I just finished reading Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch, Ph.
D.
A brilliant book, full of so many insights I could probably write about it for months.
The essence of his work is about finding and holding onto yourself while you're still in the committed relationship, allowing your partner to do the same, and using sex as the crucible in which you each learn how to love yourselves more deeply.
He repeatedly says that nobody's ready for marriage; marriage itself makes us ready.
He also says that "Loving is not for the weak, nor for the faint of heart.
That's why there's so little of it in the world.
Love requires being steadfast through many difficulties.
If our society ever tolerates a realistic view of marriage, we will be less cavalier about encouraging people to love and want each other.
" What we call love is usually two people who are emotionally fused to one another.
They depend on each other for their self-esteem, and can't conceive of a self-image outside of the relationship.
When we depend on another person for validation, it always leaves us off balance.
That creates vulnerability, and anger at the vulnerability.
Sexual dysfunction usually arises, because eroticism exists in the space between two people.
When a couple is emotionally fused, there's no space between them.
Sex becomes routine or nonexistent, and often becomes the starting point for arguments.
Real love involves hanging onto your sense of self, or finding it and grabbing it for the first time, while agreeing to be in a relationship with someone else.
This process, called differentiation or individuation, teaches you who you really are.
It invites you to look at the good, the bad and the ugly, and to accept all of it.
It teaches you how to honor both your masculine and feminine essences and how to stand in your power.
In other words, real love teaches you how to love yourself first, then how to relate with your partner as he is also learning to love himself.
This kind of self-reflection can be frightening.
Marriages dissolve when both partners aren't willing to put themselves in the crucible of self discovery.
Marriages also dissolve when neither partner is willing to do the work.
Occasionally, marriages will still dissolve when both partners do the work and discover they're just not meant for each other; if that happens, they're much more likely to part as friends.
Although this process of discovering real love is not for the faint of heart, it is an incredible journey.
You need a guide, someone who's done the work and can lead you in the right direction.
And you need to remember to be gentle with yourself.
You ARE worthy of real love.
D.
A brilliant book, full of so many insights I could probably write about it for months.
The essence of his work is about finding and holding onto yourself while you're still in the committed relationship, allowing your partner to do the same, and using sex as the crucible in which you each learn how to love yourselves more deeply.
He repeatedly says that nobody's ready for marriage; marriage itself makes us ready.
He also says that "Loving is not for the weak, nor for the faint of heart.
That's why there's so little of it in the world.
Love requires being steadfast through many difficulties.
If our society ever tolerates a realistic view of marriage, we will be less cavalier about encouraging people to love and want each other.
" What we call love is usually two people who are emotionally fused to one another.
They depend on each other for their self-esteem, and can't conceive of a self-image outside of the relationship.
When we depend on another person for validation, it always leaves us off balance.
That creates vulnerability, and anger at the vulnerability.
Sexual dysfunction usually arises, because eroticism exists in the space between two people.
When a couple is emotionally fused, there's no space between them.
Sex becomes routine or nonexistent, and often becomes the starting point for arguments.
Real love involves hanging onto your sense of self, or finding it and grabbing it for the first time, while agreeing to be in a relationship with someone else.
This process, called differentiation or individuation, teaches you who you really are.
It invites you to look at the good, the bad and the ugly, and to accept all of it.
It teaches you how to honor both your masculine and feminine essences and how to stand in your power.
In other words, real love teaches you how to love yourself first, then how to relate with your partner as he is also learning to love himself.
This kind of self-reflection can be frightening.
Marriages dissolve when both partners aren't willing to put themselves in the crucible of self discovery.
Marriages also dissolve when neither partner is willing to do the work.
Occasionally, marriages will still dissolve when both partners do the work and discover they're just not meant for each other; if that happens, they're much more likely to part as friends.
Although this process of discovering real love is not for the faint of heart, it is an incredible journey.
You need a guide, someone who's done the work and can lead you in the right direction.
And you need to remember to be gentle with yourself.
You ARE worthy of real love.
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