I've been thinking a lot about love.
where I work I see couples all of the time who have decided they are in love enough to to get married, or at least they think they are in love enough to get married.
I'm no psychiatrist or marriage counselor so I have only my own life experiences to draw from.
So of course, just from my own perspective here goes.
The views we take into adulthood on love, marriage, forever and ever has a lot to do with our childhood.
If you come from an intact family you are more likely to create an intact family.
If you were raised by a single Mom you are more likely to be a single Mom.
A persons perception of Men and Woman come from our first experiences with them, namely Mom and Dad, or the lack there of.
If these experiences are positive then we will most likely find positive in our own lives and relationships, if these experiences are not positive, we will most likely not; or will not with out a lot of hard work and introspection.
When we are young and in love, especially during the teenage years, we likely experience romantic love as the most important thing in our life.
And with no rhyme or reason we become fully immersed.
Especially if we don't have the kind of back round that gives us a big enough sense of self.
In that case, it is even easier to see another person as the solver of our world, as if we belief that with this one person, the rest of our life, (the next 50 or 60 years) will be idyllic.
Of course it is easy to have such notions with no thought of mortgages, electric bills or car payments to interfere with the fantasy.
To a teenager in love what else matters? Ever talk to one of these love struck creatures or perhaps you remember being one yourself.
Phrases like I can't go on without him/her, I'd rather die then be with out him/her.
are everyday speak.
This is unfortunately the time in life when sometimes huge, life altering mistakes are made.
The baby born with the "I'll love him forever," guy who isn't a "forever" guy at all is a typical example.
I work with 20 somethings and for the most part their version of love starts with sex, hoping something lasting will come later.
When they don't get to the "later," they can't understand why.
When we are young we may foolishly walk away from what we should have hung on to and we may hang on to what we should have walked away from.
We have neither the life experience, or common sense to see the future realities of our own emotions, circumstances or choices.
In the past few years and months I have had cause to give a lot of thought to young love, old love and everything in between.
And I have, (now that I'm at least half way through life) come to what I believe separates happy marriages from unhappy marriages or marriages that make it at all.
What I believe it all comes down to one thing, and that is emotional connection.
It is the feeling, after the initial infatuation, that you are not in this alone.
The "this" being life.
It is the feeling that gives us the security that some one else shares our world.
They don't dictates our world and they don't just inhabit the space in our world, but they share it.
It is this emotional connection that reassures us that no matter what happens we have someone, as if that person hears our heart.
So we know that even if we are not always understood, we are always cherished.
And just as a phone connection with no one on the other end is no connection at all so it is with Emotional connection.
It has to be a 2 way street.
Both people have to feel that emotional connection in order for it to really exist at all.
In the marriage vows it may say, "in sickness and in health", "In good times and in bad".
But I have never heard of anyone saying, "The diagnosis is cancer, I want a divorce.
It isn't sickness, and usually isn't bad times that kill a marriage unless the people emotionally disconnect because of it.
When there is an emotional disconnect between 2 people in love.
it is as if a cable line has gone down, you can no longer emotionally hear, feel or see the person on the other end.
nor they you.
We've all had friends with whom we feel especially close.
They are more then coworkers or people who play baseball on the same team as we do.
Instead they are the person or people we feel emotionally connected to.
The feeling is not something easily described but the people involved know it is there.
It's where best friends come from.
In a life time we may be blessed enough to have one or two such friends in our lives.
Sometimes those friendship connections last a lifetime and sometimes they do not.
The person you call when things go good or when things go bad and who call you, that is emotional connection.
Connection is not necessarily about agreeing on a presidential election , Obama or McCain? it isn't about religious preferences or economic situations, though all of these things may make forming that emotional connection easier.
But it is more about inner feelings, about an inner connection.
As if a part of your heart and soul have connected.
In romantic relationships sometimes we find emotional connection young but may not really understand it until later.
Sometimes emotional connection disintegrates as we mature.
When we marry, if that connection is nonexistent or ends we are left with no idea how we ever thought this person was the right one for us in the first place.
Sometimes connection in marriage seems to go at a time of stress in life, only to return stronger then ever.
Sometimes all the waiting in the world won't make it return.
It seems, sadly, that there are people who can't emotionally connect.
Maybe do to their past experiences or there psyche.
For those people it seems to be mostly a matter of fear, least they give to much of themselves away.
I believe if a marriage is to be, not only lasting but happy that emotional connection must be there.
With out it, every little decision between the couple, every life experience becomes, if not antagonistic at least indifferent.
Living with that disconnect in every day life is like being adrift on a raft in an ocean.
Treading water and staying afloat seem to be the best you can hope for.
Sometimes we feel connection through circumstance.
The single dad who is struggling to raise a child alone may feel great connection to the woman he dates, who is kind to his child and takes some of the responsibility off of him.
But will that connection become the lasting emotional, internal type of connection that lasts? Only time will tell.
Some connections seem to be fueled out of need only to become a stronger emotional bond and sometimes that connection serves its purpose and disintegrates It seems as though when 2 people are truly connected nothing pulls them apart, not arguments, not stress because they both cherish and care equally for each others happiness.
When there is no real emotional connection everything pulls the relationship apart.
This connection, the gift of hearing another persons heart and they yours, this oneness is what I think the word soul mate is all about.
And just has you can have a friend that isn't your best friend so you can love someone who is not your soul mate.
So the next time you see an 80 year old couple, who have been married 50 years still holding hands, take note, that kind of lasting emotional connection is very hard to come by! Marilee Knapik
where I work I see couples all of the time who have decided they are in love enough to to get married, or at least they think they are in love enough to get married.
I'm no psychiatrist or marriage counselor so I have only my own life experiences to draw from.
So of course, just from my own perspective here goes.
The views we take into adulthood on love, marriage, forever and ever has a lot to do with our childhood.
If you come from an intact family you are more likely to create an intact family.
If you were raised by a single Mom you are more likely to be a single Mom.
A persons perception of Men and Woman come from our first experiences with them, namely Mom and Dad, or the lack there of.
If these experiences are positive then we will most likely find positive in our own lives and relationships, if these experiences are not positive, we will most likely not; or will not with out a lot of hard work and introspection.
When we are young and in love, especially during the teenage years, we likely experience romantic love as the most important thing in our life.
And with no rhyme or reason we become fully immersed.
Especially if we don't have the kind of back round that gives us a big enough sense of self.
In that case, it is even easier to see another person as the solver of our world, as if we belief that with this one person, the rest of our life, (the next 50 or 60 years) will be idyllic.
Of course it is easy to have such notions with no thought of mortgages, electric bills or car payments to interfere with the fantasy.
To a teenager in love what else matters? Ever talk to one of these love struck creatures or perhaps you remember being one yourself.
Phrases like I can't go on without him/her, I'd rather die then be with out him/her.
are everyday speak.
This is unfortunately the time in life when sometimes huge, life altering mistakes are made.
The baby born with the "I'll love him forever," guy who isn't a "forever" guy at all is a typical example.
I work with 20 somethings and for the most part their version of love starts with sex, hoping something lasting will come later.
When they don't get to the "later," they can't understand why.
When we are young we may foolishly walk away from what we should have hung on to and we may hang on to what we should have walked away from.
We have neither the life experience, or common sense to see the future realities of our own emotions, circumstances or choices.
In the past few years and months I have had cause to give a lot of thought to young love, old love and everything in between.
And I have, (now that I'm at least half way through life) come to what I believe separates happy marriages from unhappy marriages or marriages that make it at all.
What I believe it all comes down to one thing, and that is emotional connection.
It is the feeling, after the initial infatuation, that you are not in this alone.
The "this" being life.
It is the feeling that gives us the security that some one else shares our world.
They don't dictates our world and they don't just inhabit the space in our world, but they share it.
It is this emotional connection that reassures us that no matter what happens we have someone, as if that person hears our heart.
So we know that even if we are not always understood, we are always cherished.
And just as a phone connection with no one on the other end is no connection at all so it is with Emotional connection.
It has to be a 2 way street.
Both people have to feel that emotional connection in order for it to really exist at all.
In the marriage vows it may say, "in sickness and in health", "In good times and in bad".
But I have never heard of anyone saying, "The diagnosis is cancer, I want a divorce.
It isn't sickness, and usually isn't bad times that kill a marriage unless the people emotionally disconnect because of it.
When there is an emotional disconnect between 2 people in love.
it is as if a cable line has gone down, you can no longer emotionally hear, feel or see the person on the other end.
nor they you.
We've all had friends with whom we feel especially close.
They are more then coworkers or people who play baseball on the same team as we do.
Instead they are the person or people we feel emotionally connected to.
The feeling is not something easily described but the people involved know it is there.
It's where best friends come from.
In a life time we may be blessed enough to have one or two such friends in our lives.
Sometimes those friendship connections last a lifetime and sometimes they do not.
The person you call when things go good or when things go bad and who call you, that is emotional connection.
Connection is not necessarily about agreeing on a presidential election , Obama or McCain? it isn't about religious preferences or economic situations, though all of these things may make forming that emotional connection easier.
But it is more about inner feelings, about an inner connection.
As if a part of your heart and soul have connected.
In romantic relationships sometimes we find emotional connection young but may not really understand it until later.
Sometimes emotional connection disintegrates as we mature.
When we marry, if that connection is nonexistent or ends we are left with no idea how we ever thought this person was the right one for us in the first place.
Sometimes connection in marriage seems to go at a time of stress in life, only to return stronger then ever.
Sometimes all the waiting in the world won't make it return.
It seems, sadly, that there are people who can't emotionally connect.
Maybe do to their past experiences or there psyche.
For those people it seems to be mostly a matter of fear, least they give to much of themselves away.
I believe if a marriage is to be, not only lasting but happy that emotional connection must be there.
With out it, every little decision between the couple, every life experience becomes, if not antagonistic at least indifferent.
Living with that disconnect in every day life is like being adrift on a raft in an ocean.
Treading water and staying afloat seem to be the best you can hope for.
Sometimes we feel connection through circumstance.
The single dad who is struggling to raise a child alone may feel great connection to the woman he dates, who is kind to his child and takes some of the responsibility off of him.
But will that connection become the lasting emotional, internal type of connection that lasts? Only time will tell.
Some connections seem to be fueled out of need only to become a stronger emotional bond and sometimes that connection serves its purpose and disintegrates It seems as though when 2 people are truly connected nothing pulls them apart, not arguments, not stress because they both cherish and care equally for each others happiness.
When there is no real emotional connection everything pulls the relationship apart.
This connection, the gift of hearing another persons heart and they yours, this oneness is what I think the word soul mate is all about.
And just has you can have a friend that isn't your best friend so you can love someone who is not your soul mate.
So the next time you see an 80 year old couple, who have been married 50 years still holding hands, take note, that kind of lasting emotional connection is very hard to come by! Marilee Knapik
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