Greetings, Readers!

Presenting “Kaydee’s Sassy Soap Corner: The Musical”. Yes, readers I said The Musical. This week, the column will cover two weeks of shows. We will begin our tour with a song about the Loonview idiots that I have written to the tune of the song, “My Favorite Things”. We have made copies of the lyrics to make it easy to sing along. Welcome my Guest reader Tour Assistant Sandi C.

And now, without further hesitation, I present our opening act. Sing it with me now!

“Kaydee’s Loonview Song”

This week we will focus on the word “survival”
We viewers will need Kaydee’s kit for revival
From fainting or banging our heads on our screens
Reacting to all of Loonview’s crazy things

The writers have piled on ridiculous fictions
We viewers have suffered through various missions
Of wishing that Clint would be tied up in string
While “Off to the prison with you!” we all sing

Echo baits Charlie to steal him from Viki
If she goes any further, she just may meet Niki
While Dorian cheers from the sidelines, she swings
Now Echo and Charlie are OUT..DING, DING, DING!

Bobby and Tess are simply un-amusing
Why are Aubrey and Cutter still here? It’s confusing
Let Todd, John and Marty just fall off a swing
These are a few of our favorite things…”

ALL ABOARD!

Thank you! Thank You! I’ll be here all week. What the HECK?? The idiocy level in Loonview has soared to a dangerous level. I don’t even know where to begin!

So perhaps I can use the lyrics in the song as an outline.

LOONVIEW LAW & ORDER: BABY DADDIES FIASCO

There’s a reason why DNA results are not to be TAMPERED WITH!!!! Loonview is one hot mess right now. Brody and Langston are running all over town, chasing an idiot and an imaginary psychopath, Detective John McBain is running all over town getting plastered and chasing Kelly, Viki is running around town chasing Tess, Ford is acting like he can just kidnap babies because a DNA test proves that he got the girl he raped pregnant.

First off, has anyone stopped to say: “What the hell are two of the key star players of the Loonview PD doing bending the laws for personal reasons?” At least the Commissioner’s personal venture is actually BASED on a crime. Mayor Lord needs to act mayoral and put an end to this madness.

Langston is being written off the show, so naturally we viewers are forced to stomach the usual crazy changes that come with that territory. First, has anyone else found the compelling need to overdose on Pepcids watching Ford with the baby? In what world does this entire scenario exist? Here’s the classic womanizer, who is only a father because….he took advantage of a mentally ill person. Next, the only reason why he’s able to HOLD the baby now is because that same mentally ill person kidnapped the baby to embark upon an illegal venture. Suddenly, he’s not only quivering with paternal instincts, but he wants to be a daddy NOW! PUHLEEZE!!!!! What happened to progressive transition? Wouldn’t it have been more sensible and believable to have Ford slowly and steadily CONTINUE his metamorphosis from pig to human, rather than abbreviate the process just as we viewers were SLOWLY giving this character the time of day?

It’s believable that he fell for Langston enough that he wants to be exclusive. It’s even believable that he wants to be in his son’s life. It is NOT believable that he wants it so badly that he would trash his relationship with Langston, challenge Viki, and rustle Clint’s feathers to get a baby NO COURT would give him custody of anyway. And then there’s this…Ford boldly marched up to Llanfair to stake his claim as Ryder’s father. Then, he practically dared Viki and all to try and take his son, now that he’s married to big, bad Tess. LOL! Okay, THEN, he planned it all out in his little head to eliminate Tess by shipping her off to the psych ward, and he and Langston would live happily ever after…WHAT??? Didn’t anyone tell that little boy that he’s not allowed to play with grown-ups? Robert Ford is WAYYYY out of his league with not only Dissociative Identity Disorder, but with TESS!! Case in point…she was WAYY ahead of him from the night before!! If he can’t cover his own hide, how the heck is he going to cover raising a child? Idiot.

Loonview Law & Order-Pt.2: Rescue Mission

My heart goes out to both Bo and Rex. What more can either of these men take? While Bo has every reason to be ticked off with Rex at this moment, I am certainly glad to see that the main focus of finding David is the controlling factor for Bo. He may not know it yet, but he actually needs to tap IN to the magic of that special bond he and Rex share far more than he needs to reject it. Rex is the perfect shoulder to have in this mission, and Rex has certainly come a looooong way from the gold-digging swine he once was. Both these men will need their relationship to be intact and impenetrable when all of these disasters come to an end. Rex isn’t aware of his own son’s dilemma, and when it comes to light, he will need Bo. There is one wonderful thing that will come out of Shane’s bullying…Rex will SLAM ECHO when he finds out that she knew about it for weeks, but put it on the back burner while she tries to snare Charlie.

John is a complete jerk, and Kelly and Joey are slowly switching personalities. Joey seems to be gaining some sense, while Kelly is losing her damned mind. If only Joey would actually finish the things he starts, he might actually get the epiphany he needs on more than just his floozy of a non-wife. I say non-wife, because I believe she and Cutter are married..which once again has us all scratching our heads as to how these dumb characters believe they’re going to get away with deliberately breaking the law. Polygamy died in the days of Christ.