1.Did you hear about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw?
Did you hear about the deaf shepherd who gathered his flock and heard (herd)?
If you don't understand these, use your dictionary and look up the words "blind," "deaf," "saw," "heard" and "herd."
2.A teacher is talking to a student.
Teacher: Did your father help you with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.
On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed.
"What's the matter? Are you sick?"
"No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see an old lady standing."
3. A man was complaining to a railroad engineer.
What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.
The railroad engineer replied.
How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?
4. A: "I was born in California."
B: "Which part?"
A: "All of me."
5. A: "Excuse me. Do you know the way to the zoo?"
B: "No, I'm sorry I don't."
A: "Well, it's two blocks this way, then one block to the left."
6. A: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?
B: I think you are pretty ugly.
Insulting someone is often considered funny, especially when that person is fishing for a complement.
NOTE: pretty ugly = very ugly
7. Q: What does a ghost eat for dessert?
A: I scream. (Ice cream)
Q: Where does a ghost mail his letters?
A: At the ghost office. (Post office)
Q: What did the ghost mail home while on vacation?
A: Ghostcards. (Post cards)
Q: What amusement park ride does a ghost like best?
A: The roller ghoster. (Roller coaster)
Q: What do you say to a ghost with three heads?
A: Hello, hello, hello.
Q: What's the difference between a ghost and a butcher?
A: One stays awake and the other weighs a steak.
8. monk = a religious man who spends much time praying and thinking about religion.
monastery = a place where monks live.
a vow of silence = a promise not to speak
A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the head monk.
The head monk said, "You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years."
The man agreed and after the first 3 years, the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?"
"Food cold!" the man replied.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said "What are your two words?"
"Robe dirty!" the man exclaimed.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?"
"I quit!" said the man.
"Well," the head monk replied, "I am not surprised. You have done nothing but complain ever since you got here!"
9. The mother says to her daughter, "Did you enjoy your first at school?"
The daughter answers, "First day? Do you mean I have to go back again tomorrow?"
10. Principal: "I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all of your teachers. What have you been doing?"
Johnny: "Nothing, sir."
Principal: "Exactly!"
Did you hear about the deaf shepherd who gathered his flock and heard (herd)?
If you don't understand these, use your dictionary and look up the words "blind," "deaf," "saw," "heard" and "herd."
2.A teacher is talking to a student.
Teacher: Did your father help you with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.
On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed.
"What's the matter? Are you sick?"
"No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see an old lady standing."
3. A man was complaining to a railroad engineer.
What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.
The railroad engineer replied.
How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?
4. A: "I was born in California."
B: "Which part?"
A: "All of me."
5. A: "Excuse me. Do you know the way to the zoo?"
B: "No, I'm sorry I don't."
A: "Well, it's two blocks this way, then one block to the left."
6. A: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?
B: I think you are pretty ugly.
Insulting someone is often considered funny, especially when that person is fishing for a complement.
NOTE: pretty ugly = very ugly
7. Q: What does a ghost eat for dessert?
A: I scream. (Ice cream)
Q: Where does a ghost mail his letters?
A: At the ghost office. (Post office)
Q: What did the ghost mail home while on vacation?
A: Ghostcards. (Post cards)
Q: What amusement park ride does a ghost like best?
A: The roller ghoster. (Roller coaster)
Q: What do you say to a ghost with three heads?
A: Hello, hello, hello.
Q: What's the difference between a ghost and a butcher?
A: One stays awake and the other weighs a steak.
8. monk = a religious man who spends much time praying and thinking about religion.
monastery = a place where monks live.
a vow of silence = a promise not to speak
A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the head monk.
The head monk said, "You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years."
The man agreed and after the first 3 years, the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?"
"Food cold!" the man replied.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said "What are your two words?"
"Robe dirty!" the man exclaimed.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?"
"I quit!" said the man.
"Well," the head monk replied, "I am not surprised. You have done nothing but complain ever since you got here!"
9. The mother says to her daughter, "Did you enjoy your first at school?"
The daughter answers, "First day? Do you mean I have to go back again tomorrow?"
10. Principal: "I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all of your teachers. What have you been doing?"
Johnny: "Nothing, sir."
Principal: "Exactly!"
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