Updated December 27, 2014.
From Jay:
Stop Hating Yourself
My Warrior quit brother Simon is always posting eloquently about his quit and the physical and emotional aspects of it. He has a very unique take on accepting one’s quit and embracing the cravings and craziness of the quit. I joke about Simon’s Zen of quitting. I do not have his eloquence but I would like to talk about my acceptance of my quit and touch on the subject of hating one’s self for smoking.
I once quit for eight years. Almost 9. When people find that out or ask me why I started again or have not quit again I would look them right in the eye and tell them “Because I hate myself.”
I got some very interesting looks from people, but never got a response or a follow up question. I think I scared or embarrassed most of the people. I said it with such conviction that there was no doubt that I was serious. Or maybe I confused them because they were not smokers or did not have an addiction. They did not realize what it was like to hate yourself for it.
This is not my first time around on this forum. I have been on here since 2010 and I was in two awesome quit groups before I joined my beloved Warriors in February 2014. The key to my quit this time was realizing that I was an addict. I was addicted to nicotine.
It was the first week into this quit and I had graduated from reading all the typical newbie articles and I was focusing on some addiction articles that clicked off something in my brain.
I had read a half dozen articles when I came across one that resonated with me. The gentleman was facing all the same issues I was. He was explaining the Junkie Thoughts that coursed through his head like he was in my head. His desperation to escape this demon and beat the Junkie Thoughts were just like mine. To my surprise a few lines later I realized he was a heroin addict. He wasn’t talking about cigarettes, he was talking about heroin. I was jumping from addiction topic to addiction topic and ended up in this one.
What a wake up call. I had just admitted to myself that I was just as much a junkie as this gentleman who had a heroin addiction. How sobering and sad I felt. It also opened my eyes. I wasn’t just breaking a habit or quitting smoking. I had to stop this addiction to nicotine.
So I accepted that I was an addict. It was a big jump for me to go from the idea of quitting smoking to the acceptance that I was actually an addict. It has given me the strength and conviction to quit smoking. I could not use any NRT, I could not ween myself off nicotine. I had to quit cold turkey and never go back. Not One Puff Ever again or I would be chained to my nicodemon for life.
It made sense now. For years I knew that I must hate myself for some reason because who would smoke unless they hated themselves? I had always hated myself for smoking because I knew every puff was killing me slowly. Every time I lit up I was choosing to end my life. How could someone choose a habit that would kill them and could endanger anyone close around them if they did not hate themselves in some way?
I hated everything about this habit. I hated the anxiety I felt when I needed to smoke. I hated the smell on my clothes and the dryness of my fingers. I was ashamed when people could smell it on my clothes and embarrassed when they were stuck in an elevator or close space with me. I hated the way my car smelled and was embarrassed when non smokers had to ride with me. I hated the way it burned my lungs and throat and brought tears to my eyes at times. I hated the way nicotine controlled every aspect of my life.
But most of all I hated myself because I couldn’t quit this habit.
I couldn’t understand that. I have always been strong physically, mentally and emotionally. A person of strong convictions. But too weak to quit smoking. In a way the discovery that I was just another addict freed me. I was at my lowest point, accepting that I was an addict, no different than anyone with an addiction to any other drug. I was a weak-willed, run-of-the-mill addict.
This is part of what Simon means when he writes about acceptance. Acceptance of your quit can set you free. Embracing all the emotions and physical and mental aspects of withdrawal can set you free.
My Acceptance that I was addicted to nicotine just like any other junkie has set me free. The realization that I am a nicotine junkie, a nicotine addict, has given me the strength to hold my quit. What a relief it has been. Were my cravings or withdrawals any less? Was my head any clearer? Did it make my quit any easier? No, no and yes.
I understood what was going on. I understood why I couldn’t quit before or stay quit. I understood that I could never take another puff again. So in that way it was easier. I could focus on the addiction. I could use time as my tool. I could go through this because in time the physical cravings would stop. I could accept that like any good junkie, those junkie thoughts would continue. I could accept that I did not have to listen to those junkie thoughts. I could accept that the physical and mental pain and anguish were all part of my addiction and a key to me getting better. I could accept my addiction and move past it. That meant that as long as I did not smoke, I no longer had to hate myself for my addiction.
If you hate yourself for smoking like I did, then I would ask you to figure out why. That is a horrible place to be. Start believing what our forum is telling us. Educate yourself about addiction. Accept your addiction. Embrace your addiction. Learn to love your quit and you will love yourself for not smoking.
More Reading:
Nicotine Withdrawal and Junkie Thinking
4 Steps for Fighting the Urge to Smoke
Building Strong Quit Muscles
From Jay:
Stop Hating Yourself
My Warrior quit brother Simon is always posting eloquently about his quit and the physical and emotional aspects of it. He has a very unique take on accepting one’s quit and embracing the cravings and craziness of the quit. I joke about Simon’s Zen of quitting. I do not have his eloquence but I would like to talk about my acceptance of my quit and touch on the subject of hating one’s self for smoking.
I once quit for eight years. Almost 9. When people find that out or ask me why I started again or have not quit again I would look them right in the eye and tell them “Because I hate myself.”
I got some very interesting looks from people, but never got a response or a follow up question. I think I scared or embarrassed most of the people. I said it with such conviction that there was no doubt that I was serious. Or maybe I confused them because they were not smokers or did not have an addiction. They did not realize what it was like to hate yourself for it.
This is not my first time around on this forum. I have been on here since 2010 and I was in two awesome quit groups before I joined my beloved Warriors in February 2014. The key to my quit this time was realizing that I was an addict. I was addicted to nicotine.
It was the first week into this quit and I had graduated from reading all the typical newbie articles and I was focusing on some addiction articles that clicked off something in my brain.
I had read a half dozen articles when I came across one that resonated with me. The gentleman was facing all the same issues I was. He was explaining the Junkie Thoughts that coursed through his head like he was in my head. His desperation to escape this demon and beat the Junkie Thoughts were just like mine. To my surprise a few lines later I realized he was a heroin addict. He wasn’t talking about cigarettes, he was talking about heroin. I was jumping from addiction topic to addiction topic and ended up in this one.
What a wake up call. I had just admitted to myself that I was just as much a junkie as this gentleman who had a heroin addiction. How sobering and sad I felt. It also opened my eyes. I wasn’t just breaking a habit or quitting smoking. I had to stop this addiction to nicotine.
So I accepted that I was an addict. It was a big jump for me to go from the idea of quitting smoking to the acceptance that I was actually an addict. It has given me the strength and conviction to quit smoking. I could not use any NRT, I could not ween myself off nicotine. I had to quit cold turkey and never go back. Not One Puff Ever again or I would be chained to my nicodemon for life.
It made sense now. For years I knew that I must hate myself for some reason because who would smoke unless they hated themselves? I had always hated myself for smoking because I knew every puff was killing me slowly. Every time I lit up I was choosing to end my life. How could someone choose a habit that would kill them and could endanger anyone close around them if they did not hate themselves in some way?
I hated everything about this habit. I hated the anxiety I felt when I needed to smoke. I hated the smell on my clothes and the dryness of my fingers. I was ashamed when people could smell it on my clothes and embarrassed when they were stuck in an elevator or close space with me. I hated the way my car smelled and was embarrassed when non smokers had to ride with me. I hated the way it burned my lungs and throat and brought tears to my eyes at times. I hated the way nicotine controlled every aspect of my life.
But most of all I hated myself because I couldn’t quit this habit.
I couldn’t understand that. I have always been strong physically, mentally and emotionally. A person of strong convictions. But too weak to quit smoking. In a way the discovery that I was just another addict freed me. I was at my lowest point, accepting that I was an addict, no different than anyone with an addiction to any other drug. I was a weak-willed, run-of-the-mill addict.
This is part of what Simon means when he writes about acceptance. Acceptance of your quit can set you free. Embracing all the emotions and physical and mental aspects of withdrawal can set you free.
My Acceptance that I was addicted to nicotine just like any other junkie has set me free. The realization that I am a nicotine junkie, a nicotine addict, has given me the strength to hold my quit. What a relief it has been. Were my cravings or withdrawals any less? Was my head any clearer? Did it make my quit any easier? No, no and yes.
I understood what was going on. I understood why I couldn’t quit before or stay quit. I understood that I could never take another puff again. So in that way it was easier. I could focus on the addiction. I could use time as my tool. I could go through this because in time the physical cravings would stop. I could accept that like any good junkie, those junkie thoughts would continue. I could accept that I did not have to listen to those junkie thoughts. I could accept that the physical and mental pain and anguish were all part of my addiction and a key to me getting better. I could accept my addiction and move past it. That meant that as long as I did not smoke, I no longer had to hate myself for my addiction.
If you hate yourself for smoking like I did, then I would ask you to figure out why. That is a horrible place to be. Start believing what our forum is telling us. Educate yourself about addiction. Accept your addiction. Embrace your addiction. Learn to love your quit and you will love yourself for not smoking.
More Reading:
Nicotine Withdrawal and Junkie Thinking
4 Steps for Fighting the Urge to Smoke
Building Strong Quit Muscles
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