Loving Guidance

• 1). Consider an alternative approach to discipline. Some children do not respond well to discipline that is punitive, isolating or shaming. A different approach that nurtures the internal motivation to cooperate may take practice. Be patient with yourself and your child while you try new ways of relating.
  
  
• 2). Be compassionate towards the defiant preschooler. Kids benefit from understanding. Preschoolers are in a transitional stage where they are learning about their world as they develop vocabulary to talk and express feelings. This is not always easy for them. They also start to become individuals with strong desires. It can be difficult for them to communicate what they need and want without getting frustrated. Remember that they are probably as frustrated as you are when they are being defiant. Take a deep breath and look into their eyes as you listen to find out what is underlying the defiance. Have in mind the behavior you want to see, ask questions about how they feel and what they want as a starting point to meet halfway. Trust that you can find a solution together.
  
  
• 3
  Empower a preschooler with choices.Jupiterimages/Goodshoot/Getty Images
  
  Empower your preschooler with choices and discussion. Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman at the website of uncommon-parenting suggest giving limited choices to allow a child to experience his own power. Some kids may be resistant because they feel powerless. If it is time to wash hands for dinner, you can ask the child if he would like to wash hands at the kitchen sink or in the bathroom. Ask your child how he can complete a task such as cleaning up the play area and see if he has some ideas for how to resolve the situation himself.
  
  
• 4). Communicate limits with love and teach cause and effect. Preschoolers can be very defiant if limits are communicated in anger. Talk about expectations ahead of time and when situations arise in a calm, confident tone. Karen Miles of the website babycenter suggests spelling out limits very clearly by saying something like, "People are not for hurting. If you feel upset, you can talk about how you are feeling, ask for help or get some space to work through your feelings." Bring awareness to how the preschooler's choices create both desirable and undesirable results. You can do this by non-judgmentally commenting about what a preschooler does and what happens next such as "You chose to put away the blocks and now you get to play with the books."
  
  
• 5
  A positive time-out can be helpful.Jupiterimages/Polka Dot/Getty Images
  
  Create a positive time-out area to provide space when necessary. Time-out can be helpful when it is not used as a punishment. Certain behaviors may need intervention and physical space to work through. Some kids may need space if they are feeling sad or angry. Be available to listen, talk with the child and problem solve to find solutions for defiance. Offer quiet activities to help the child become calm such as listening to a book on CD or puzzles. Invite them to participate with the class or family when they are ready.
  
  
• 6). Appreciate the struggles and use them as an opportunity to connect with the preschooler. Frustration can cause parent and child to push away from each other, physically and emotionally. Instead of allowing anger to build and cause you to resent the child, find ways you can appreciate the child even in the midst of defiant behavior. When things are going well, notice how it feels and what works for the child. Hold onto that feeling and bring it back when problems arise. Make a list of what you appreciate about the child and add to it each day. If the child is defiant, remember what you appreciate and ask her questions about how she is feeling and what she wants to have happen. Find out what her favorite animal is, what she likes to do and engage her in meaningful conversation. Connection can solve many problems with preschoolers.
  
  
• 7). If you feel very angry towards your defiant preschooler seek assistance from a friend, family member, therapist or other trusted professional. Parenting and caring for kids can be challenging; there are ways to work through the frustration so you do not take it out on the children.