic National Convention, President Obama got a four-point bounce in the polls, which means that's he's now only five points behind Bill Clinton." –Seth Meyers
"Obama joked this week that Bill Clinton, who has been campaigning for him, should be appointed to the role of Secretary of Explaining Stuff. Hey, you know what's another good name for that position? President." –Seth Meyers
"When it came to 'hope' and 'change' President Obama told the crowd, 'You were the change.' And then the crowd said, 'Hey don't blame us. You were supposed to be the change! I just voted. Why is it my fault?'" –Jay Leno
"It is day two of the Democratic convention, and apparently they had a huge lighting problem in the convention hall today. They worked all day on it. They still couldn't get President Obama out of Bill Clinton's shadow." –Jay Leno
"The stoner comedy duo Harold and Kumar are starring in a new promo for the Democratic convention alongside President Obama, which is pretty impressive. The only other person to go from smoking pot with buddies to the White House is President Obama." –Jay Leno
"On Saturday the White House released President Obama's personal recipe for a home-brewed beer. That's how bad the economy is. Not only is our president drinking, he's drinking beer he made in his bathtub." –Jimmy Kimmel
"I could never wrap my head around why the world and the President that Republicans describe, bear so little resemblance to the world and the President that I experience. And now I know why. There is a President Obama that only Republicans can see." –Jon Stewart on Clint Eastwood's "invisible Obama" speech at the Republican convention
"A man in Florida has been arrested for wearing a President Obama mask while robbing a McDonald's. To show you how good this guy's disguise was, instead of a holdup note he was reading from a teleprompter." –Jay Leno
"This Obama robber made some pretty scary threats to the McDonald's employees. He said, 'Give me your money, or else my economic plan will have you working here for the rest of your life.'" –Jay Leno
"According to The New York Times, more than half of President Obama's Twitter followers are fake. They don't even exist. Which is actually a good thing because if they did exist there wouldn't be any jobs for them." –Jay Leno
"Yesterday a medical marijuana group officially endorsed President Obama for president. Doesn't really help Obama though, because they were just getting around to endorsing him for 2008." –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama is brewing his own beer in the White House. Actually, the White House beer is a lot like the Obama administration – great buzz, weak finish." –Jay Leno
"Mitt Romney is predicting that as president, he will create 12 million jobs in his first term. Well, President Obama says a Romney presidency would result in lost jobs. Yeah, his and Biden's." –Jay Leno
"President Obama said today he is sticking with Joe Biden. Which means one of two things – either he thinks Biden is doing a good job or Hillary said no." –Jay Leno
"President Obama met with Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner in the Oval Office. They agreed on a new economic plan after losing last night's big Powerball lottery." –Jay Leno
"President Obama is still reminding people that he inherited this economy. Let me tell you something. If this economy doesn't turn around soon, his inheritance could be cut off in November." –Jay Leno
"According to a new book coming out by a Pulitzer Prize-winning author, apparently when he was in high school, President Obama smoked large amounts of marijuana. You know what that means? He could be our first green president." –Jay Leno
"President Obama admitted this week that a former girlfriend that he wrote about in his autobiography was made up and not a real person . . . So Obama had an imaginary girlfriend. Big deal! He had an imaginary economic plan. It’s all the same." –Jay Leno
"It's weird to me what Obama chose to fabricate in his memoir. It wasn't something cool he made up, like hitting six home runs in a little league game, or faking his own birth certificate. No, it was something lame. He just compressed the details of several girlfriends into one character. I'm thinking, oh, very smooth. Because if there's one thing I know that women love, it's being blurred together with other women." –Craig Ferguson
"I hosted the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner on Saturday night. The entertainment was me and President Obama. He was very funny, and made jokes about the fact that he ate a dog. Some people thought it was undignified for the president to joke about that. Personally, I feel like once you eat a dog, dignity is pretty much out the window. Get what you can out of it." –Jimmy Kimmel
"President Obama has revealed his new re-election slogan — 'Forward.' That's a good message for Obama. He's telling voters, 'Whatever you do, don't look back at all those campaign promises I made.'" –Jay Leno
"Conservatives are now criticizing President Obama because as a child in Indonesia he sometimes ate dog meat. But on the plus side, Obama is now polling very well among cats." –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama, in his memoir, talked about his childhood in Indonesia living with his stepfather. He said when he was 8 years old, his stepfather introduced him to a number of unusual meats, including dog. Our president ate dog. Not only that, according to the book, he also ate snake. And his mother was looking for tiger. He was eating through Noah's Ark." –Jimmy Kimmel
"But the dog thing — maybe that is where the floppy ears come from." –Jimmy Kimmel
"President Obama released his tax returns. It turns out he made $900,000 less in 2011 then he did in 2010. You know what that means? Even Obama is doing worse under President Obama." –Jay Leno
"It's not a good week for President Obama either. His approval rating has dropped 9% in the last month to an all-time low of 41%. It was 57% last May. In fact, if this keeps up, the White House says they may have to fish out Bin Laden and shoot him all over again." –Jay Leno
"One by one the Republican candidate potentials have been shooting themselves in the foot making huge, horrible gaffes and they just look silly. It's gotten so bad that President Obama is now worried he may actually be re-elected." –David Letterman
"President Obama will begin a three-state bus tour. I believe the three states are confusion, delusion, and desperation. " —Jay Leno
"A man jumped the White House fence, but after a brief chase, the Secret Service was able to talk President Obama into coming back and finishing his term." —Conan O'Brien
"President Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes we can,' to 'Yes we cave.'" –Jay Leno, on the debt deal
"Obama achieved the same kind of compromise with the Republicans that Custer reached with Sitting Bull." –David Letterman, on the debt deal
"President Obama said he'd be OK being a one-term President. And with that he shoved an iPhone down his pants and pressed 'send.'" –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama said regarding the economy, 'The sky is not falling.' The poll numbers are falling, the market is falling, support for the war in Libya is falling, Anthony Weiner's pants are falling, but the sky is fine." –Jay Leno
"The Republicans are so happy about bin Laden they’ve granted President Obama full citizenship." –David Letterman
"Rush Limbaugh said yesterday that Obama never would have tracked down bin Laden if it weren't for George W. Bush's policies. Although in fairness, Obama never would have even been elected if it weren’t for George W. Bush's policies." –Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama announced that Osama bin Laden has been killed in Pakistan. That's right, bin Laden is dead — just like the Republicans' chances in 2012." –Jimmy Fallon
"I think the next election just got a lot easier for President Obama 'cause his response to every question during the debates will be: 'Wait, I forget…Did you kill Osama Bin Laden? Or did I kill Osama Bin Laden. Oh no, it was me, wasn't it?'" –Craig Ferguson
"President Obama must be very happy because he finally took down his arch enemy: Donald Trump. The bin Laden announcement interrupted 'Celebrity Apprentice.'" –Craig Ferguson
"Osama bin Laden's death has been in the news all day. Leftish stations are going, 'President Obama saves the world.' Stations on the right are going, 'Obama kills fellow Muslim.'" –Craig Ferguson
"I don't like this new Obama who hunts Muslim extremists. I like the old Obama who WAS a Muslim extremist." –Stephen Colbert
"These people could have personally witnessed Obama being born out of an apple pie, in the middle of a Kansas wheat field, while Toby Keith sang the National Anthem — and they'd still think he was a Kenyan Muslim." —Jimmy Kimmel
"President Obama released his long-form birth certificate, proving once and for all he was born in this country. But you know, it never ends. Now Republican leaders are saying they want to see the placenta." –Jay Leno
"President Obama released his long-form birth certificate yesterday. So we found the birth certificate. Now it's on to bin Laden." –David Letterman, joking two days before bin Laden was killed
"Prominent people are coming forward to attest to President Obama's American citizenship. The Governor of Hawaii just said he first met Obama just days after he was born. He knew it was Obama, because he kept pointing to his diaper and calling for change." –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama is slated to appear on one of Oprah's last shows. He's hoping it's the one on which she gives away 14 trillion dollars." –Conan O'Brien
"The White House said that President Obama will not focus on full-time campaigning for a long time. Yeah, he wants to wait a year or two before he gets serious about it — just like he did with being president." –Jimmy Fallon
"Over the weekend, President Obama announced that he was running for a second term as president of the United States. There’s a brand-new campaign slogan — 'Give me four more years to find my birth certificate.'" —David Letterman
"President Obama, I guess, is starting to confess to some of his anxieties. In a recent interview, President Obama said, 'I miss being anonymous.' He said, 'In the old days, I could blend in with all the other Hawaiian Barack Hussein Obamas.'" —Conan O'Brien
"President Obama is going to seek reelection. His slogan this time? 'Change you can believe in. This time I promise. Really.'" –Jay Leno
"President Obama said he plans on running for re-election against the Republicans. After the tax cuts for the rich, the bailouts for Wall Street, and the bombing in Libya, I already thought he was the Republican candidate." –Jay Leno
"President Obama laid out his plan to reduce the $14 trillion national debt. Unfortunately for Sasha and Malia, it involves selling a lot of Girl Scout cookies." –Jimmy Kimmel
"President Obama said in an interview over the weekend that he really misses being anonymous. He said, 'I miss Saturday mornings rolling out of bed and not shaving, going to the market...' Be careful what you wish for, 2012 is just around the corner!" –Jay Leno
"President Obama announced that he will run for re-election in 2012. Unfortunately, his popularity is so low that he's running on the slogan, 'I'm Michelle Obama's husband.'" –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama announced his re-election campaign, though it's not really a surprise. He did all the things that make it official: He filed the paperwork, redesigned his website, and printed another fake birth certificate." –Craig Ferguson
"President Obama escalated the war in Afghanistan, he sent the Navy in to shoot at pirates in the Indian Ocean, and now he's attacking Libya. It's like he took the Nobel Peace Prize as an insult." –Jimmy Kimmel
"The situation is deteriorating in Libya and Japan and the stock market is collapsing worldwide. President Obama finally took decisive action. He named Duke, Kansas, Ohio State and Pittsburgh as his Final Four." —Jay Leno
"President Obama went on ESPN to announce his NCAA tournament picks. Or, as Japan put it, 'Really?'" —Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama's approval ratings are so low now, Kenyans are accusing him of being born in the United States." –Jay Leno
"President Obama says that he prays every night before bed. Or as Fox News reported, 'Obama in Daily Talks With Allah.'" –Conan O'Brien
"They finally maybe struck a deal to avert a government shutdown. Of course, all on the Republican terms. You can always tell when Obama's negotiations with the Republicans are winding down, because he's missing his watch and his lunch money." —Bill Maher
"President Obama said he was always getting in trouble when he was in middle school. In fact, Obama said he talked so much during class, the teacher had to take away his teleprompter." –Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama filled in as the coach of his daughter Sasha's basketball team. Sasha evidently listened to her Dad, because all she did was drive straight down the center and piss everyone off." —Conan O'Brien
"Obama is huge in the polls these days. His popularity is soaring. Even conservatives are coming around. 30 percent of them now believe Obama deserves a Green Card." —Bill Maher
"It looks like the Bush-era tax cuts for the rich will continue, due to a strong Republican leader, Barack Obama. Today Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes we can' to 'Yes, we caved.' It's so bad for him, now Democrats want to see his birth certificate." —Jay Leno
"President Obama has been meeting with voters in what he calls 'backyard chats.' He's held these in real people's backyards. You know something, I think all politicians should talk to people in their backyards. Then you could take what they say and spread it on the lawn." –Jay Leno
"People are kind of upset with British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward. Over the weekend, he was out on his yacht. And when President Obama found out that Tony Hayward was on his yacht, he was so angry, he missed a putt." –David Letterman
"Well, President Obama said today he’s going to use the gulf disaster to immediately push a new energy bill through Congress. I got an idea. How about first using the gulf disaster to fix the gulf disaster?" —Jay Leno
"Now, I know Obama was trying to take the long view, but talking about solar energy in the middle of the oil spill is like watching your house engulfed in flames and saying, 'We really should change the curtains.'" —Craig Ferguson
"At a stop in Buffalo today, a woman walks up to President Obama and says, 'You're a hottie with a smokin' little body.' She said that to the president of the United States. I tell you, Betty White is out of control." —Jay Leno
"Police in Texas arrested a man who was using the alias 'Barack Obama' while trying to steal money from 35 ATMs. They could tell something was up when a guy named Barack Obama was trying to take money from banks instead of giving it to them." —Jimmy Fallon
"Over the weekend, of course, down there in Washington, D.C., they had the big White House Correspondents' Dinner. Do you know who was really funny? President Obama. So funny, in fact, he has already been promised 'The Tonight Show' in five years." —David Letterman
"Obama is getting his mojo back. Apparently, he's going to get this financial package. That's right, the financial package is going through. He got healthcare. He got that nuclear weapons treaty... He's on a roll and he's taunting his critics. His new slogan is, 'Change You Can Suck On.'" —Bill Maher
"This is kind of crazy. I don't know if I believe this. A new Harris poll found that 57 percent of Republicans believe President Obama is a Muslim — 57 percent. 45 percent believe he was not born in the United States. 38 percent feel he's, quote, 'doing many of the things that Hitler did.' And 24 percent believe he may be the Antichrist. Oh, like Oprah would date the Antichrist." –Jimmy Kimmel
"After President Obama spoke, the Republicans gave their rebuttal, during which they pointed out that Obama has repeatedly failed to solve any of the problems they created under President Bush." -Jimmy Kimmel, on Obama's State of the Union Address
"A year into Obama's first term in office, unemployment is higher, the national debt is higher and there are more soldiers serving in Afghanistan. When asked about it, Obama was like, "Well, technically that is change." - Jimmy Fallon
"You know, it's hard to believe President Obama has now been in office for a year. Isn't that amazing? It's a year. And you know, it's incredible. He took something that was in terrible, terrible shape, and he brought it back from the brink of disaster: The Republican party." -Jay Leno
"Today, by the way, is our president, President Obama's, one-year anniversary in office. I looked it up. Traditionally on the first anniversary, you give paper, so, I got him his birth certificate." -Jimmy Kimmel
"That's pretty amazing, Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Ironically, his biggest accomplishment as president so far: winning the Nobel Peace Prize." --Jay Leno
"The Nobel committee said he won for creating a new climate for international politics. which sounds so much nicer than 'In your face George Bush you cowboy a**hole.'" --Bill Maher
"President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. The committee said they gave it gave it to Obama partly for his idealism and commitment to global cooperation, but mostly for calling Kanye West a jackass." --Conan O'Brien
"Conservatives say the award represents everything they stand against: black people, foreigners, and peace." --Bill Maher
"Obama said he will attend the ceremony in Oslo if he's not too busy with the two wars he's conducting." –Bill Maher
"I thought it was very ironic that he won the Nobel Prize for peace on a day we bombed the moon." --Bill Maher
"President Obama won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize. The Nobel committee said they wanted to recognize the president's fine work in bringing peace to a black professor and a white cop through the strategic use of beer." --Jay Leno
"The President held a press conference tonight in prime time. All the major networks carried it, except Fox. They ran the show 'Lie to Me' instead. Fox is something -- they killed President David Palmer off on '24,' they put his brother, President Wayne Palmer, into a permanent coma and now this. What does Fox have against black Presidents?” --Jimmy Kimmel
“Today marks 100 days of President Obama being in office, which is a big deal because 100 days is when his warranty runs out. We couldn’t return him now even if we wanted to.” --Jimmy Kimmel
"President Barack Obama told his Cabinet yesterday to insure that every taxpayer dollar is spent wisely. But there was one embarrassing moment when he had to explain to the Cabinet what a taxpayer was." --Jay Leno
"President Obama should get a big refund this year because he has a lot of dependents. AIG, Citibank, Morgan Stanley -- all dependents." --Jay Leno
"Barack Obama's daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it'll be cleaned up by future generations." --Jay Leno
"Well, the wait is over. The Obamas have chosen a new White House dog. It is a Portuguese water dog named Bo. Very cute dog. Their first choice was a wheaten terrier, but it was arrested for tax evasion." --Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama made a surprise visit to Iraq this week where he declared it is time for Iraqis to take responsibility for their country. Said Iraqis, 'You guys first.'" --Seth Meyers
"So they gave the Queen an iPod. I remember when British Prime Minister Gordon Brown was here, the Obamas gave him a DVD box set. So, it looks like they're saving the big gift, the Nintendo, for the Pope." --Jay Leno
"As you know by now, the government is now taking an active role in the auto business. President Obama offering hope, change, and 0 percent financing." --Jay Leno
"It's a great day for our president, Barack Obama, who got to meet the Queen of England today. She very regally gave him a photograph of her, and he gave her an iPod! That's quite an unusual gift from the President. Usually he gives out about $150 million." --Craig Ferguson
"President Obama, by the way, is, I think, making his first presidential European trip. And while he's there in Europe, he plans to fire the CEO's of BMW and Volkswagen." --David Letterman
"Big day in Detroit. You may have heard about this. The Obama Administration asked General Motors C.E.O. Rick Wagoner to step down, and he agreed, which is good news for Obama. You know, the last time he tried to get someone to quit, it took months. And even then, he had to promise her a job as Secretary of State." --Jay Leno
"And in a speech in Anchorage, Alaska, Sarah Palin took kind of a cheap shot at her former running mate, John McCain. She said she couldn't find anyone to pray with during the campaign. She's not the only one. Between Jesse Jackson and Reverend Wright, Obama couldn't find anybody to pray with either." --Jay Leno
"Today, President Obama announced he is using his own money to redecorate the White House. Meanwhile, he is using taxpayers' money to redecorate the houses of A.I.G. executives." --Craig Ferguson
"Barack Obama is taking his first overseas trip as president tomorrow. He is headed to the G20 economic summit. And he's been rehearsing his opening line to foreign leaders. 'Hi, I'm not George Bush. Hi, I'm not George Bush.'" --Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama has announced a task force to review the tax codes. He's concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes. And that's just in his administration." --Jay Leno
"How many watched the President's news conference last night? He got a little testy there, you know. When he was asked why he waited three days to speak out against the AIG bonuses, President Obama said he likes to know what he's talking about before he speaks. So, yet another reversal of the Bush policies." --Jay Leno
"Many people are complaining, though, that Obama is becoming too scripted. Last night, he was having an intimate moment with Michelle, and she said, 'Wait, are you reading the teleprompter?'" --Jimmy Fallon
"On '60 Minutes' the other night, if you saw the interview, reporter Steve Croft asked President Obama how he could laugh with all the financial trouble going on. And the President said it's necessary to have a measure of 'gallows humor to get you through the day.' You know why Obama likes gallows humor? It works much better for him than bowling humor." --Jay Leno
"After Barack Obama was on the show Thursday, I got a phone call from Joe Biden going, 'Wow, what was it like to talk to the President?'" --Jay Leno
"Did you see this on '60 Minutes' last night? Michelle Obama is planting a vegetable garden on the White House lawn. You know the economy's bad when the Obamas are afraid of running out of food." --Jimmy Fallon
"This morning, the first lady, Michelle Obama, celebrated spring by breaking ground on a new vegetable garden at the White House. She said she did it to help educate children about healthy, locally-grown food, and to help her own family survive the coming economic apocalypse." --Jimmy Kimmel
"We are very excited to have President Barack Obama on the show tonight. People think it's amazing that the President would take the time to leave Washington, DC, and fly 3,000 miles to come to California. But that happens to a lot of guys when their mother-in-law moves in with them." --Jay Leno
"No wonder Obama has gray hair. That was the big story in the paper yesterday, Obama has gray hair. Wow, now his hair isn't black enough." --Bill Maher
"Barack Obama said he may negotiate with the Taliban. A lot of people are saying okay, but be careful. But I said this guy has experience negotiating with the enemy. For gosh sake, he lives with his mother-in-law, you know." -- David Letterman
"Republicans are attacking Barack Obama because he now wants to negotiate directly with the Taliban. Obama responded, 'Hey, right now I'd rather deal with the Taliban than with Republicans.'" --Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama got some good news today. It seems so many of his cabinet appointees have been forced to pay their back taxes, he now gets a finder's fee from the IRS." --Jay Leno
"Here's some good news. Barack Obama announced he's bringing home troops from Iraq. That's right. Unfortunately, he couldn't get them direct flights home. They have a two-year layover in Afghanistan." --Jimmy Fallon
"During his trip to Ottawa, Canada, President Obama said he was too embarrassed to admit to the Canadians that he'd never actually seen a hockey game. To which the Canadians said, "Oh, don't worry, we've never seen a black guy." --Jay Leno
"How many watched the Obama speech on Tuesday night? If you didn't see it, I'll give you the short version. We're completely broke, and deeply in debt, but we're going to do a bank rescue, universal healthcare, give everybody a college education, have a bigger war in Afghanistan, cut the deficit in half, and cure cancer. We were this close to universal blow jobs." --Bill Maher
"President Obama gave his first State of the Union address to a joint session of Congress tonight. Obama focused on the three most critical things he wants Americans to understand: first, that the economy is in a lot of trouble; second, that the road to recovery won't be easy; and third, that it's all President Bush's fault." --Jimmy Kimmel
SHARE
