Many years ago, I worked with a blended family that was having its share of struggles.  Communication challenges, differences in discipline approaches and a teenage son who was not thrilled with his mom’s choice of a new husband seemed to doom this relationship almost before it got started.  Fortunately, with a lot of work and some “confronting reality” effort, this family was able to get their feet under them and find a level of peace, love and cooperation.

 But for this particular stepfather, he wasn’t sure at the outset that stepfathering was a good idea.
Recognize relationship complications.  When a man marries a woman with children, there are just a lot of special difficulties.  One of the things I learned early on is that the complexity of relationships increases geometrically when every new person is added to a family, whether that addition comes via marriage or birth or just moving in.  If we begin with an expectation on the part of all involved that things will need to change, the family can adapt better.  The longer it takes to confront that situation and the more family members resist the change, the harder it will be.
 
Get together as parents.  While the courtship that leads to a marriage is meant to be all about the new couple, when kids are involved, the courtship also has to involve a clear discussion and coming together as parents.  Men and women start out typically with different parenting approaches, and for a father coming into existing mother/child relationships, those differences are magnified many fold.

 Being on the same page as a mother and a stepfather is critical.  It is also important to let Mom be the voice of the parents to the children as she is the mother and the element of stability in this whole new family situation.
Give kids an opportunity to express themselves.  Often, in the name of avoiding conflict in a new marriage, Mom and Stepdad will try to get kids to comply with the new situation.  But the relationships are complicated and kids are not as well equipped to deal with this significant family change as adults are (or should be).  So the children need an opportunity to talk safely, and generally with Mom because of the existing relationship there.  Stepfathers need to allow some space for that communication and some time for adaptation.
 
Keep marriage issues out of the public eye at home.  As mentioned earlier, the transition into a blended family is challenging for children - almost as difficult as the previous divorce.  Sensing that Mom and the new stepdad are not getting along can be difficult for the kids and can lead them to conclude that Mom made a big mistake and should fix it.  If Mom and stepdad need some help, they should get with a clergyman or a family therapist, but issues should not be vetted in front of the kids, nor should a parent or a stepparent try to get the kids to choose sides.  The drama is just not helpful to anyone.
Make one-on-one time for the kids and the parents.  The “honeymoon period” for a new marriage with kids involved in a lot shorter than it is for a new couple just starting out.  Involve the kids the relationship early and often.  Making some time for a one-on-one relationship for both Mom and Stepdad and each child is a good strategy to build the relationships all around.  Having the individual attention time will also spur better conversations and help build relationships of trust.

Be patient.  Stepfathers I know tell me that it can take months to years for a steady and secure relationship to develop between the children and the stepfather.  They have to get over the feeling of being “disloyal” to their father and finding just the right level of relationship with this new man in their lives and their household.  Forcing relationships before the kids are ready usually results in trouble and confusion; letting things happen somewhat naturally is best.
Stepfathering is a challenge, but it is one worth working through.  Blending a family is certainly complicated and fraught with emotion, but it can be accomplished as all the family members work together, communicate and are willing to adapt and change.