What happens when your children break the rules? Do you get angry, frustrated, upset? Or do you realize that "rules are made to be broken"? Do you obsess about how to get your children to refrain from breaking the rule, or do you ponder how to respond when they do? Can anyone keep you from breaking a rule? Have you ever broken a rule? Is it not our children's choice and right to decide if they will break the rule or not?
It seems to me that it is our job to make and enforce the rules with consequences (not punishment) and it is our children's job to choose, from moment to moment whether or not to break the rule.
I will never forget the night my daughter, then around 14 wanted to go to the movies on a school night and I refused to let her go because we had the rule that on week nights she would not go out. She argued that she was a straight "A" student and that she had never given us any reason not to trust her. She was right, and I reminded her that was the rule. She kept insisting and arguing. I finally told her that there was only one way she would get to go and that was if she chose to break the rule, because the rule was not going to change. She asked if I was telling her to break the rule and I told her, "no", that I was simply pointing out to her that it was her decision to make. It was about 20 minutes before she would have to leave to walk to the movie. She sat somberly, silently, with an intense look on her face right in front of the door. I watched from the kitchen to see what she would decide. The time to leave arrived. The tension filled the house. She suddenly stormed off to her room, not out the door. I told her I was pleased by her good judgment, and proud of her for struggling with this impossible decision.
The next day she commented that it was not fair; that if she had chosen to break the rule she would have given me a reason to not trust her. I was awed by her insight.
What if she had chosed to break the rule? I would have implement the consequence that I had set up for breaking the rule. I might have been very upset, and I would have done my best to keep my upset to myself or to wait for the return of calm. My upset would only have come from the belief that children should not break the rules. Questioning that belief and noticing that I'd be calm without that belief, would help me clam down or keep calm. Futher reflection would lead me to realize that kids, adolescents, adults - all people, break the rules and have done so forever. Again it is not about our kids not breaking the rules but about having a sane response which enforces the rule when they do break it.
Notice, I have not used the term punishment. Imposing consequences is not about getting even or making the child suffer for breaking the rule. It is simple an "if/then" proposition. If you chose "A", then you get to experience "B", and If you choose "C", then you get to experience "D". This is about education, not control or manipulation.
Want more information and resources? Go to [http://www.bestparenthelp.info]
It seems to me that it is our job to make and enforce the rules with consequences (not punishment) and it is our children's job to choose, from moment to moment whether or not to break the rule.
I will never forget the night my daughter, then around 14 wanted to go to the movies on a school night and I refused to let her go because we had the rule that on week nights she would not go out. She argued that she was a straight "A" student and that she had never given us any reason not to trust her. She was right, and I reminded her that was the rule. She kept insisting and arguing. I finally told her that there was only one way she would get to go and that was if she chose to break the rule, because the rule was not going to change. She asked if I was telling her to break the rule and I told her, "no", that I was simply pointing out to her that it was her decision to make. It was about 20 minutes before she would have to leave to walk to the movie. She sat somberly, silently, with an intense look on her face right in front of the door. I watched from the kitchen to see what she would decide. The time to leave arrived. The tension filled the house. She suddenly stormed off to her room, not out the door. I told her I was pleased by her good judgment, and proud of her for struggling with this impossible decision.
The next day she commented that it was not fair; that if she had chosen to break the rule she would have given me a reason to not trust her. I was awed by her insight.
What if she had chosed to break the rule? I would have implement the consequence that I had set up for breaking the rule. I might have been very upset, and I would have done my best to keep my upset to myself or to wait for the return of calm. My upset would only have come from the belief that children should not break the rules. Questioning that belief and noticing that I'd be calm without that belief, would help me clam down or keep calm. Futher reflection would lead me to realize that kids, adolescents, adults - all people, break the rules and have done so forever. Again it is not about our kids not breaking the rules but about having a sane response which enforces the rule when they do break it.
Notice, I have not used the term punishment. Imposing consequences is not about getting even or making the child suffer for breaking the rule. It is simple an "if/then" proposition. If you chose "A", then you get to experience "B", and If you choose "C", then you get to experience "D". This is about education, not control or manipulation.
Want more information and resources? Go to [http://www.bestparenthelp.info]
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