"It's been nine months since I became aware of the affair," Joan said. "Our progress towards affair recovery has been good, but coping with the memory of the whole sordid affair has been difficult."
From the time when we weren't seeing eye to eye about many things in our marriage to the period when Edward was having the affair, I continue to be haunted by the memories. I just want to get rid of these memories. Isn't there some way to hit the 'delete' button so I can be free of them?"
You may be feeling like Joan, having a hard time surviving the worst time in your marriage. Be encouraged by the fact that you are reading this. As bad as it was, or still is, you are surviving. But getting through a period of turbulence can leave you constantly thinking and re-thinking, sifting through and analyzing all the facts, and filling in the blanks with conjecture. In this article I will guide your awareness of memories charged by emotion, and provide you with three steps that will help you better handle upsetting memories.
We are continually forming memories as we experience life, process events, deal with situations, and interact with people who touch our lives. Our distinctive, personal opinions are built on these memories. Thinking back over your life, do you have memories of events that are associated with every imaginable emotion, both good and bad? Your brain has processed and categorized those memories
according to their individual meaning to you. Regardless of how those events have been experienced and processed, those memories and the associated thoughts and feelings are yours personally.
Most of us don't remember what we had for dinner last Tuesday because it didn't have an emotional impact. Longer-term memories usually stick because they have tugged in some way at your emotions. And when it comes to a bad time in your marriage, or worse, learning that your spouse has had an affair, some very powerful, negative emotions are created in relationship to those memories. Just because your brain processed and stored a memory doesn't mean it's gone forever. Sometimes memories will come forward just when you thought you were over them. You find yourself looking at and revisiting some of those
attached emotions, again and again.
When you are bothered by your memories playing over and over in your head, there are ways to change your thinking so the memories lose their emotional impact. You can also learn to cope with them. You can
start to fight back against those bothersome memories when you begin thinking that you will accept that which you cannot change. Events happen in everyone's life: some good, some bad. However, it is important to remember that events that have happened in the past, are just that, in the past. When an unpleasant memory comes forward, here's a way for you to better cope with it:
Step 1: Don't avoid the memory.
Let the memory surface. Your normal response would typically be to reject the memory. Sometimes this works, and sometimes it doesn't, depending how you fight the memory. Take a different angle by allowing it to come forward without resistance.
Step 2: Evaluate the memory.
Decide what it is you're feeling about the memory. Are you angry, sad, unconcerned, glad? You may be surprised to find that through this exercise, the reaction you have toward the memory may begin to
change. The idea is to loosen its powerful grip on your emotions, allowing your reaction to weaken in intensity.
Step 3: Control the outcome.
Allow yourself to accept what is and what was. You can tell yourself things like: "The affair happened, I am devastated by it, and I will be okay. I lived lived through it." Or, "Lots of people have gone through worse than I have and overcame it. I am going to do it too."
From the time when we weren't seeing eye to eye about many things in our marriage to the period when Edward was having the affair, I continue to be haunted by the memories. I just want to get rid of these memories. Isn't there some way to hit the 'delete' button so I can be free of them?"
You may be feeling like Joan, having a hard time surviving the worst time in your marriage. Be encouraged by the fact that you are reading this. As bad as it was, or still is, you are surviving. But getting through a period of turbulence can leave you constantly thinking and re-thinking, sifting through and analyzing all the facts, and filling in the blanks with conjecture. In this article I will guide your awareness of memories charged by emotion, and provide you with three steps that will help you better handle upsetting memories.
We are continually forming memories as we experience life, process events, deal with situations, and interact with people who touch our lives. Our distinctive, personal opinions are built on these memories. Thinking back over your life, do you have memories of events that are associated with every imaginable emotion, both good and bad? Your brain has processed and categorized those memories
according to their individual meaning to you. Regardless of how those events have been experienced and processed, those memories and the associated thoughts and feelings are yours personally.
Most of us don't remember what we had for dinner last Tuesday because it didn't have an emotional impact. Longer-term memories usually stick because they have tugged in some way at your emotions. And when it comes to a bad time in your marriage, or worse, learning that your spouse has had an affair, some very powerful, negative emotions are created in relationship to those memories. Just because your brain processed and stored a memory doesn't mean it's gone forever. Sometimes memories will come forward just when you thought you were over them. You find yourself looking at and revisiting some of those
attached emotions, again and again.
When you are bothered by your memories playing over and over in your head, there are ways to change your thinking so the memories lose their emotional impact. You can also learn to cope with them. You can
start to fight back against those bothersome memories when you begin thinking that you will accept that which you cannot change. Events happen in everyone's life: some good, some bad. However, it is important to remember that events that have happened in the past, are just that, in the past. When an unpleasant memory comes forward, here's a way for you to better cope with it:
Step 1: Don't avoid the memory.
Let the memory surface. Your normal response would typically be to reject the memory. Sometimes this works, and sometimes it doesn't, depending how you fight the memory. Take a different angle by allowing it to come forward without resistance.
Step 2: Evaluate the memory.
Decide what it is you're feeling about the memory. Are you angry, sad, unconcerned, glad? You may be surprised to find that through this exercise, the reaction you have toward the memory may begin to
change. The idea is to loosen its powerful grip on your emotions, allowing your reaction to weaken in intensity.
Step 3: Control the outcome.
Allow yourself to accept what is and what was. You can tell yourself things like: "The affair happened, I am devastated by it, and I will be okay. I lived lived through it." Or, "Lots of people have gone through worse than I have and overcame it. I am going to do it too."
SHARE
