You may understand an absent dad is one who has died or left the family due to divorce or inability to maintain a relationship with the mother and is rarely, if ever, participating in the child's life.
A perceived absent dad is a dad that doesn't feel available to the child emotionally, physically or spiritually.
The perceived absent dad is the one this article will focus on.
Many dads would never think of abandoning their children and just don't realize by not being present to their child they are abandoning them.
Children with an absent dad can grow up with the same emotional and behavioral problems as children with a perceived absent dad.
Low self esteem can affect them for their entire life and this can undermine their ability to live at their highest level of achievement.
They develop poor decision making skills and put themselves in dangerous situations such as being abused, dropping out of school or doing drugs.
Children learn what they live and a dad's influence can never be underestimated.
A dad who works all day, comes home and absorbs himself in activities that are all about himself can feel like, to a child, that he is not available.
So can a dad that goes out after work for adult activities and doesn't even see their child before they go to bed.
Even a dad who is doing things to better the family like mowing the yard, making home repairs, cooking, looking up vacation spots on the internet or working on a project for work can create a atmosphere of "don't bother daddy, he's busy".
To the child this means there is no time for me.
The child can feel anger, sorrow, fear or anxiety.
The stories in their head start: "I am not important, I don't matter, I am bad, I don't belong, I am a burden, I am not enough, I am a screw-up, I am not loved, I am invisible, I don't deserve, I am unworthy, I am not wanted, I am not special.
" These become the child's limiting beliefs and these beliefs will stay with them as they grow.
Even a minor non-traumatic event can form a negative file that will be added to over the years.
As you can see, all these beliefs create low self esteem and this type of child becomes an adult who cannot reach their potential.
No amount verbalizing and trying to convince your child that you love and care about them will work to change their negative thoughts and beliefs of themselves.
You have to take action.
You have to model the kind of person you would like them to be.
It is up to you to meet the needs of the child that are deeper than food, water and a roof over their head.
The deeper needs are love bonding and closeness, nurturing, security and trust, protection from harm, positive touch, positive communication, expression of feelings and thoughts, appreciation, joyful play, validation and acknowledgment, and positive separation.
Let's look at how you can meet your child's needs and be the best dad ever to that beautiful child of yours.
First, look into your child's eyes.
A child needs to be truly seen.
They are feeling creatures and are in tune with everyone and everything around them.
If you look into their eyes while speaking or doing activities with them you learn to see how they are feeling or how they are experiencing what is happening right now.
It takes patience, commitment and practice.
It is a simple and profound action that will help to meet the child's need for love bonding, nurturing, validation and trust.
Take time every day to give your child undivided attention.
It's not the amount of time that is so important, it is the quality of the time.
I come from a family with five children close in age and we were usually all doing something as a family.
I remember, as a child, what an exciting feeling it was for my dad to take me somewhere with him without my brothers or sister.
It didn't matter if it was just to the post office or a walk in the woods or to sit in his lap while he played the harmonica for me.
I felt special.
I felt acknowledged.
I felt loved.
I felt safe.
Speak positive and stop criticizing! There was a study done that showed parents use approximately eighteen negative statements for every positive one and these are usually directed towards their child.
So, let's say you said ten positive statement to your child, this means you may have said around 180 negative statements.
Now double or triple those numbers.
Critical communication fuels a child's self criticism and creates anxiousness.
When they are older, and you are no longer around to criticize and berate them, they will have their inner critic take over where you left off.
No wonder depression and low self esteem is rampant.
How about keeping track of your communications for one week? Be curious about how positive or negative your speech is.
By speaking more lovingly you meet your child's need for positive communication and they are more inclined to come to you if they have a problem Incorporate loving touch every day.
Hug them often.
Give a back rub before bed.
Rub lotion on their arms and legs.
Have them sit in your lap while you read a story or let them read a story to you.
An important awareness here is that young children scare easily and they are masters at reading your facial expressions and tone of voice.
If you do this because you think you have to or are just fulfilling an expected task, they will know.
They possibly, and probably, will not be able to verbalize how this makes them feel.
They will begin to act out.
Boys may get angry and be aggressive with hitting and teasing others.
Girls may turn to other men or boys to get attention leading to early promiscuous behavior.
Loving touch from a dad meets the child's needs of positive touch, nurturing and trust.
Do whatever it takes to bubble up laughter between the two of you.
Take your child to a park and play with them.
Sing silly songs with him.
Dance to the music she likes.
Help her make up silly names for her stuffed animals.
Look for opportunities to make your child smile and see the sparkle in their eyes.
Expressions of joy and joyful play create a feeling of closeness with you.
A child will feel lovable, loved, validated and appreciated for their uniqueness.
If Dad thinks I'm great then I must be great! Do the best you can and always be yourself.
Let your child know who you are.
We make mistakes as a parent, all parents do, just do your best.
It will be enough even if you make small changes.
Over time the small changes will add up and one day you will recognize how amazingly close you are with your child and you will see the gifts your child gave you.
You are more loving, more compassionate, more patient, more fulfilled, more forgiving, more tolerant and more you.
It is by making a choice and taking deliberate action to connect with your child you will create a loving and lasting relationship.
The child will not be afraid to come to you when they are afraid.
They will trust you and trust that they are loved.
They will sleep better and make positive friendships.
They will be happy with who they are.
They will be confident as they become adults.
Most of all, they will know they have the best dad in the whole world.
You are not a perceived absent dad, you are one of the most positive influential presences in their life.
A perceived absent dad is a dad that doesn't feel available to the child emotionally, physically or spiritually.
The perceived absent dad is the one this article will focus on.
Many dads would never think of abandoning their children and just don't realize by not being present to their child they are abandoning them.
Children with an absent dad can grow up with the same emotional and behavioral problems as children with a perceived absent dad.
Low self esteem can affect them for their entire life and this can undermine their ability to live at their highest level of achievement.
They develop poor decision making skills and put themselves in dangerous situations such as being abused, dropping out of school or doing drugs.
Children learn what they live and a dad's influence can never be underestimated.
A dad who works all day, comes home and absorbs himself in activities that are all about himself can feel like, to a child, that he is not available.
So can a dad that goes out after work for adult activities and doesn't even see their child before they go to bed.
Even a dad who is doing things to better the family like mowing the yard, making home repairs, cooking, looking up vacation spots on the internet or working on a project for work can create a atmosphere of "don't bother daddy, he's busy".
To the child this means there is no time for me.
The child can feel anger, sorrow, fear or anxiety.
The stories in their head start: "I am not important, I don't matter, I am bad, I don't belong, I am a burden, I am not enough, I am a screw-up, I am not loved, I am invisible, I don't deserve, I am unworthy, I am not wanted, I am not special.
" These become the child's limiting beliefs and these beliefs will stay with them as they grow.
Even a minor non-traumatic event can form a negative file that will be added to over the years.
As you can see, all these beliefs create low self esteem and this type of child becomes an adult who cannot reach their potential.
No amount verbalizing and trying to convince your child that you love and care about them will work to change their negative thoughts and beliefs of themselves.
You have to take action.
You have to model the kind of person you would like them to be.
It is up to you to meet the needs of the child that are deeper than food, water and a roof over their head.
The deeper needs are love bonding and closeness, nurturing, security and trust, protection from harm, positive touch, positive communication, expression of feelings and thoughts, appreciation, joyful play, validation and acknowledgment, and positive separation.
Let's look at how you can meet your child's needs and be the best dad ever to that beautiful child of yours.
First, look into your child's eyes.
A child needs to be truly seen.
They are feeling creatures and are in tune with everyone and everything around them.
If you look into their eyes while speaking or doing activities with them you learn to see how they are feeling or how they are experiencing what is happening right now.
It takes patience, commitment and practice.
It is a simple and profound action that will help to meet the child's need for love bonding, nurturing, validation and trust.
Take time every day to give your child undivided attention.
It's not the amount of time that is so important, it is the quality of the time.
I come from a family with five children close in age and we were usually all doing something as a family.
I remember, as a child, what an exciting feeling it was for my dad to take me somewhere with him without my brothers or sister.
It didn't matter if it was just to the post office or a walk in the woods or to sit in his lap while he played the harmonica for me.
I felt special.
I felt acknowledged.
I felt loved.
I felt safe.
Speak positive and stop criticizing! There was a study done that showed parents use approximately eighteen negative statements for every positive one and these are usually directed towards their child.
So, let's say you said ten positive statement to your child, this means you may have said around 180 negative statements.
Now double or triple those numbers.
Critical communication fuels a child's self criticism and creates anxiousness.
When they are older, and you are no longer around to criticize and berate them, they will have their inner critic take over where you left off.
No wonder depression and low self esteem is rampant.
How about keeping track of your communications for one week? Be curious about how positive or negative your speech is.
By speaking more lovingly you meet your child's need for positive communication and they are more inclined to come to you if they have a problem Incorporate loving touch every day.
Hug them often.
Give a back rub before bed.
Rub lotion on their arms and legs.
Have them sit in your lap while you read a story or let them read a story to you.
An important awareness here is that young children scare easily and they are masters at reading your facial expressions and tone of voice.
If you do this because you think you have to or are just fulfilling an expected task, they will know.
They possibly, and probably, will not be able to verbalize how this makes them feel.
They will begin to act out.
Boys may get angry and be aggressive with hitting and teasing others.
Girls may turn to other men or boys to get attention leading to early promiscuous behavior.
Loving touch from a dad meets the child's needs of positive touch, nurturing and trust.
Do whatever it takes to bubble up laughter between the two of you.
Take your child to a park and play with them.
Sing silly songs with him.
Dance to the music she likes.
Help her make up silly names for her stuffed animals.
Look for opportunities to make your child smile and see the sparkle in their eyes.
Expressions of joy and joyful play create a feeling of closeness with you.
A child will feel lovable, loved, validated and appreciated for their uniqueness.
If Dad thinks I'm great then I must be great! Do the best you can and always be yourself.
Let your child know who you are.
We make mistakes as a parent, all parents do, just do your best.
It will be enough even if you make small changes.
Over time the small changes will add up and one day you will recognize how amazingly close you are with your child and you will see the gifts your child gave you.
You are more loving, more compassionate, more patient, more fulfilled, more forgiving, more tolerant and more you.
It is by making a choice and taking deliberate action to connect with your child you will create a loving and lasting relationship.
The child will not be afraid to come to you when they are afraid.
They will trust you and trust that they are loved.
They will sleep better and make positive friendships.
They will be happy with who they are.
They will be confident as they become adults.
Most of all, they will know they have the best dad in the whole world.
You are not a perceived absent dad, you are one of the most positive influential presences in their life.
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