We should share everything with our spouse shouldn't we; every thought, every desire, every want and every fantasy? We have heard it said over and over again that our spouse is our other half and that we should share everything with them but is that really true? Are there words (or ideas) that should be forbidden in all spousal communication? If such words exist what are they? 1.
Marrying you was a mistake.
You may think this occasionally when your spouse does some incomprehensibly stupid thing but never, ever say it.
When you say it you are letting them know that you cannot be fully committed to them since your marriage is a mistake.
And what do we do with mistakes? We correct them.
So they begin to understand that you are looking out for another partner so that you can correct this mistake.
2.
You are not the kind of spouse that I dreamt of.
Granted no one can live up to your imagination or idealistic dreams but unless you then add "you are so much better that I ever dream t or imagined" then you are telling your spouse that they are somehow less than what you always wanted.
This is forbidden because you are telling your spouse that when you married them you settled for less than what you wanted.
And who would be motivated to be a great spouse by that? Won't they instead stop putting in any effort since they clearly cannot please you as they are not what you wanted? 3.
I should have married my ex.
Why are you telling your spouse this? If you want to hurt them and let them know that there is someone else you would rather be with them then you are doing a great job.
If you are living in the past hungering for your ex then how can your marriage survive? 4.
My ex was better than you.
Then why did you not marry your ex? This is forbidden since you are not with your ex and even if they were better than your spouse in some things it doesn't help you or your marriage to say this.
So they were better that your spouse..
..
so what? How does this motivate your spouse to work at your marriage? 5.
You are not as good as...
! Comparing your spouse negatively with anybody else (even a parent) is forbidden in all spousal communication.
No one thrives by being compared unfavorably against another as that only breeds resentment in your spouse or makes them feel like a lesser person.
A sure way to marital unhappiness for both of you.
6.
I can divorce you at any time.
Yes you can but do you want to open that door? This is forbidden because you are making light of your commitment to your spouse.
Divorce should not be something you banter or hold over your spouse as it does not inspire confidence in you or your marriage.
If you make divorce sound as easy as changing clothes then your spouse cannot invest fully into it since they know you can leave anytime.
Who wants to give their all to something that can end any time? 7.
You are an idiot.
They may have done an idiotic deed but they are not the deed.
Separate your spouse from their deeds.
If you really think about it an idiot is actually someone who is lacking in mental capacity so that they are incapable of rational behavior...
is that your spouse? Is all their behavior irrational and therefore untrustworthy? If yes than why did you give yourself permission to marry them in the first place? 8.
You are not a real man or woman.
This is forbidden because of its hurt value.
When you tell your spouse that they are not a real man or woman then you question their person-hood or who they are.
You let them know that they are lacking in some attributes and so they are somehow less than all other men or women.
What kind of outcome do you expect to get from this? These 8 things are totally forbidden if you are serious about your marriage and want it to be a place of fulfillment and growth for both of you.
Words hurt and many of us use them as weapons against our spouses to demean and hurt them.
Learn to use your words to build up your spouse and your marriage.
They say that the power of life or death in your marriage is in your tongue.
Use your tongue to give life to your marriage and not death.
Marrying you was a mistake.
You may think this occasionally when your spouse does some incomprehensibly stupid thing but never, ever say it.
When you say it you are letting them know that you cannot be fully committed to them since your marriage is a mistake.
And what do we do with mistakes? We correct them.
So they begin to understand that you are looking out for another partner so that you can correct this mistake.
2.
You are not the kind of spouse that I dreamt of.
Granted no one can live up to your imagination or idealistic dreams but unless you then add "you are so much better that I ever dream t or imagined" then you are telling your spouse that they are somehow less than what you always wanted.
This is forbidden because you are telling your spouse that when you married them you settled for less than what you wanted.
And who would be motivated to be a great spouse by that? Won't they instead stop putting in any effort since they clearly cannot please you as they are not what you wanted? 3.
I should have married my ex.
Why are you telling your spouse this? If you want to hurt them and let them know that there is someone else you would rather be with them then you are doing a great job.
If you are living in the past hungering for your ex then how can your marriage survive? 4.
My ex was better than you.
Then why did you not marry your ex? This is forbidden since you are not with your ex and even if they were better than your spouse in some things it doesn't help you or your marriage to say this.
So they were better that your spouse..
..
so what? How does this motivate your spouse to work at your marriage? 5.
You are not as good as...
! Comparing your spouse negatively with anybody else (even a parent) is forbidden in all spousal communication.
No one thrives by being compared unfavorably against another as that only breeds resentment in your spouse or makes them feel like a lesser person.
A sure way to marital unhappiness for both of you.
6.
I can divorce you at any time.
Yes you can but do you want to open that door? This is forbidden because you are making light of your commitment to your spouse.
Divorce should not be something you banter or hold over your spouse as it does not inspire confidence in you or your marriage.
If you make divorce sound as easy as changing clothes then your spouse cannot invest fully into it since they know you can leave anytime.
Who wants to give their all to something that can end any time? 7.
You are an idiot.
They may have done an idiotic deed but they are not the deed.
Separate your spouse from their deeds.
If you really think about it an idiot is actually someone who is lacking in mental capacity so that they are incapable of rational behavior...
is that your spouse? Is all their behavior irrational and therefore untrustworthy? If yes than why did you give yourself permission to marry them in the first place? 8.
You are not a real man or woman.
This is forbidden because of its hurt value.
When you tell your spouse that they are not a real man or woman then you question their person-hood or who they are.
You let them know that they are lacking in some attributes and so they are somehow less than all other men or women.
What kind of outcome do you expect to get from this? These 8 things are totally forbidden if you are serious about your marriage and want it to be a place of fulfillment and growth for both of you.
Words hurt and many of us use them as weapons against our spouses to demean and hurt them.
Learn to use your words to build up your spouse and your marriage.
They say that the power of life or death in your marriage is in your tongue.
Use your tongue to give life to your marriage and not death.
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