I've been a professional photographer for 30 years.
What can be so hard about learning the underwater camera.
Should be easy.
The simple truth of the matter is that I'm impulsive.
I get these ideas in my head and rather than research things first, like a grown up, I sort of go with the "When in Rome" theory - if the opportunity presents its self, then surely I'm meant to take advantage of it.
So the last time I was in "Rome" the sign out front read "Shutterbug Photo Supplies" and the idea I had been tossing around was underwater photography.
Consequently, when I spotted the cute little underwater camera, I bought it.
Surely this was meant to be.
Now, as a 30 year professional photographer, one would assume that I would have looked this thing over a bit before throwing my money down on the table and trotting off with it, delusions of grandeur dancing in my head.
But nooooo.
As a pro, I'm figuring that this little toy camera should be a piece of cake.
Did I mention I am not a big fan of cake? Well, I'm not.
The first thing I do is charge the thing.
A day or two later I go to play with it and its dead.
Why is it dead? Because it has video capabilities, unbeknownst to me, and idiot me pushed the tiny little "record" button rather than the "off" button and I am now in possession of very long, very riveting video of my computer keyboard.
Bully for me! So I re-charge the darn thing, and am finally able to sit down with it and read the manual..
..
Go to the box..
..
no manual.
Call.
"Where's the manual?" I'm informed that the manual is in the camera.
Oh, swell.
Technology of this nature is not my friend.
I spend an hour messing around with the camera and the computer and cannot do it.
But, no problem! I'm a PRO! Surely I can figure this out on my own, after all, I've owned many cameras in my day! Of course I'm not taking into account that this thing is only one step above a cell phone camera and thus far in my life, the only cell phone photos I've managed have been taken inside my back pocket.
But hey - like I said...
Now, as a professional, I'm here to tell you that I don't need much to know how to set the camera - a few basics, like ISO, F stop and shutter speed and I can pretty much make anything work.
And in my experience, every camera I've had in my possession will give me this information.
Except this camera.
(Assuming this is a camera!) None of these things are available for me to set.
Instead, I have settings which are apparently meant to help the novice.
Like the "Beauty" setting.
Now, the first question that comes to my mind is "As opposed to what?" I mean is there an "Ugly" setting? How about an "Over the Hill" setting? Is the camera doing face lifts? Breast jobs? Just exactly what is this camera's definition of "beauty"? Then we have the "Magic" setting.
Wait! Now I know what that is!!! THAT must be the face lift setting!!! Right? Then my options get even scarier.
I have the landscape setting, not to be confused with the next setting which is the landscape setting for snow capped mountains.
And the fireworks setting, which is next to the candlelight setting.
And on and on.
But my favorite, which comes right after the "flower" setting is the "fruits and vegetables" setting.
What? I almost fell out of my chair.
The Fruits and Vegetables setting? Because what? Someone buying a pocket camera is aiming at photographing their squash plants? What if there is a random marigold in the background? Does that mean the photo won't work? And for that matter - HOW DOES MY CAMERA KNOW TO DISCRIMINATE BETWEEN A PETUNIA AND A CARROT? Wait! A carrot is a root vegetable - why don't I have a setting for that? I need to return it! Carrot Farmers of America Unite! This is discriminatory! Somehow, I'm not sure how, to be honest - I've managed to learn the settings I need in the underwater department which have the pool, one fish, two fish, underwater landscape and underwater person options.
I think.
So off I go to give it the old college try.
Now, for the record, underwater photography with a model is very, very challenging on both the model's part and mine.
I know this because I used to do this with my old film camera.
But having been down this road, I'm fairly certain, that despite huge limitations I can do this.
Holy cow.
The first horrific moment came when I put my weight belt on from ten years ago and it fails to remotely keep my expanded back side under water.
I've become a cork.
Weights or not, my blubber shoots to the surface like a bullet and I must engage help to keep me down.
Joy.
I have a built in buoy apparently.
Secondly, I am forced to look only at the back of the camera which I cannot see underwater, mask or no mask.
Fine.
Then we have the non-sinkable models (apparently I don't have the only buoy in town!).
The whole thing is hilarious.
But I did it.
Fighting the whole way, I managed to get some very cool photos of a woman under the water.
I then show them to a photographer friend of mine.
Mind you, I'm really proud (mostly due to the fact that no one drowned and I managed to stay under) and well, I like them.
A lot, actually.
Then I hear this: "Yeah, they are cool, but why is she green?" My short answer? Avatar not withstanding? BECAUSE I CLEARLY HAD IT ON THE ZUCCHINI SETTING!!!!! Just shoot me now.
What can be so hard about learning the underwater camera.
Should be easy.
The simple truth of the matter is that I'm impulsive.
I get these ideas in my head and rather than research things first, like a grown up, I sort of go with the "When in Rome" theory - if the opportunity presents its self, then surely I'm meant to take advantage of it.
So the last time I was in "Rome" the sign out front read "Shutterbug Photo Supplies" and the idea I had been tossing around was underwater photography.
Consequently, when I spotted the cute little underwater camera, I bought it.
Surely this was meant to be.
Now, as a 30 year professional photographer, one would assume that I would have looked this thing over a bit before throwing my money down on the table and trotting off with it, delusions of grandeur dancing in my head.
But nooooo.
As a pro, I'm figuring that this little toy camera should be a piece of cake.
Did I mention I am not a big fan of cake? Well, I'm not.
The first thing I do is charge the thing.
A day or two later I go to play with it and its dead.
Why is it dead? Because it has video capabilities, unbeknownst to me, and idiot me pushed the tiny little "record" button rather than the "off" button and I am now in possession of very long, very riveting video of my computer keyboard.
Bully for me! So I re-charge the darn thing, and am finally able to sit down with it and read the manual..
..
Go to the box..
..
no manual.
Call.
"Where's the manual?" I'm informed that the manual is in the camera.
Oh, swell.
Technology of this nature is not my friend.
I spend an hour messing around with the camera and the computer and cannot do it.
But, no problem! I'm a PRO! Surely I can figure this out on my own, after all, I've owned many cameras in my day! Of course I'm not taking into account that this thing is only one step above a cell phone camera and thus far in my life, the only cell phone photos I've managed have been taken inside my back pocket.
But hey - like I said...
Now, as a professional, I'm here to tell you that I don't need much to know how to set the camera - a few basics, like ISO, F stop and shutter speed and I can pretty much make anything work.
And in my experience, every camera I've had in my possession will give me this information.
Except this camera.
(Assuming this is a camera!) None of these things are available for me to set.
Instead, I have settings which are apparently meant to help the novice.
Like the "Beauty" setting.
Now, the first question that comes to my mind is "As opposed to what?" I mean is there an "Ugly" setting? How about an "Over the Hill" setting? Is the camera doing face lifts? Breast jobs? Just exactly what is this camera's definition of "beauty"? Then we have the "Magic" setting.
Wait! Now I know what that is!!! THAT must be the face lift setting!!! Right? Then my options get even scarier.
I have the landscape setting, not to be confused with the next setting which is the landscape setting for snow capped mountains.
And the fireworks setting, which is next to the candlelight setting.
And on and on.
But my favorite, which comes right after the "flower" setting is the "fruits and vegetables" setting.
What? I almost fell out of my chair.
The Fruits and Vegetables setting? Because what? Someone buying a pocket camera is aiming at photographing their squash plants? What if there is a random marigold in the background? Does that mean the photo won't work? And for that matter - HOW DOES MY CAMERA KNOW TO DISCRIMINATE BETWEEN A PETUNIA AND A CARROT? Wait! A carrot is a root vegetable - why don't I have a setting for that? I need to return it! Carrot Farmers of America Unite! This is discriminatory! Somehow, I'm not sure how, to be honest - I've managed to learn the settings I need in the underwater department which have the pool, one fish, two fish, underwater landscape and underwater person options.
I think.
So off I go to give it the old college try.
Now, for the record, underwater photography with a model is very, very challenging on both the model's part and mine.
I know this because I used to do this with my old film camera.
But having been down this road, I'm fairly certain, that despite huge limitations I can do this.
Holy cow.
The first horrific moment came when I put my weight belt on from ten years ago and it fails to remotely keep my expanded back side under water.
I've become a cork.
Weights or not, my blubber shoots to the surface like a bullet and I must engage help to keep me down.
Joy.
I have a built in buoy apparently.
Secondly, I am forced to look only at the back of the camera which I cannot see underwater, mask or no mask.
Fine.
Then we have the non-sinkable models (apparently I don't have the only buoy in town!).
The whole thing is hilarious.
But I did it.
Fighting the whole way, I managed to get some very cool photos of a woman under the water.
I then show them to a photographer friend of mine.
Mind you, I'm really proud (mostly due to the fact that no one drowned and I managed to stay under) and well, I like them.
A lot, actually.
Then I hear this: "Yeah, they are cool, but why is she green?" My short answer? Avatar not withstanding? BECAUSE I CLEARLY HAD IT ON THE ZUCCHINI SETTING!!!!! Just shoot me now.
SHARE
