Signs You Are Depressed

You know you're depressed when:

You think you're worth no more than a penny.
You beat yourself up at every opportunity.
Your perception of the world is stained with black ink.
First dots, then splatters until only darkness remains.
The corners of your mouth start to curl down instead of up, giving you the perpetual look of a bulldog.
Your brain turns to mush.
In your mind, 8 x 7 = 65.
You quit all your hobbies and take up doing nothing instead.
You sleep through your weekends to make time go faster.
You secretly hope you'll wake up when you've seventy when you're closer to the end of your life.
You feel like you're chained to your bed till death do you part.
You finally understand the concept of inertia, which they had tried in vain to explain to you in high school physics.
You move in bullet time minus the flying bullets and daggers.
Sex, should it ever happen, becomes as tedious a chore as unclogging the toilet.
You forget when you showered last.
You can't even tell you have BO.
Your laundry pile rivals Mount Kilimanjaro.
Your bedroom looks like the aftermath of a category five hurricane.
You no longer emit the explosive, cackling sounds from your throat that people use to express amusement.
Even pushing farts out of you becomes too tedious a task (and to think that you used to take so much pleasure in this).
You can't remember what life was like before you were depressed.
You don't really care to know.
You feel nothing at all.
You look in the mirror and a ghastly zombie is staring back at you.
You compulsively watch horror films.
The sight of blood, gore and death gives you an adrenaline rush and temporarily makes you feel alive again.
You're convinced that you're in purgatory and that you're headed to hell.
Instead of daydreaming about the storybook wedding you know you'll never have, you picture your funeral service and burial ceremony and already mourn your death.