The Scared Child It's completely normal and natural for children to be afraid of certain things as they grow.
Problems occur when they become trapped within their fears, and this has an impact on their daily lives.
Children can be left with feelings of fear following traumatic events in their lives and often adults are unaware of this.
Even watching a scary movie, or seeing a graphic picture in a newspaper, can have a fearsome impact on your child.
(S)he may experience constant butterflies in the stomach, for example, after a bad fall.
This somatic sensation remains with them long after the fall, and they present as hyper-active, with behaviors that are then labelled as problematic.
This vicious cycle can lead to problems at school, even medication.
But, there are some very simple solutions, if we adults can learn to tune in to our children.
The recent shootings in a school in Connecticut, USA, had repercussions around the globe.
I work with a group of mothers, who lost their children in a similar incident here in Brazil last year.
The news of the shootings in the US before Christmas brought it all rushing back to them.
The shock returned as if they were hearing their own news for the first time again.
They were transported back to last April, and all of their fears came right back to the surface.
For these families, and indeed the families in the US, fear can be paralyzing.
Think of those children in Connecticut returning to school this month, after all that happened before Christmas.
Our Bodies React to Fear When we experience fear, our bodies react in certain ways, releasing energy.
These somatic reactions can be seen throughout nature, with animals fighting, escaping, or freezing in situations that they perceive as threatening.
It is irrelevant whether the situation is actually threatening, and this is an important distinction when we consider our children.
If they perceive something as a threat to themselves, then their bodies will react accordingly, releasing energy into their system to help them deal with the threat.
But often, these bodily sensations that are created can remain jammed within our systems for a very long time.
The jolt of adrenaline gets stuck, and leaves an anxious jittery stomach.
The escape reaction leaves the child feeling very restless, and perhaps hyper, as they continually try to pass this energy through.
This is as true for children as it is for adults.
I have developed some material to help some Somatic Experiencing colleagues of mine deal with the after effects of last year's shooting with the parents of the Connecticut school.
But, the experience of fear is not limited to incidents as dramatic as school shootings.
Thousands of children are living with fear sensations that they do not understand.
I believe that if parents could learn to recognise these feelings, then we could help them to process the sensation and move on.
Communicating With Your Child One of the most important aspects of parenting is communication.
But, we must understand that communication means a lot more than just words.
Children say a lot more with their body language than they do with the words they choose.
If we, as adults, can tune into the messages children are sending us, we will re-open our connection with them.
Solid communication has a massive impact on relationships with anyone, but with children, it is imperative.
I have met many parents in recent years, who are no longer able to communicate with their child, because of their frustrations with children's behavior.
Communication has broken down, as parents can no longer able to see the child from behind the behavior.
I can help you to re-awaken a curiosity in your child's behavior, and to learn to leave some of the old frustrations behind.
Take a look at your child's face, their body, their behavior as they play, as they move through their day.
Listen to their words, and ask yourself if their non-verbal body language is matching up to what they are saying.
Re-awaken a curiosity to learn what is going on inside your child.
Of course, while paying attention to your child's non-verbal language, you should also pay attention to your own.
One simple way to begin to tune in is to get down to their level more often.
When speaking with your child, make an effort to stoop down to their eye contact level, sit on the floor if needs be.
Even if this is only for a few minutes a couple of times a day, your child will perceive the connection, and will become better able to communicate with you.
They will sense that you are now tuning in to them, and are not thinking about your emails, your social networks, the meal you are preparing.
Make a great effort to maintain eye contact and eye level when speaking with your child, whatever age they are.
Verbalizing Their Fears Ask your child about whatever it is that they are afraid of.
Allow them to speak freely and to fully verbalize their fears.
Please, resist the temptation to judge, be-little, or dissuade their fear.
This fear is real for them, even if it seems somewhat insignificant to you.
Show them that you are connected with what they are saying with your body language.
Smile, nod as appropriate as they are telling you all about it.
In my clinical work, I meet many children who present as hyper-active, and many others who present as apathetic, or withdrawn.
I believe, and this is constantly proven in my work with these children, that they have an inner voice that is begging to be heard.
Sometimes, the loud hyper child is really trying to ask us to help them slow down, while the apathetic opting-out child is screaming to join in.
If we can learn to read the cues that are hidden in their non-verbal communication, we can help them to progress to where it is that they would prefer to be.
The Hyper Child / The Child Who Opts Out Hyper-activity and apathy are two ends of the same spectrum.
Many behaviors we see in children are their means of managing the activation in their body following a significant life event.
Following a traumatic experience, one child may withdraw completely from his environment, while another may run around shouting and roaring.
While the hyper-active child may tell his story through grand gestures and movements, the apathetic child will be more inclined to more subtle, and often un-noticed, behaviors.
Instead of becoming frustrated, we can tune in and observe our children with curiosity.
Listening to Our Children We need to learn how to really listen to our children.
Listening involves a lot more than just hearing the words that are being spoken.
Listening is multi-faceted.
When we really listen to our children, we hear and understand the words phrases and meanings; we hear the feeling and emotions that they are expressing; we notice the gestures and expressions they are choosing; we look at their actions and behaviors; and we track their bodily sensations.
The skill of really listening does not come automatically to all of us, especially as our busy lives constantly become more and more demanding.
But, there are really simple ways that you can begin to reconnect with your child.
Play-Time Playing with your child is a great way to re-connect with them.
Play is a vital part of childhood.
Through play, children make sense of the world around them, and practice for real life.
Through play, they can complete actions they were unable to achieve in real life; they can fight back, they can defend themselves.
Play is a natural way for children to learn regulate themselves, and when we join them in play, we can teach them to find self-regulation.
Play allows children to communicate in a way words always fail.
Play provides a safe setting for children to tell stories of distress and relief, expressing feelings and behavior.
Play provides a meeting ground for social interaction with other children and with adult care-givers.
As adults, we need to set the stage for our children to play.
Traditional games like hide-and-seek, tag, jumping rope, dodge games are particularly good with children.
Try to avoid computer games, especially ones with violent imagery.
Playing outside is better for your child on every level.
Really try to make an effort to include yourself in their game time.
You will immediately see a difference - your presence will really motivate and excite your child.
Good Games for Re-connecting with Kids There are some specific games that can be very good for re-opening your connection with your child.
Dedicate at least twenty minutes per game, so that your child knows that they have your full attention.
Push & Pull
Adding resistance allows for your child's energy to flow around his body again, and down through the limbs.
Tug of War
These exercises are particularly good for the fearful child because it allows them to feel their inner strength; it simulates the idea of fighting back, or defending themselves.
The child who presents with low, or inhibited behavior, can move towards greater expression vis-à-vis these games, and be awakened to the here and now.
If your child presents with more hyper-active behaviors, these games may seem counter-intuitive; and it may seem like the game will only hype them up further.
However, after playing a few rounds, with breaks in between, your child will return to a more 'normal' physiological state.
The game helps your child to bring scattered energy to focus on concentrate on one focus point - their hand, foot, etc.
Even watching another child play this game can elicit positive reactions in children.
Play the game with other siblings until they become interested.
Keep it fun, and try not to force the issue if they do not feel like engaging.
Problems occur when they become trapped within their fears, and this has an impact on their daily lives.
Children can be left with feelings of fear following traumatic events in their lives and often adults are unaware of this.
Even watching a scary movie, or seeing a graphic picture in a newspaper, can have a fearsome impact on your child.
(S)he may experience constant butterflies in the stomach, for example, after a bad fall.
This somatic sensation remains with them long after the fall, and they present as hyper-active, with behaviors that are then labelled as problematic.
This vicious cycle can lead to problems at school, even medication.
But, there are some very simple solutions, if we adults can learn to tune in to our children.
The recent shootings in a school in Connecticut, USA, had repercussions around the globe.
I work with a group of mothers, who lost their children in a similar incident here in Brazil last year.
The news of the shootings in the US before Christmas brought it all rushing back to them.
The shock returned as if they were hearing their own news for the first time again.
They were transported back to last April, and all of their fears came right back to the surface.
For these families, and indeed the families in the US, fear can be paralyzing.
Think of those children in Connecticut returning to school this month, after all that happened before Christmas.
Our Bodies React to Fear When we experience fear, our bodies react in certain ways, releasing energy.
These somatic reactions can be seen throughout nature, with animals fighting, escaping, or freezing in situations that they perceive as threatening.
It is irrelevant whether the situation is actually threatening, and this is an important distinction when we consider our children.
If they perceive something as a threat to themselves, then their bodies will react accordingly, releasing energy into their system to help them deal with the threat.
But often, these bodily sensations that are created can remain jammed within our systems for a very long time.
The jolt of adrenaline gets stuck, and leaves an anxious jittery stomach.
The escape reaction leaves the child feeling very restless, and perhaps hyper, as they continually try to pass this energy through.
This is as true for children as it is for adults.
I have developed some material to help some Somatic Experiencing colleagues of mine deal with the after effects of last year's shooting with the parents of the Connecticut school.
But, the experience of fear is not limited to incidents as dramatic as school shootings.
Thousands of children are living with fear sensations that they do not understand.
I believe that if parents could learn to recognise these feelings, then we could help them to process the sensation and move on.
Communicating With Your Child One of the most important aspects of parenting is communication.
But, we must understand that communication means a lot more than just words.
Children say a lot more with their body language than they do with the words they choose.
If we, as adults, can tune into the messages children are sending us, we will re-open our connection with them.
Solid communication has a massive impact on relationships with anyone, but with children, it is imperative.
I have met many parents in recent years, who are no longer able to communicate with their child, because of their frustrations with children's behavior.
Communication has broken down, as parents can no longer able to see the child from behind the behavior.
I can help you to re-awaken a curiosity in your child's behavior, and to learn to leave some of the old frustrations behind.
Take a look at your child's face, their body, their behavior as they play, as they move through their day.
Listen to their words, and ask yourself if their non-verbal body language is matching up to what they are saying.
Re-awaken a curiosity to learn what is going on inside your child.
Of course, while paying attention to your child's non-verbal language, you should also pay attention to your own.
One simple way to begin to tune in is to get down to their level more often.
When speaking with your child, make an effort to stoop down to their eye contact level, sit on the floor if needs be.
Even if this is only for a few minutes a couple of times a day, your child will perceive the connection, and will become better able to communicate with you.
They will sense that you are now tuning in to them, and are not thinking about your emails, your social networks, the meal you are preparing.
Make a great effort to maintain eye contact and eye level when speaking with your child, whatever age they are.
Verbalizing Their Fears Ask your child about whatever it is that they are afraid of.
Allow them to speak freely and to fully verbalize their fears.
Please, resist the temptation to judge, be-little, or dissuade their fear.
This fear is real for them, even if it seems somewhat insignificant to you.
Show them that you are connected with what they are saying with your body language.
Smile, nod as appropriate as they are telling you all about it.
In my clinical work, I meet many children who present as hyper-active, and many others who present as apathetic, or withdrawn.
I believe, and this is constantly proven in my work with these children, that they have an inner voice that is begging to be heard.
Sometimes, the loud hyper child is really trying to ask us to help them slow down, while the apathetic opting-out child is screaming to join in.
If we can learn to read the cues that are hidden in their non-verbal communication, we can help them to progress to where it is that they would prefer to be.
The Hyper Child / The Child Who Opts Out Hyper-activity and apathy are two ends of the same spectrum.
Many behaviors we see in children are their means of managing the activation in their body following a significant life event.
Following a traumatic experience, one child may withdraw completely from his environment, while another may run around shouting and roaring.
While the hyper-active child may tell his story through grand gestures and movements, the apathetic child will be more inclined to more subtle, and often un-noticed, behaviors.
Instead of becoming frustrated, we can tune in and observe our children with curiosity.
Listening to Our Children We need to learn how to really listen to our children.
Listening involves a lot more than just hearing the words that are being spoken.
Listening is multi-faceted.
When we really listen to our children, we hear and understand the words phrases and meanings; we hear the feeling and emotions that they are expressing; we notice the gestures and expressions they are choosing; we look at their actions and behaviors; and we track their bodily sensations.
The skill of really listening does not come automatically to all of us, especially as our busy lives constantly become more and more demanding.
But, there are really simple ways that you can begin to reconnect with your child.
Play-Time Playing with your child is a great way to re-connect with them.
Play is a vital part of childhood.
Through play, children make sense of the world around them, and practice for real life.
Through play, they can complete actions they were unable to achieve in real life; they can fight back, they can defend themselves.
Play is a natural way for children to learn regulate themselves, and when we join them in play, we can teach them to find self-regulation.
Play allows children to communicate in a way words always fail.
Play provides a safe setting for children to tell stories of distress and relief, expressing feelings and behavior.
Play provides a meeting ground for social interaction with other children and with adult care-givers.
As adults, we need to set the stage for our children to play.
Traditional games like hide-and-seek, tag, jumping rope, dodge games are particularly good with children.
Try to avoid computer games, especially ones with violent imagery.
Playing outside is better for your child on every level.
Really try to make an effort to include yourself in their game time.
You will immediately see a difference - your presence will really motivate and excite your child.
Good Games for Re-connecting with Kids There are some specific games that can be very good for re-opening your connection with your child.
Dedicate at least twenty minutes per game, so that your child knows that they have your full attention.
Push & Pull
- Sit down opposite your child, and after a few minutes playful chat, ask them to place their palms on yours.
- Apply a little pressure to meet their resistance.
- Ask them to push against your hands, varying the pressure.
- Then, turn it around, and ask them to pull against your hands.
- Ask your child to push the soles of their feet against your hands, your feet, again varying the pressure.
- Maintain playful eye contact throughout.
- Place your hands on the top of your child's head, and ask them to push upward against your hand.
- Give some gentle resistance; ask them to "grow up" again the pressure of your contact.
Adding resistance allows for your child's energy to flow around his body again, and down through the limbs.
Tug of War
- This is a simple variation on the game above, this time using external props.
- Cut a piece of sheeting, so that there is a piece around two meters long.
- Mark a mid point between where you and your child are standing
- Give them one end of the rope, and hold the other yourself
- While tugging slightly on the rope, ask them to try to get the rope over the marked mid-point to win.
- Adjust the amount of resistance you apply, letting them win, and lose.
- Tie three pieces together to allow another child to play too.
These exercises are particularly good for the fearful child because it allows them to feel their inner strength; it simulates the idea of fighting back, or defending themselves.
The child who presents with low, or inhibited behavior, can move towards greater expression vis-à-vis these games, and be awakened to the here and now.
If your child presents with more hyper-active behaviors, these games may seem counter-intuitive; and it may seem like the game will only hype them up further.
However, after playing a few rounds, with breaks in between, your child will return to a more 'normal' physiological state.
The game helps your child to bring scattered energy to focus on concentrate on one focus point - their hand, foot, etc.
Even watching another child play this game can elicit positive reactions in children.
Play the game with other siblings until they become interested.
Keep it fun, and try not to force the issue if they do not feel like engaging.
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