I don't think you'll find many people who will say that honesty isn't important.
We all know that it is.
Did you ever consider that there are different levels of honesty though? Sure, there's lying to keep a surprise party from being found out, there's being creative with the truth in order to preserve honesty while also being kind, and there's withholding the truth in situations where the listener doesn't have the skills and resources to handle it, and you want to avoid drama - in that case I like to use the word "discernment" with regard to what gets shared.
How about matching how you feel and what you think with your actions? As adults we can sometimes manage to juggle those things and get by in our relationships.
But have you ever been in a relationship where you sensed that the other person wasn't telling you everything? Or sensed that they were angry or upset but said they were fine? It can be very disorienting.
You begin to question if your instincts and sensing are off, or if you're being lied to.
If you're being lied to, you have to ask why? Is there something that person doesn't trust about how you'll react? If it's true that they are "fine" then what's going on for you that projects a feeling of upset onto them? Do you see how crazy-making it can be? How does this relate to babies? Well, babies operate on an emotional level.
They hear and often understand words and actions, but they are primarily attuned to feelings.
For them those three things are what they pay attention to in order to orient to their world.
If you are upset, but put on a happy face for your baby and "fake it" they will sense this, just as you might with a partner.
Rather than protecting an infant from the truth of your distress, instead you may inadvertently cause confusion, bewilderment and a feeling of not being safe.
Babies rely on the alignment of your feelings and actions.
Just think how much more solid the ground feels when your partner is honest, "I'm upset about work today and questioning if it's the right job.
I'm worried that you will not support me, but I want you to know that my upset has nothing to do with you, or us.
" It's not crazy-making, you know where you stand and above all, your instincts and sensing is validated, helping you know to trust yourself.
Babies learn the same thing from you.
So how can you be more aligned with your feelings and words with a baby? First, be honest with yourself as much as you can...
learn to become aware of how you're feeling, what emotions are alive in you, what physical sensations you maybe reacting to.
Next, as much as you can, be "in integrity" with how you feel.
This means have your insides match up with your outsides - if your heart is frustrated, don't make your face look happy when it might need a furrowed brow.
If you are upset, be honest with your baby in words about why, "I am frustrated because I'm so tired, and when I get tired I need to sleep, and I wish I was able to take a nap!" But also reassure, "I'm frustrated but also love you and am willing to care for you.
My upset is because I'm tired, it's not about YOU, I love you!" By connecting with how you feel, matching up your words with that, and offering reassurance, you can provide a safe world for your baby to learn to trust herself, and you.
It also works between adults! Are there ways you are not honest with yourself and living out of alignment?
We all know that it is.
Did you ever consider that there are different levels of honesty though? Sure, there's lying to keep a surprise party from being found out, there's being creative with the truth in order to preserve honesty while also being kind, and there's withholding the truth in situations where the listener doesn't have the skills and resources to handle it, and you want to avoid drama - in that case I like to use the word "discernment" with regard to what gets shared.
How about matching how you feel and what you think with your actions? As adults we can sometimes manage to juggle those things and get by in our relationships.
But have you ever been in a relationship where you sensed that the other person wasn't telling you everything? Or sensed that they were angry or upset but said they were fine? It can be very disorienting.
You begin to question if your instincts and sensing are off, or if you're being lied to.
If you're being lied to, you have to ask why? Is there something that person doesn't trust about how you'll react? If it's true that they are "fine" then what's going on for you that projects a feeling of upset onto them? Do you see how crazy-making it can be? How does this relate to babies? Well, babies operate on an emotional level.
They hear and often understand words and actions, but they are primarily attuned to feelings.
For them those three things are what they pay attention to in order to orient to their world.
If you are upset, but put on a happy face for your baby and "fake it" they will sense this, just as you might with a partner.
Rather than protecting an infant from the truth of your distress, instead you may inadvertently cause confusion, bewilderment and a feeling of not being safe.
Babies rely on the alignment of your feelings and actions.
Just think how much more solid the ground feels when your partner is honest, "I'm upset about work today and questioning if it's the right job.
I'm worried that you will not support me, but I want you to know that my upset has nothing to do with you, or us.
" It's not crazy-making, you know where you stand and above all, your instincts and sensing is validated, helping you know to trust yourself.
Babies learn the same thing from you.
So how can you be more aligned with your feelings and words with a baby? First, be honest with yourself as much as you can...
learn to become aware of how you're feeling, what emotions are alive in you, what physical sensations you maybe reacting to.
Next, as much as you can, be "in integrity" with how you feel.
This means have your insides match up with your outsides - if your heart is frustrated, don't make your face look happy when it might need a furrowed brow.
If you are upset, be honest with your baby in words about why, "I am frustrated because I'm so tired, and when I get tired I need to sleep, and I wish I was able to take a nap!" But also reassure, "I'm frustrated but also love you and am willing to care for you.
My upset is because I'm tired, it's not about YOU, I love you!" By connecting with how you feel, matching up your words with that, and offering reassurance, you can provide a safe world for your baby to learn to trust herself, and you.
It also works between adults! Are there ways you are not honest with yourself and living out of alignment?
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