How often have you heard a mother or father say, "Once they are 18 and out of the house, then I won't have to worry about them anymore.
" I beg to differ.
In fact, being a good mother or father to a grown child can be both a lot of fun and also a significant challenge.
Here are five guiding principles which will help you to maintain a healthy relationship after the children have left home.
Accept differences.
A healthy young adult goes through a process of "differentiation," as he discerns how he wants to be similar to his family, and how he wants to be different.
Allow, accept, and welcome your young adult's unique ways, as long as they are safe and healthy.
It can be eye-opening to look back at how you went through the process yourself! Cultivate a mutual relationship.
In earlier stages, the parent child relationship was hierarchical, in that the parent(s) had control.
Through the adolescent years, that vertical relationship began to shift toward a more mutual, or horizontal relationship.
Be aware of the tone and content of your communication, and try to keep it on a level playing field.
Not parent to child, but adult to adult.
Be curious.
Expressing an appropriate curiosity about your daughter's life shows that you are interested in who she is, and want to know her as her own person.
Engage her in conversations about her work, her school, her relationships, her home.
Being curious is a good thing, being nosey isn't! Let go.
We hear this all the time these days.
What does it mean in this stage of parenting? Letting go of the need to control, letting go of attachment to a particular outcome, or letting go of an emotional reaction and trying to be a bit more detached.
(Yes, this one is hard!) Trusting, deep breathing, and humor are all valuable in this effort.
"Give some grace".
This phrase comes from Empty Nesting, by David Arp et al.
The challenge here is to tolerate small irritations and be accepting of your son or daughter as a whole person with some imperfections.
Forgiving mistakes and understanding alternative points of view help parents to focus on successes and positive traits.
And don't we all hope for the same from those close to us?
" I beg to differ.
In fact, being a good mother or father to a grown child can be both a lot of fun and also a significant challenge.
Here are five guiding principles which will help you to maintain a healthy relationship after the children have left home.
Accept differences.
A healthy young adult goes through a process of "differentiation," as he discerns how he wants to be similar to his family, and how he wants to be different.
Allow, accept, and welcome your young adult's unique ways, as long as they are safe and healthy.
It can be eye-opening to look back at how you went through the process yourself! Cultivate a mutual relationship.
In earlier stages, the parent child relationship was hierarchical, in that the parent(s) had control.
Through the adolescent years, that vertical relationship began to shift toward a more mutual, or horizontal relationship.
Be aware of the tone and content of your communication, and try to keep it on a level playing field.
Not parent to child, but adult to adult.
Be curious.
Expressing an appropriate curiosity about your daughter's life shows that you are interested in who she is, and want to know her as her own person.
Engage her in conversations about her work, her school, her relationships, her home.
Being curious is a good thing, being nosey isn't! Let go.
We hear this all the time these days.
What does it mean in this stage of parenting? Letting go of the need to control, letting go of attachment to a particular outcome, or letting go of an emotional reaction and trying to be a bit more detached.
(Yes, this one is hard!) Trusting, deep breathing, and humor are all valuable in this effort.
"Give some grace".
This phrase comes from Empty Nesting, by David Arp et al.
The challenge here is to tolerate small irritations and be accepting of your son or daughter as a whole person with some imperfections.
Forgiving mistakes and understanding alternative points of view help parents to focus on successes and positive traits.
And don't we all hope for the same from those close to us?
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